Perception, Women & Fitting In

As of late, perception is the key word. The word that I always come back to. The word that defines. The word that IS.

How I perceive things and how I'm being perceived are also two completely different things. I clearly welcome others perceptions of me and I suppose while initially they can be stingingly (my word, work with me here) painful, after the initial insult to injury, I get it. I really do think that I can be quite empathetic. I do believe that I have the ability to put myself in others shoes and see what they see - with their assistance and insight of course (although not always necessary).

Eyegirl has her perceptions of me. You will too.

Lately, I almost feel as though I've had to rationalize or justify, not only embrace these perceptions. I understand that we all have a right to our own opinions. To our own perceptions. We also have no right to control someone else.

We are only accountable for our own thoughts, actions and behaviors. Control what you can control and leave the rest to...(you fill in the blank).

Friday night I went out with some friends. We went to a happy hour for a local ski club. Out of the norm for me, I actually put on a name tag, although not initially. In doing so, I met a gentleman at the table who then latched on to me and my friends the rest of the evening. I have to admit, that I thought by being generous and giving him my number when he asked, that would mean he conquered and he would move on. Naive? Possibly.

I also figured that he wouldn't call. But here's the rest of the story...He was (is may be appropriate but outside of that social context I don't know him) a nice man. We had a decent conversation. We had skiing in common. I had no reason to give him a false number or deny him his request. He did afterall ask and if he and I happened to be skiing at the same venue, so be it.

Can we really have enough friends? Do I really think that I am better than him that he doesn't deserve my number? NO and NO.

He did stay very close to me the rest of the time my friends and I were there. Two of my friends were becoming increasingly protective of me around him. He did engage with all my friends as well. It was just a social experience.

The awkwardness came more with the looks that I was getting from...the women. I was noticing several women staring at me. One actually came up to me and acknowledged that she had been staring at my name tag because her middle name was the same and spelled identically. Ironic sure, but did that justify the several minutes of gazing and repeated glances? I did tell call her out and said that I was wondering if she was looking at me because I was loud or if I said something offensive, thereby recognizing her stares, which she denied. We chatted for a few minutes and then she ventured on her mingling way.

Then I turned around and was being stared at by another couple of women. Another woman finally voiced that she was looking at my name tag. Her name began with the same first three letters and she was trying to see if the last were similar. I don't know that I would ever stare to read someone's name. Glance. Read. Done. Seriously, do these women really think I'm buying this story? Is it just that I caught them staring that they came up with something? Why is it I feel like in social situations that I'm beyond awkward?

Why can't I just fit in?

But maybe the real question is: Do I really want to fit in? And most days, the answer is...yes, I do.