A while back, I felt compromised. I'm not sure that compromised is the most appropriate word, possibly used may be more appropriate. Nonetheless, compromised.
I struggled in the situation or predicament that I found myself. I battled with a matter of good vs. evil, right vs. wrong, moral vs. immoral and well probably a 1000 other things, 'cause I'm not only good like that, I'm OCD in so many undiagnosed ways.
I question whether or not appropriate to blog about it, but I've found closure, closure for myself. Maybe I want feedback of what you would do. I asked several friends and confidants and none of them suggested to do what I ultimately did, but I tried it the other way, first.
An ex-boyfriend contacted me sometime ago to see if I wanted to get a drink. Let me reiterate that I'm not into the friends with benefits, but I'm not going to say that I've never, if not dating someone happened to see an ex. Whether it was to see if we made the right decision, see if feelings existed, or because we were single. Anyway, I was already out with a friend and I offered he could meet us. He made it out for last call. Seeing that he had just driven more than half an hour and neither of us were tired, I invited him back to the house to play ping pong. (I'm sure this sounds much worse than it was! Since we stopped dating he had purchased a ping pong table and felt that he had improved. I live a mile from the bar and my intentions were completely harmless - apparently, his were not.)
After a few hours of laughing and drinking and three games of ping pong later (and him mentioning he joined FB), we decided to play the Wii. It may have been approaching three, or four a.m. He had never once mentioned he was dating anyone and when I mentioned I wasn't, he confirmed that dating sucks. While playing the Wii, he kissed me. He was in no shape to drive home and we both had to work in the morning. Naive, I may be, because I really didn't think anything would or needed to happen as we were both exhausted. We went to bed. In the morning, when it was time for work, he called in. I called in late. We messed around, but I wasn't willing to have sex with him. I felt compromised and questioned his motivation and just wasn't feeling it.
He left mid-morning. There was no mention about when we would see each other, if, or even talk to each other. Then again, that's kind of how it was when we were actually dating too.
I decided to look him up on FB. His wall was viewable and he had posted several days earlier about spending quality time with "X" for the weekend. His posts the two weekends before were similar. Coincidentally this was the name of his former male boss as well. I looked through his friends and found a female by the same name. Her profile was private but her profile picture...was the two of them.
My heart sunk. I had a knot the size of a 10# weight in the pitt of my stomach. Had I become that girl? Without my knowledge, was I that girl? How was I suppose to know? I didn't know what to do. I wanted to contact her immediately and apologize for what I didn't know and what had happened. But should I get involved at all? If she were me, which during my relationship with him, I was her and I would have wanted to know. Would she believe me if I emailed her? Would I devastate her? Was I willing to throw myself under the bus and admit that I felt used and like a slut? What to do? What to do? What would you do?
I emailed him. I told him I didn't know what his relationship was with her, but he wasn't being honest or fair about it. He needed to understand his relationship and I wished him the best. I never heard a response from him.
For almost a month, I felt ill. Ill that I had done the wrong thing. That if this woman was in a relationship that she had every right to know. I periodically stalked her profile and the picture of the two of them remained. He never again posted anything about her or their plans and she had never posted anything on his wall on FB. I had a hard time sleeping with the decision to do nothing, from one woman to another, to not tell her. Is it once a cheater always a cheater? Or can people change?
He contacted me again this time by instant message. He said that he isn't perfect and he's working on bettering himself. He asked about my "date" that night, despite me telling him it wasn't a date a dozen times. I told him I still talk to my friend, yes. I then asked how is girlfriend was and he said "good". But he also said twice that he made mistakes, acknowledged them, paid for them and has moved on, thereby implying to me that they were done. She had changed her profile picture. I wondered if he was telling me a line. With my empathy skills, I couldn't battle with good vs. evil any longer and I emailed her.
The title was his name. I gave a generic email and said that I had seen her previous profile picture and wondered if they were dating. That I had wanted to contact her weeks previously but didn't want to meddle. I left the ball in her court that she could contact me if they were dating and if she wanted information. She contacted me that night and said that they were still dating and asked if I was a friend of his. She said she was interested in knowing what I knew.
I heard from him again that night by instant message. He didn't say anything about her or that I had contacted her, he didn't know, yet. I emailed her back the information. I have never heard back from her. I have never heard from him about it either.
I can sleep easy at night. My conscience is now clear. I didn't do it to hurt either one of them. Alcohol is no excuse for intimate behavior with someone other than whom you are in a relationship. If you aren't in a relationship, as consenting adults feel free to behave as you may.
I was compromised. I was manipulated. I was used. I had always questioned whether or not he was faithful with me during our relationship. He said he NEVER cheated on me. I don't know that I believe him and I really don't care. We are done and over. But the fact that I became that girl after the fact, bothered me.
What would you do? Was I wrong? Would it matter if you knew the other woman? Or is it just part of life and no one elses business but their own and I was just an innocent, active participant in something I didn't know?
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