Procreation

I'm pretty sure that I do not want to have a baby. Pretty sure.

The ability to be able to determine that you will never be able to procreate again, is huge. I always thought that by some freak of nature or horrible unfortunate happenstance, I wouldn't be able to have a child. Not that I thought that I was invincible at the time so I could be reckless, I just didn't think that I would be given the opportunity to raise another human being. A human being of my flesh, my body, a part of me.

Then as the years have gone by since the birth of my son, the thought has crossed my mind that if I ever did find someone that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with or have another child with, maybe by some twist of fate, I wouldn't be able to. Maybe it would be a punishment for finally wanting, I would be left barren.

I've been contemplating making the choice to never have the opportunity to know if I could ever conceive another child. It clearly isn't something I take lightly. The thought of never seeing another offspring with my sarcastic sense of humor, dark features, intelligence or lack thereof...maybe it's a good thing. I'm pretty sure I don't want to go back to the sleepless nights or the chance that my child would have medical issues that would leave me struggling if I could parent.

I had the opportunity to meet a 25-year old woman today, who had just given birth to her sixth child prematurely two months ago. It made me think more about the possibility of giving birth. None of her children currently reside with her and the youngest has severe medical issues and is still in the hospital.

I can't say that solidified my choice. Clearly it isn't a choice I have to make today, or even tomorrow. But knowing that whatever I choose, I have the ability and the capacity to care for a child. And right now, I believe I have a choice. If I choose to never be able to have a child, that never is forever. I'm not sure that my pretty sure is pretty sure forever.