Failure or Overwhelmed?

I'm sitting here feeling like an absolute failure but wondering in all actuality the reality of the situation. I think more than a failure, it's the never ending feeling of being overwhelmed that encompasses and weighs down the inevitable being of existence.

With my new job, I've plummeted to the deepest levels of recess trying to swim, crawl, scratch my way to the surface for any minute amount of air. I lack supervision willing to assist me and the training is still a month out in the horizon. My A personality is finding me struggling to make ends meet. While feedback has been positive for the most part, my personal criticism leaves me feeling empty and less than par. My standards are set too high and any level of perfection is far on the horizon. I am enjoying getting out of the office and meeting people, even if I have made a few cry. Granted, this is not my goal or motive, I'm trying to do my job and assist people in doing theirs, and it's isn't going to be all roses.

Summer brings on new challenges with parenting and entertaining outside of the routine of school. To top it off, the new job and additional hours have affected my parenting time and availability. It couldn't have been more apparent this morning when my son bolted from the house with a winter coat held around his barren body covered in a pair of boxers to give me a hug and kiss through the car window. Seriously, I thought he was sleeping. It made me realize, I need to spend more time with him, but when?

I was hoping to go on a vacation next week, anywhere. I've been working very hard and earned the time off, it's whether or not I will leave work unfinished for my return. I'm leaning toward, I won't. It doesn't help that JC doesn't have as much time off as I could have, nor a passport, nor the financial stability. He would prefer to travel in Michigan or Wisconsin. My girlfriends aren't in a position to travel right now either and I'm not sure that I'm up for a solo travel across the country - afterall I can only entertain and find myself amusing for so long (about 15 minutes - if that!).

I'm beginning to think that I'm completely anti-social. Outside of my job, I really struggle with being social and personal. I'm not sure if it is the company I've been around late (especially JC's family...) or if it's just me in general. I spent Father's Day with JC's family and I can't recall a time where I felt more unwelcome or out of place and I don't know how or if it will ever change.

Maybe I'm struggling with a mid-life crisis. 35 is the new mid-life crisis, right? Or maybe I'm just really missing JN more than I imagined and feeling empty of a social life that I've submersed myself into my work and am feeling devoid of anything remotely called life.