Taking a Step Back

Yesterday I found myself taking a step back. Maybe like a turtle, recoiling back into it's shell. Wondering why in the world I'm considering (ok more than considering) opening up and sharing with someone. Why is it that I'm dating? When things are going so well in my single life, why add someone new into the realm of things that can offer sadness, confusion, turmoil and heartache?

I know why, as do you. We do this for companionship. We allow others to enter our lives to broaden us, challenge us, complete us. We hope for the opportunity to share, to grow, to experience, to love. For if we don't, who are we and what is our purpose?

If not for even one small opportunity, for one moment in time, is there nothing?

In the scheme of things, there is everything. With or without a partner or someone else, we will survive. Noone truly needs someone else to complete them. One may want this, others may want many someones. Whether it is a companion, spouse, parent, sibling, child, friend, co-worker, acquaintance, stranger - there are always people and relationships and it is how we choose to embrace them that molds us into who we are.

Enough of the philosophy...I find myself emailing and im'ing strangers on these dating sites. I am not pursuing anyone and clearly have it stated, "not single, not looking" and yet people contact me and I feel a need to respond. I don't hide that I'm dating Mr. Date and that I have no intention or interest in meeting anyone at this time as I want to see where it goes. Some are disappointed, others give well wishes, others we just communicate knowing that there isn't anything and why not share a conversation? I enjoy embracing others views and opinions, even if they may be completely innocuous. I can lose myself for hours doing so. Maybe it's the social worker in me or maybe it fills a void or passes time when I could but wouldn't be sleeping otherwise. Maybe just maybe...

Yesterday I was super excited to see Mr. Date. I really do like him and I'm trying not to analyze why I shouldn't or all the obstacles that we haven't yet faced. I'm trying to enjoy it one day at a time. I woke in the morning and was really excited to see him later in the day. I found myself really motivated despite a handful of hours of sleep. I was bummed he didn't call the night before as I didn't call him for fear I would wake him if he was sleeping. I woke and had a couple im's that were generic and general from him. I'm not sure what I was looking for, but I wasn't feeling all warm and fuzzy. On the commute to work, I spoke to him on the phone and was instantly disappointed when his usual excitement was muted with the "maybe we could meet" if his court subpoena hearing went well and he didn't have to stick around long. Maybe?

And then there it was. Complete and utter disappointment. Smacked me in the forehead. See, maybe I'm one to react. Of course it is the week before "the curse" when my emotions run havoc and I "clean house" and get ready to rid myself of all the unnecessary! Unfortunately in dating, for the other party, that typically consists of over analyzing the relationship and moving on if I have any self doubt or concerns. And there it was. I had it. Clearly a relationship can happen with anyone and anywhere, if you allow it. I'm not one of those "grass is greener" kind of people. I do give my all to the relationship, although maybe it's only all that I'm willing to give, but give nonetheless. However, I will not be one to chase or experience more feelings toward someone if I don't feel that they are reciprocated. I can accept the hurt, pain, disappointment and I move on. I don't beg. I don't plead. I can't change what isn't.

Yesterday I decided that was the situation. Mind you, I can definitely admit when I'm wrong. Which even after communicating my disappointment to Mr. Date he emailed me and professed how much he wanted to see me and how I make him feel. It was sweet, but for me it was almost too late. Why? I'm not sure, but I've already taken a huge leap backward and recoiled. For is any relationship truly worth the pain and heartache?

Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't.