Emotional Overload

For the most part, I can be pretty grounded; however, there are times where I can be considered irrational, over-the-top, too honest, too blunt, too...and usually during the week before my period this is most prevalent. Not that the feelings aren't true the rest of the month, but I may be more vocal about them during my need to restructure, reorganize, clean, cleanse...which goes back to the question of asking if taking a birth control pill every day will eliminate my need to do away with irritants in my life.

I'm not sure that I think my issues or behaviors are completely unhealthy because the reality is sometimes they make me address things that I may not have otherwise. They make me take accountability for who I am, the choices I make and where I want to see myself.

Last night I was informed by a friend from her friend that I was mean to yet a third person. Probably so. Rightfully so. To put it another way, JN told me that her friend JL was upset by what I said to her "lover/ex-bf" (whatever their relationship is) X. X had invited me out to drinks as friends a few weeks back to talk about my Colorado trip. I had made it clear to JN and JL that I was not interested in him and I told him that I would grab drinks as friends. We made plans. I had to work late but was willing to meet him as he also wanted information on my Mexico trip. While I was still working, 1.5 hours before we were to meet, he had texted and said he was exhausted and wanted to reschedule. I was ELATED! He texted back that he thought I would be upset and was glad I wasn't.

I didn't hear from him until two days later when he sent me a text saying he hoped I was having a great night. The text was resent several hours later, which I finally responded. I learned that following day that in fact he had been out drinking at the bar with JL the night we were suppose to have drinks. Which honestly, I was completely fine with...had he been honest. So in my attempt to be around healthy, honest people, I had no relationship with this man or JL, I deleted them from FB. I have no use for their drama or people that are willing to start a friendship on false premises and lies.

Two days ago he sent me a text asking if everything was "okay" because he hadn't heard from me. I informed him that I was great and wished him good luck. He was like, "Good luck??" So still trying to be nice and get the point across I texted back, "Bye. Nice meeting you...or any other version that suits your fancy." Of course that wasn't sufficient either and he sent me several more texts announcing his confusion. I looked him up on FB and emailed him an honest response about how I wanted no association with him even as a friend since he wasn't honest (that of course was the short version). He then emailed back rationalizing that he had been tired, but he then went out several hours later with JL to grab drinks around the corner of his house and I could talk to her to verify. Really I don't care. But apparently, I'm now like the evil witch of the west for being honest. Had he gotten the point initially, I wouldn't have had to explain.

Could I have said or done things differently? Of course. Did I? No. And I'm OK with that.

I've also really been struggling with a relationship where I do have invested feelings. Where I have acknowledged his deceit and or misrepresentation from our very first interactions which would have prevented us from ever having any contact. But because of the way he presented himself, we met online and subsequently have spent significant time together including two ski trips out to Colorado. He chose to represent that he didn't use drugs and didn't smoke (since he believes that marijuana should be legalized - it isn't a drug nor does he smoke. Had he said he did either, I wouldn't have had communication with him - it would have been blocked from the dating site). I did learn sometime later after we met for the sole purpose of him filling a spot in the condo that he used. As a friend, whatever. I have friends that use on very rare occasions as well as people I've grown up with that use more regularly but I can't even be true to say that we are "friends" rather just acquaintences who have past commonalities.

We can't pick and choose whom we have feelings; however, we can do the best to make sure that the relationships that we develop are safe and healthy. I've found that I've compromised both. I put myself in potentially jeopardizing (as minimal as it may seem to some) situations, and not completely unaware of the risks.

When feelings come into play and you consider someone a friend or something more, is it wrong to have feelings of their safety and their future as well as your own? I think not. I think it's unhealthy to not have those feelings.

So I'm struggling. I'm struggling with understanding where I stand, but also in taking a step back from the situation, struggling to understand what the future holds. A friendship? A passing ship in the night?

Today in regard to work a co-worker and I were discussing clients and their relationships. I found it most profound that he said:

"We are who we sleep with."

Who am I? Who are you?