Last Saturday JA and I participated in a 5k Walk/Run local event. Of course my intention was to begin exercising for the two weeks before the event, when I asked JA if she wanted company. I can honestly admit that I did walk on several occasions leading up to the event, but not nearly as much as I wanted, hoped or desired. I just struggled finding the motivation.
My largest issue seems to be the 0-15 minute phase of any physical activity. The inner battles and demons always seem to prevail and I manage to not exercise. Once I have managed to struggle through the first 15 minutes, I am usually fine and then an endurance switch flips and I usually don't want to stop. While I had to be at the locale at 7:30a.m. to pick up my t-shirt, I remotely considered walking before the event started to warm up. I did have some fear that I couldn't keep up with JA as she walks on her treadmill four miles uphill many times a week.
Needless to say, we completed the walk and I survived. I wouldn't say that I had an adrenaline rush which motivated me. Shame motivated me. Motivated me to want to do better. Motivated me to want to jog. Something about watching a 70 year old man shuffle jog past as we walked. When we started the "race" the peer pressure of everyone jogging/running by had us jog on the track out of the stadium and onto the course. Despite taking my inhaler, I couldn't jog long so we stopped and walked. Quickly I had some intense shin splints but I knew that I could press on for a measly three miles, I didn't have much choice. Although I constantly felt like JA's dead weight and it wasn't a good feeling.
We weren't the last ones to finish, but clearly I think we may have been only a few to set out to complete the event by walking it's entirety. Two high school girls would pass us walking and then we would pass them. Both JA and I felt like we were walking faster but their walk looked so nonchalant and relaxed compared to ours. When we reached the track of the stadium we again jogged to the finish line.
JA sent me a link to our results a few days later. I hadn't bothered to look at what time we started or finished so I really had no idea. I know when I trained for the 3 day I could endurance walk a 13.5 minute mile but tried to slow down to a 15 minute mile for the sanity of my feet, knees and body. Needless to say, I was shocked when I opened up the results and saw that we completed the 5k in 36 minutes.
It almost makes me want to actually train and see if I can push myself to jog a 5k and see if I can physically complete. Then my rational side takes over as I laugh at myself and taunt myself to start with baby steps and see if a mile is even obtainable.
Why is it that fear and ourselves can be our worst demon? What is it that truly holds me back?