I'm seriously a wreck. I have no idea why I'm sitting her in front of the computer. I can't remember the last time I've felt this emotionally drained or emotional. I wish I could say it was last month when the hormones were in full gear, 'cause then I just might be able to rationalize my behavior. Seriously, I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face and I can't figure out why.
It's an accumulation of everything I guess. I seldom get this emotionally overwhelmed. Actually my emotions are usually pretty in check. Maybe it's been thrown in a tizzy by the resurgence of dating yesterday compiled with "the curse" and the fact that it is going on 2a.m. and I've had less then 10 solid hours of sleep in almost 70 hours. Yeah, I'm sure that has something to do with it.
I really am an emotional person. I am affected by what people say or think. I don't handle it well and I feel like the means need to be justified or I need to understand why. This online interaction stuff has me all over the place. Last night I was verbally assaulted and called a pyscho by someone that didn't like a generalization that someone 5'8" and 160# for a male would be considered weak. It took a long time to try to work that one back out to sanity - but he went dirty, nasty first. And, instead of severing the contact, I wanted to resolve the issue. Why? Why do I bother? Why does crap like that weigh on my conscience?
This weekend I was suppose to meet someone that I met online that lives 3.5 hours away and is middle eastern. I have never dated anyone middle eastern, and not that I have any opposition, the reality of trying to date in general is hard enough let alone add the distance and the ethnic differences. So he called tonight and left a message. We chatted briefly online, mind you I know almost nothing about this man, and it came down to my decision that since I'm likely not going across state this weekend, we shouldn't meet. He didn't think I was being fair for not giving him a chance and then he stopped communicating with me. Done. And that bothered me too.
Then there is Mr. Date. We have plans to get together tomorrow. He seems really unsure if I like him. He emailed (can I say how much I HATE trying to communicate via email?) to ask if I date more than one person at a time. Generally absolutely not, but I gave some generalized email response which was bizarre. Then I sent another one explaining how I'm not ready for a commitment, he's my first date in six months, I want to meet people and enjoy life etc. Afterall, I do see the red flags with him, the kids, the pending divorce, the distance, etc. He responded and it was fine, that he is cautious with dating and we had fun, so why not try it despite him knowing I'm uncomfortable with the kids. So I email him back and from somewhere I poured out my heart. I don't know why. Maybe because I care. Maybe because I'm a crazy lunatic.
Oh yeah and I forgot to mention the hour plus conversation with the ex-bf on the way home about why we aren't together and won't be getting back together. Regardless, relationship memory lane is an emotional rollercoaster and exhausting in and of itself. Maybe six months is too soon.
Then on this new site that I joined on Sunday - I've actually had some decent emails back and forth with a handful of people. I've enjoyed the banter and the emails. Granted there have been some not so nice ones, but in general it's been a good experience. I had an im friend request from one of them, an attractive military young man. So he im's me tonight and asks for pictures. He claims he can't see me on the dating site, what? He asks if I have myspace, which leads me to believe he's a looker. I add him reluctantly as a friend and in his pictures he has four naked from chest to hairline of the groin area. Nice...yep not for me. So I delete him and move on. I try to login to the site to check my email, repeatedly and nothing.
I've been deleted, completely vanished, banned from the site. I have absolutely no idea why. I've read the rules and I don't think I violated any of them. Gone. All the emails are gone. Any that I corresponded with new people...gone. No idea if they read my latest replies or not. It's almost like my new "friends" have just vanished and I don't know why and I don't know what I did or didn't do and I don't want any of these men to think that they did something either.
Then I'm back online talking to another guy about my problem with the website logging in. He confirms that I'm gone. All emails sent and received by him are gone. No more. So I bother to create another profile, since now I'm rather irritated and I don't want anyone I had been talking to to think it was them. Actually, one of them did. He emailed me already and said there was a message from me and then it was gone and he thought he had said something. After I created the new account, I got an im request - and that went to hell quickly after sharing pictures and the guy asking me if I had "big cans". Seriously. What am I doing?
Then while still chatting with the "friend" the conversation turns to porn, strip clubs and the relevance in a relationship. Apparently his ex had a problem with it. I do too. Both my son's father and my ex-husband, were huge into it. My stance, if I'm not good enough, then don't waste either of our time. I don't go elsewhere, why should you. Of course this guy thinks otherwise and then thinks he's completely offended me. He tells me I need to find some religious guy that will agree with my views on pornography. He then says, I guess we'll never meet, but doesn't understand why I ever met Mr. Date if there isn't a possible connection and why I talk to him instead of someone I shared a few religious conversations with. Just because one has a conversation with someone doesn't mean that they are the one and only. So yeah, that one ended, not so well either.
So here I sit, with dried tear stains since I wonder how the heck I've managed to f'up every conversation I attempted to have tonight by being honest. By trying to communicate. I got an email back from Mr. Date that said, are we still on tomorrow? Glad that my bated breath waiting after my "deep" email got that response. I think I need to go back to bed and hibernate. I did tell him that I need a raincheck since these emotions are out of whack and sleep deprivation is seriously playing havoc. He seemed ok with it, but the truth is, I would really like to see him. How and why is that? Why when I want to be so rational to say it won't work, do I care? In reality I know that I probably sabotaged every conversation tonight since I really didn't want to talk to anyone since I'm really only a one at a time dater, and I need to figure out what is going on with Mr. Date before I see whatelse is out there.
I was really enjoying life and then I went and messed it up when I considered meeting men and dating again.
Can someone run me over now?
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