I just realized that one of the major reasons I stopped blogging was that I accepted placement of a teen foster child. And until now, I have never blogged about the experience. I truly believe that a piece of my heart and soul left when K left. Similar to the overnight experience where I took two young children home from my office at 10:15p.m. because we couldn't find homes and the children were trashing our office and we all needed sleep, I thought I could help. Temporarily.
Due to confidentiality, ailing memory and time passed, the memories and experiences with K are already diminishing. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him and hope the best for him. I hope that I impacted his life in a positive way and yet my greatest fear is that I caused more harm than good.
You see, I am a licensed foster parent who is only interested in providing short term, emergency or respite care. I want to be able to aid other foster families in a time of need. I want to be able to help workers when placements can't be secured immediately. However, selfishly, I want to enjoy being a "part-time" parent. I have joint custody of my son, which means that a little less than half the time, he is with his father. Therefore, I am a single. No longer just a "single parent". During my childless days I often work late hours or spend time with MS. I don't parent my child full-time and I clearly don't have the desire to parent someone else's child full-time. I say this honestly and truthfully. I know what my limitations are. I also know that deep down, when push comes to shove, I will put my own needs, wants and desires to the side for others.
And one day in early March, after facilitating a meeting, I decided that I could assist a youth for a couple of days until a foster home could be secured. Returning home wasn't an option and he didn't need/deserve to stay where he was. I thought...three days. Three days. I can do this.
Unfortunately the potential placements for K didn't work out. I'm not really sure how in my decade and a half of children's services work I had convinced myself that finding a home for an African American, special needs teenage boy with pending charges would be easy and achieved in three days! Naive. As K attended school near my house, I thought that a few days was doable that he could go to school and all would be well. After three days, there were still no local options for placement. Due to K's needs, he would be bussed to the school anywhere in the county, but finding a home in the county was no longer obtainable. A family stepped forward to accept placement of K, having known him from school. The family was eager to become licensed to accept placement. Three months. Three months. I can do this.
Meanwhile, I focused on the light at the end of the tunnel. I tried to work diligently with the other family and wanted them to get to know K so the transition would go well. The family didn't seem too interested. They had a few visits that had gone well. I continued to have my moments with K. Due to speech and language issues, K could be very loud. This was extremely difficult for T and I asked for replacement. I battled with doing so and finally had a talk with K about his behaviors and how screaming would not be allowed. If he screamed, he would have to pay me .25 every time. Surprisingly, motivated by money, this worked most of the time. That is until K would scream that I was "stealing his money", despite the fact that I only touched his money when he asked me to help count it, or to put it away.
I always reiterated with K that my home was a temporary home. Kids only come to stay for a very short while. Never once did I imply to K that he could stay with me. K also had visits with his family which were very inconsistent. This caused me more issue than K with scheduling, transportation and my work. K definitely seemed to be bonding to me. In many ways he was like a young child struggling with separation from me. He always wanted me to do things with him. No one else could do it like me, even though others could do things better - like throw a football! He no longer had interest in video games and constantly wanted my attention. I was emotionally drained. MS still lived an hour away at the time, so I was constantly on the "go" mode. I didn't have my own downtime. I was parenting full time. We had mastered how to make counseling a little more effective with me being an active participant as the foster parent, interpreter and at times it felt like the therapist. I can't honestly say that counseling was beneficial though.
MS was as supportive as possible. Having K had it's good moments too! He definitely made us laugh. From his constant, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?" to his anger outbursts and threats of "I'M GONNA THROW FIT!!!" I knew what K was capable of, but I also knew that he would never hurt me. He had never personally threatened me. He had threatened to break things in the home or punch holes in the wall, but the concrete walls were too much of a match for him! My house and my heart appeared a perfect match for him!
Finally the family was ready for K. Unfortunately, K wasn't ready for them. Ultimately, the placement failed. Despite my attempts to be a support for the family and to aid in the transition, there was nothing that could be done to salvage the placement. K needed an emergency placement. K wanted to be in my home. I felt the guilt. I agreed to one night but knew that a subsequent home for K would not be likely. His threats of harming police and professionals would not be welcome. School was drawing to an end. I had not planned on K being with me for the summer. What was I to do with an almost 14 year old special needs child while I worked full-time. K wanted to stay home. I told him that if he were going to stay at my house for any length of time, he would have to go to summer day camp while I worked. He agreed. For the two days before summer camp began.
I couldn't emotionally handle daily and nightly struggles with K about him dictating what he would or wouldn't do. I asked for him to be moved. It had already been determined that his being in my home was a bad thing. Bad because as I was told, "Whatever you did. However you did it. You succeeded. K bonded to you." And therefore, any potential placement would be sabotaged by K so that he would return to my house. Unfortunately, K will not graduate from high school. He will need some care for the rest of his life. I cannot commit to K. I can commit to love him and be a support or a respite for him, but not his caregiver. Not his parent. Ultimately, the placement disrupted. K then blew through several other possible placements within hours and ended up full circle back to where he started when I agreed to take him for three days.
They won't let me see him. They won't let him call me. I am following the rules. Part of my heart is broken. As I type this I have difficulty seeing through the tears. I loved K. I love K. But I know that I can't be K's mom. As much as K wants this. I battled back and forth. If MS could help me out now living closer and our teen boys could help and...and then I realize that they didn't sign up for this. I did. And as much as I want the best for K, I know that K is not the best for me and T.
