17 Years Later

Today is one of those days, where I ultimately feel like a failure. That no matter what I do, I can't do it right. I suppose, most specifically, a failure in my relationships. JC and I have decided over a rough few months, that no matter what we try to do, we just can't seem to get "it right".

He feels that we have more of a relationship than a friendship while I believe we have a friendship, not a relationship. We get along great, ok maybe well, when we are together for the most part, the problem is when we aren't together. My mom seemed to sum up our relationship best, in that we don't have an "emotional relationship".

I've never been able to really put my finger on that missing piece of the puzzle of JC and I. I just knew something wasn't there. That no matter what I did, how much I loved, how much I wanted, it wasn't either enough or it wasn't reciprocated. Sure, JC loved me, in the way that he could. But I felt more than a relationship, JC wanted/needed a puppy. Someone to cheer him on and be excited whenever he was around, and held no grudges or disappointment when he wasn't. And, I deserve better than that.

I'm beginning to think that I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough. Not attractive enough. Not fun. Not pretty. Not talented. Truly, this isn't a pity party on myself, but more maybe a look in the mirror, a look into the soul, into my being at who I am and who I am not.

Yesterday I got dressed up. I wore a dress, did my hair, etc. in almost a "test" as you will as to whether or not JC would say anything to me. Whether he would compliment me. Whether or not I truly do anything for him. I shouldn't say it was a test, as there weren't any failing grades, but maybe a measure of what I need, emotionally/physically from a partner. About 1.5 hours after sitting next to me, he mumbled "You look nice" after I had gotten up and went to the bathroom. What did I really expect?

So today, I am in grunge. Feeling worthless and useless and questioning me in general. I wore jeans and a t-shirt and vest. I did do my hair. Several commented on me today, noticing a difference and one compliment, but still...I guess I just wasn't feeling pretty or special or anything else.

And then today at my favorite shopping center, I ran into a high school classmate I haven't seen in 17 years! So maybe, even though my spirit is deflated, I'm still as recognizable as I was 17 years ago! And that was enough to add an extra spring in my step!