This morning I laid in bed, resetting my alarm repeatedly. I'm not sure at what point I didn't reset it again, since my girlfriend called and I was still in bed. I'm getting extremely lazy with trying to get into the office early. The reality is I still put in well more hours and time than I should with the drive, but I just feel like I should be giving more. But on the other hand, I'm tired of always giving, giving, giving and getting nothing in return.
In my grogginess, I'm not sure what I told her. But I do remember her saying, "You have a crush on (Mr. Date)." And I confirmed it, yes I do. WHAT??????
How in the world have I developed a crush on Mr. Date? And how in the world did I manage to acknowledge it? Clearly I'm not always an open book with my feelings. How did I manage to feel something for him, despite his children? How did I let this happen?
She told me that since meeting him, I haven't given anyone a chance. And she's right. I met guys but really he was what was on my mind. What would he think? Is this cheating? Is this fair? I've been nothing but honest with him that while I like him, he is the first person I met and I would like to meet more. I haven't even kissed Mr. Date!
Maybe that's why. Maybe in my mind, I've made Mr. Date out to be more than he is. Maybe it's that anticipation of wanting, of wanting to know, wanting to share, wanting to feel, wanting. And honestly, I'm scared. I get butterflies when I think of him. I'm afraid that when I see him the next time and we actually kiss that it is going to be Awful and then what...smash, crash, kapooie. Yep, that's what I'm afraid of. Clearly it would make it a lot easier to pick up my school-girl crush and move on. Move on to something tangible, something concrete, something I can wrap my head around.
I feel like I'm losing control and I'm not sure how to handle it.
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