I think it's common for most bloggers and readers to feel a certain relationship and attachment to other bloggers, even without ever meeting them. My blog is mainly anonymous, although some close to me are aware and even read; however, many people that know me don't read my blog. Does that mean they know me less than blog readers?
Over the last few weeks, I've been going though a variety of things. One of them was my new found interest in becoming a foster parent. This opens a whole can of worms based on my current employer, my position and "Conflict of Interest" clauses. While it isn't impossible for me to become licensed, the requirements specifically for me to avoid conflict of interest would not be in my personal best interest (i.e. distance, location, time...). I discarded the idea; however, I felt discriminated against based on my current job title/position.
I also began dating again. I've met one person from a free online weekend. I have met no one from actually subscribing to eHarmony, which personally, I can't stand the website, the layout or anything about the site. That obviously comes from someone who has dabbled with online dating for the past decade. Sigh...that's sad. Anyway...I went out with this person again last night, being the third time.
I'm not going to go into the details and obviously dating is a case by case basis. And maybe it's about following that "gut instinct". It isn't that I don't trust him, but my past few dating experiences, if you call them that, may have left a bad taste in my mouth. There are also some read flags I have with this guy in the sense of time since his divorce, age of kids, amount of kids and most of all the annoying way he sticks out his tongue when he laughs. Yes, I may be THAT shallow. He has asked me on numerous times where I live, I have not divulged. Not for any specific reason per se, I just didn't see it necessary. I have nothing to hide. I don't have a boyfriend or a spouse that I would need to hide things in my house if the new guy came over. I just also don't see any reason to share at this point. Last night, I went to his house for the first time. As the night was drawing toward an end, he asked if he could ask me a question. He asked, "Do you want to meet my kids?" Sigh...
Most of the time, I really do love kids, if I allow myself. I told him it was way too soon. Obviously with our parenting schedules, if I don't meet them, it will be almost two weeks until we see each other again (after Friday). He doesn't want to wait that long. I don't want to rush with the kid thing just because of time constraints and schedules. He also went on again about how I wasn't willing to tell him where I live. I invited him to the town I live on Friday and agreed to meet him at my work - which he knows where that is, general vicinity at least. He found that odd. I found it convenient as I will be working until he gets into town and our plans are on that side of town. But, is there more reason that that?
The other night after dinner with my son, I realized I didn't have my keys. I had locked them in the car, still sitting in the ignition. What to do? Who to call? Who do I call? Can I have someone go to my house, get my spare key into my house and then grab my spare car keys? Who do I trust? Who can I ask? Who would actually do this? I felt lost. Lost that I'm not trusting enough. Lost that I don't want to inconvenience anyone with my misfortune. Could I call a tow-truck? My insurance number was...in the car! I did call a co-worker/friend who came to my rescue. The first thing I did when I got home? I changed the location of my spare key - after 8 years, I moved it.
Why did I move it? Is it that I didn't trust my rescuer? I can admit that I feared that he may tell the story to others in my office and then my spare key would become office knowledge. It's amazing what people disclose to co-workers and friends, especially after a night on the town. I didn't want to take that risk.
Today I decided to pursue the whole foster care issue again, this time directly with my Program Manager. He said he would "think about it". He did ask what my relationship was with the agency I was considering licensure and I explained. He also asked if they would license me based on my intentions of short-term and respite care. I then called the agency licenser without waiting for a response.
They will license me. Or I should preface to say, they will work with me. They will pursue licensing me and would be happy to do so - assuming my home meets licensing rules...which I only see the lack of egress in my basement being an issue - for my son and I, not to actually be licensed. I scheduled the Orientation without actually getting confirmation from the Program Manager that I could proceed; however, if I'm told I can't, than I won't. Done. As part of the license, I need five unrelated references. Five.
Moments before I decided to type this, I mentally made a list and then wrote them out of who I could ask to be references. I struggled. And then, I wondered how sad is it that I can't come up with five people that would be a personal reference for me? Five people that I think know me well enough to be a reference? As I type this, I begin to think of more. But even this morning as I walked into work, I thought of some of my closest relationships and one specifically that after 1.5 years has never even been to my house. Am I that private? Do I keep my friends at that much of a distance? Do I fear intimacy in all relationships or any relationship? Do I share more on a blog than I do with my closest friends?
Or does it really boil down to the fact that I'm an A personality and a perfectionist. That I don't want to bother those closest to me, or that I fear that they don't know me on every level that it would seem a reference should. Work references, no problem. Personal references, different story. I want the references to be positive. But I have different friends - childhood friends, work friends, personal friends, friends through my child...do I have five that can vouch for me as a reference that know me personally as a person, a friend, a mother, a caretaker, as well as a character reference in a professional capacity and have been to my house? Is there anyone other than spouses or significant others, best friends and family (if even them) that knows anyone that intimately? I think of how many people I know that intimately.
So here I sit struggling if maybe, I'm not a good friend. Or maybe I really have trust issues. Is it my life, my job or just me that has molded me into who I am? All of the above.
I'm not afraid to give the guy that I've been out with three times my address. Sometimes it's easier to disclose to those that don't know us or will never meet us. Or to those that we know that relationships will only be so deep, just below the surface. Maybe it's the fear of disappointing others with who I am or what I have to offer. Or maybe it really is about gut instinct or in the guy that I'm dating, I don't want to be taken for granted. I've worked hard for who I am and where I'm at and the thought that someone could or would want something from me without really wanting all of me...that's what fear keeps me grounded and private.
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