WOW. If you want to bring all issues to the forefront, go to the tanner. Besides having to make a decision on which is the fastest and best way to "kill" yourself, 20 minutes in the tanner was enough for me to go insane! The OCD and issues danced around that room more than I should ever share! But of course, I will ;)
So the 18 something, blonde with the too bronze face smiling back at me trying to "help" me was almost enough to have me walk out. I don't know what I want - I want instant tan to get rid of my pasty white legs that isn't going to look fake and I want it yesterday oh and free would be nice too! Why if I haven't been in years can't I be a "new customer"? I was new to THAT location! Seriously though, at that point of desperation, I would have bought a new car or house from that girl. Anything to get it over and done with. No matter how many times she pointed to the sign of "points" breakdowns and variety of options - I just wanted the decision made for me. Tell me what to do. So I settled on the "instant" because afterall I wanted color instantly. Oh, what's wrong with pasty-white?
I realized I needed those eye thingies. I use to have the plastic ones from my former years of infrequent tans. I threw them away - who needs clutter for something you may use every 3-5 years? So I get the stick-ons. Yep, wasn't until after I had them stuck to my eyes and was done that I looked at the directions - I still don't know what the "fold here" means!
The most I ever went to a tanner was back before my son when I was going to the Bahamas with my son's father. We would trudge over to the tanner in our boots through the snow with ankle weights and wrist weights on! Of course you had to get in a GOOD workout in the winter on the way to tan. I didn't care about much then, in retrospect.
Today...completely different story. The beds are different. I actually had to flip over and I was on a blanket or something - I don't know. I just wanted it OVER. The girl said that she would knock on the door to tell me when to flip - yeah, so much for that. Good thing I did my best to peel the wrongly applied sticker off of my good eye (sans contacts) to see the clock!
As I'm laying there I'm thinking of a million different random thoughts. The Pillsbury Dough Boy...yep, I've got issues. Plumps when you cook 'em. And then the thought that I was going to be a burnt cookie, literally. I remembered the year of my darkest tan - 1990. I have picture that you would think I wasn't Caucasian. I think that was the summer that I listened to mom and to accelerate the tan I would put on Crisco cooking oil and lay by the pool in the backyard with my bikini on. The one that wouldn't even fit on one leg now! Anyway, that fried smell of my skin like burnt fried chicken or popcorn. Ah...the memories.
So I'm literally trying not to freak out. To not compare this experience with an MRI or CAT scan. To not feel claustrophobic. The thought that really non-pasty white could be worth this agony and drama, right? I think that anything that may be growing inside me, disease etc. would be killed by these extreme heat and rays. I start thinking of Aliens as my stomach starts to itch and I wonder what is going to burst from it! Ok, yes, it really is this BAD!
Since I told the girl that I thought I would come twice or so to get some color, I bought some crazy package. That means I have to go...AGAIN. I'm so looking forward to it. ;) I actually tan pretty fast - my mom claims I can get a tan from just walking outside. My face can - from intense sun/wind burn from a Utah ski trip when I was in high school. So I'm guessing by tonight I will be like a shriveled red, overcooked lobster. Oh yeah, did I also mention thoughts of Redneck Hawaiian Tropics Pageants where I was a contestant? Ok, I'm off to accomplish what I can before I realize I look ridiculous and I can no longer use my hands since I managed to burn those too.
Ah the life...
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