Financial Three's

If things happen in threes, I truly hope that the third financial hit isn't brutal. There is no question that the economy is in dire straits. People are losing their jobs left and right, and I'm truly blessed to still be employed. Today we learned that our employer will be closed for six days through the end of September. Six days of unpaid, yet to be determined days, which from my calculations is equivalent to about a 4% cut in pay, which won't be equally dispersed but in eight hour increments a pay period over the next five months. Yes, it could be worse, I truly am thankful. Truly.

Then there is the issue of child support. I decided to leave it up to the other half to determine whether or not to have the matter reviewed. Apparently, it's up for the three year "optional" review (although it's only been reviewed ONCE in the past 11 years at MY request!). Today I received the packet in the mail that he wants it reviewed. I can't imagine that it won't be in my favor, but regardless financial situations get me a LOT worked up. Seeing that the average cost of living raise is 3% per year and I think in the past three years I may have an accumulated 3% raise, I shouldn't be worried. I am though. Because, that is what I do best.

Besides, Friend of the Court is NEVER in my favor. EVER. Even when it appears that they are, they aren't. They always realize afterward that a MISTAKE has been made.

I can't keep going through this. It's downright painful. Childcare is no longer an issue. The other half and I share joint custody, but there isn't anything "joint" financial about it. But FOC doesn't care. They don't care that he has field trip fees, camp fees, lunch boxes, winter coats and boots, sport recreation fees, a passport fee, tennis lessons, summer program fees, you name it. Anything that should be split "jointly" as part of the "joint custody" arrangement is mine solely. That's not to say that one out of four sports fees I may convince him to cover, that I've managed to get him to do over the past three years. He has even shaved his head a few times over the past few years - only to prove that if I don't want his head shaved I should get it cut more often!

Last year I was fortunate enough, or as it may be now, unfortunate enough to have some overtime. It was a one time occurrence to compensate for me working out of town and coming in on the weekends to catch up on my permanent work. Now, that will likely come back to hurt me as my W2 is required.

I guess whatever is meant to happen will happen. Afterall the other half threatened he would be unemployed by the beginning of the year as he is an automotive designer. Maybe it will all work out better than I am anticipating. Afterall my insurance premiums have risen over the past three years and my wages really haven't. As long as he's still employed, maybe for once, it will be in my benefit.

Pigs can fly, right? The swine flu virus is airborne, so that's kind of the same thing, right? Yeah, my thought exactly.

Never Enough

Do you ever feel like sometimes what you do, accomplish or who you are is just never enough? Enough for yourself, enough for someone else?

Whether at work, at home or in our personal relationships, it seems like there are always people that never seem to be satisfied with what is, who we are or what we do.

In many ways I would say that I am my toughest critic. I expect a lot of myself and can easily become frustrated or disappointed when I fall short of reaching my potential or what I had planned to do. Most often my to do list isn't realistic or I manage to do a bunch of other things not on my list.

It feels that no matter what, I always have people in my life that I find are very condescending to me and my efforts. That I'm always falling short. Whether this is some preconceived belief of my own or something that I have learned from childhood, I can't really say.

Maybe it's the inherit need to please. To be accepted. To be valued. To be worthy. To be praised. To be loved.

But what it ultimately boils down to...I am only one person. Accept me for who I am and what I'm capable of doing and achieving or don't accept me at all.

And think twice before asking someone, "Is that all...?"

Spent

I believe that I am emotionally and physically spent. I feel like I need a vacation. I think that I need to check out and return sometime when either I or everyone around me becomes sane. I think I need to find a closed until further notice, or maybe closed for remodeling sign or shirt and wear it indefinitely.

I'm not sure if it's that I'm still recovering from vacation, hormones, emotional turmoil, heat, responsibilities, dating or an accumulation of all of it. But, I've had it!

I'm wearing extremely thin and my already limited patience level is now surpassed below sea level. I'm beyond the frustration of trying to plan ahead or make plans. I've decided to not plan anything, not care and not worry. Whatever happens, happens. I feel like the lights have been turned off on me and since I'm tired of being tired of it, I'm now officially EMBRACING IT.

As my mom used to say when I was growing up and she'd reached her limit, "THE KITCHEN IS OFFICIALLY CLOSED, UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE."

I'm officially closed until further notice. In order to help me embrace my new found sense of checking out and dreaming of the Caribbean vacation I didn't have, I've purchased Seagram's Escapes. Maybe I'll resurface when I'm beautiful, tan and refreshed. It's always good to dream, right?