Wednesday

Overall, Wednesday night quickly became something I wanted to not rehash. I apparently managed to pull my tendon in the back of my foot, causing severe and intense pain. Further increased by walking. However, not walking, wasn't really out of the question until late in the evening. Fortunately for my waistline, this was a good thing as I could have used some comfort foods later in the night if mobility wasn't my latest feat.

I arrived home to find that JC had dropped something off in my mailbox and that he had also called the home phone but didn't leave a message. Feeling that his intention was to be sure I wasn't home, I then began to feel a different pain. The non-physical form of pain.

All of this only compounded by my lack of internet capability didn't bode well for my stress reducing techniques of working out or playing cards online. I iced my foot more and took some pain medication and I had a lot of time to think.

Being alone and unable to distract oneself with personal comforts doesn't bode well when trying to accept and understand my recent relationship dissolution. I had called JC about him stopping by and our quick minute phone call left me even more confused. But maybe confused isn't the right word. Maybe it really offered me clarity. The clarity to understand what I hadn't in the past. That as much as I didn't want to confront and acknowledge, maybe JC and I never did have a friendship (he was right).

If he had difficulty communicating and sharing with me as a girlfriend, why would he when we weren't dating? If we can't talk without fighting, is that something that time will heal? Is our relationship/friendship one that has any basis of continuing? Sure there are friendships that have different meanings and purposes. Some where we can tell all and others where we are clearly guarded and superficial. A friendship that serves a purpose or a friendship of distant acquaintances. What friendship do/would JC and I have? Could we have one?

And the thoughts of spending the past seven months with someone that I fell in love with that I may never see or talk to again bothered me very deeply. That relationships and friendships are hard to come by, the older we become. Is it easy to just walk away? Is there enough reason not to? Is it a matter that only time will tell? Or is it that sometimes we need to understand that it is time to let go. Time to move on, no matter how difficult and painful it may be.

I wish I knew. I wish I had the answers. I wish I could prepare myself to understand and know which direction it is going and to grieve appropriately. But I don't. I do know that JC promised if he had any questions or wanted to talk, he would call. And in hearing that, I thought that was the last time I would hear from him. He did however call yesterday and in the first time in a very long time, we had a good conversation. One in which we communicated and shared and listened. Baby steps, baby steps.