Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Career, Fortune = MidLife Crisis

I've been struggling as of late (well probably longer) with what direction I want to have in my life, for my career.  I recently entered my fourteenth year in my profession pertaining to child abuse and neglect.  Fourteen Years.

I have absolutely no desire to be management.  I have absolutely no desire to return to school in my current field.  I have absolutely no desire to continue doing what I'm doing indefinitely and yet I have absolutely no idea what I want to do.

My fortune cookie today:  You will have an unusually successful career in entertainment.

Of course that makes me curious as to what type of "entertainment".  I prefer to be entertained as I have absolutely no entertaining skills.  Public Speaking - No.  Teaching - No.  Writing - No.  Comedy - No.  Dancer (for money?  Seriously?) - Hell No.  Sports Related - No.  Fire Thrower - No.  Circus Act - Well maybe - No.  Actress - No. Others - No. No. And. No.

I want a change.  And yet I purposefully remain stagnant.  I remain solid.  I remain consistent.  I refrain from change.  I am a mother.  I am a provider.  I will continue until I have the right to do something else when I don't have a son completely relying and dependent on me to provide for his every need and to be stable and available and mom.  Five Years.  Five. More. Years.  Five.

Then what?  After 19 years of employment, I won't be able to retire.  I won't be eligible to retire until another fifteen years.  Sigh.  Stuck, stuck in the security of stability and employment.  And honestly, it's not all that bad.  I choose to stay where I am.  To have the safety and security of the known.  To find adventure and risk in my personal life.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so responsible.  Sometimes I wish I wasn't so black and white.  And then, I look in the mirror and I am thankful for who I am and where I am today.  Thankful that I am responsible.  Thankful that I choose to follow rules and I am proud of Me and I can wake up every day and appreciate life and love and family and know that no matter what, today will be a Good Day. 

I have no regrets. 

But sometimes, I want that fork in the road to contain a huge amount of gooey peanut butter brownie that melts in my mouth, adds a spring in my step and allows me to see the direction I need to continue. 


Anonymous said...

Is 36 the age for midlife crisis to occur these days?

Ms. Independent said...

Beginning to think so...or at least the later part of 35 when officially closer to 40 than 30! Still have a month or so until 36...but already thinking I'm 37!!!