Control

I tend to be a strong willed, opinionated, over bearing, controlling person. In my defense, I would like to say that they aren't all by choice. Sometimes it's my desire to see things to fruition or completion that force me to take charge and control. Maybe it's my desire to reach perfection or at least not disappointment. Maybe it is my underlying obsessive compulsive issues. Maybe it's not.

I am pretty sure however, that I need to do some serious self-evaluation and reflection though to determine what it is that I keep finding myself in the same role, time and time again.

I suppose I might have the personality for management or supervision; however, never in the darkest recesses of my soul do I desire such position, ever. In my relationships, I want to be the one to be catered too. To be wined and dined. But, I fear that if I were ever to find myself in a relationship where money and control were not an issue, I wouldn't know what to do.

Would I be able to accept someone else's control? To accept their ideas and their money? To not feel that I would be indebted due to someone else's generosity or being?

In the recesses of my mind, I go back to my childhood male friends and their snides and sneerings of newly dating experiences. The comments of pimply, adolescent boys and their anguish of hitting foul balls and strike outs when they felt that a mere second base would have been less deserving and justified for what they felt they were owed. And for those conversations that these tomboy ears overheard, they are comments that stay with me today. It's not a matter of chivalry or independence, it's a matter deep within that no man will ever be able to say that I owe them or that they deserve anything because of a dinner, an evening or an outing that they provided.

Maybe to avoid all of that all together, I tend to find myself drawn to the financially stringent, cheap, dutch dating relationships and then wake up to find myself unsatisfied and bored or find myself footing the bill to have the experiences that I want and can enjoy.

How does one break the cycle without taking advantage of someone else and what they have to offer but no longer being taken advantage of either?