I did receive a letter, a month after K wrote it. I cried. He apologized and wants to come back here to live. I have no doubt about that. But I can't give K what he needs long term. I am so thankful for the opportunity to have K in my life. It has been 2.5 months since K left. I still miss him, but every day is a little less. There are constant reminders of him. I feel the void. I wonder if he is capable of feeling it too.
Showing posts with label fostering. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fostering. Show all posts
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Monday, February 13, 2012
Fostering Respite II
I am currently experiencing my third respite foster care experience. The second set of children I respited back in August after returning home from Mexico. While I enjoyed the experience immensely, T thought otherwise. He still appears traumatized by the 7 year old female that repeatedly screamed his name incorrectly and attempted to wake him up earlier than he had hoped.
Needless to say, our current respite of a 10 year old female (D) had the cards stacked against her, in T's book. There is nothing she could say or do that would make T welcome her. Then again, T will be 15 next month and really I don't think any girl rates in his world at this moment (which, I am still perfectly fine with!). I feel bad for our foster child as she knows that T doesn't talk to her and even today she said that he doesn't even know her name, which he confirmed he did!
The current foster home requested respite initially from Sunday - Wednesday, but D came early Saturday morning. As D attends school in the nearby town, keeping her during the school week hasn't been a problem and I've only had to adjust my work schedule less than 1.5 hours a day. The current foster family had a change of plans and is having a "stay-cation" and enjoying being foster childless.
I actually like D. Respite foster care is tough though, trying to maintain another foster parent's schedule. D begins her bedtime routine at 7:00p.m. and is in bed at 8:30p.m. This schedule is maintained on the weekend. While I have done extremely well in keeping to the schedule, it isn't that conducive to T and I's normal routine. But for four days, we can manage.
D even adjusted well when her father canceled his unsupervised visit, the first one EVER he has canceled due to being "sick". I called him to inquire if he wanted to talk to his daughter on the phone. His response, "NO". He further and clearly went on to say, "It is difficult to even talk". I asked if he would want to reschedule the visit if he was feeling better and he said, "NO. Next Monday will be fine." He then said, "Tell her I said to do her homework." And we hung up. Seriously? D inquired twice about not seeing her dad. She was excited she wouldn't be seeing him tomorrow as a make up visit. She wasn't bothered. But I was.
How is it, that even given the opportunity by a foster parent to talk to your daughter, a parent would refuse? I know this answer. I have worked in child welfare and foster care for 14.5 years. I do understand. But...this is the first time, that as a foster parent being sincere and attempting to work with a birth parent (not as a caseworker) that I have been so completely disappointed.
What did D do to deserve this? How hard is it to take a moment to tell someone you care about them, miss them and/or love them? Especially a child. Is it too much to ask?
I guess I attempt to live my life in the best way that I know how. To tell those near and dear that I love them. To live with no regrets. I am not perfect by any means, but when given the opportunity, I try my best and take advantage of every opportunity.
Needless to say, our current respite of a 10 year old female (D) had the cards stacked against her, in T's book. There is nothing she could say or do that would make T welcome her. Then again, T will be 15 next month and really I don't think any girl rates in his world at this moment (which, I am still perfectly fine with!). I feel bad for our foster child as she knows that T doesn't talk to her and even today she said that he doesn't even know her name, which he confirmed he did!
The current foster home requested respite initially from Sunday - Wednesday, but D came early Saturday morning. As D attends school in the nearby town, keeping her during the school week hasn't been a problem and I've only had to adjust my work schedule less than 1.5 hours a day. The current foster family had a change of plans and is having a "stay-cation" and enjoying being foster childless.
I actually like D. Respite foster care is tough though, trying to maintain another foster parent's schedule. D begins her bedtime routine at 7:00p.m. and is in bed at 8:30p.m. This schedule is maintained on the weekend. While I have done extremely well in keeping to the schedule, it isn't that conducive to T and I's normal routine. But for four days, we can manage.
D even adjusted well when her father canceled his unsupervised visit, the first one EVER he has canceled due to being "sick". I called him to inquire if he wanted to talk to his daughter on the phone. His response, "NO". He further and clearly went on to say, "It is difficult to even talk". I asked if he would want to reschedule the visit if he was feeling better and he said, "NO. Next Monday will be fine." He then said, "Tell her I said to do her homework." And we hung up. Seriously? D inquired twice about not seeing her dad. She was excited she wouldn't be seeing him tomorrow as a make up visit. She wasn't bothered. But I was.
How is it, that even given the opportunity by a foster parent to talk to your daughter, a parent would refuse? I know this answer. I have worked in child welfare and foster care for 14.5 years. I do understand. But...this is the first time, that as a foster parent being sincere and attempting to work with a birth parent (not as a caseworker) that I have been so completely disappointed.
What did D do to deserve this? How hard is it to take a moment to tell someone you care about them, miss them and/or love them? Especially a child. Is it too much to ask?
I guess I attempt to live my life in the best way that I know how. To tell those near and dear that I love them. To live with no regrets. I am not perfect by any means, but when given the opportunity, I try my best and take advantage of every opportunity.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Fostering Respite
MS and I arrived back to the airport just before midnight on Thursday night. I stayed the night at MS' house and woke early to shower and head home. I went grocery shopping for the weekend in preparation of respite with a 7 year old and 4 year old. I raced home and put away the groceries, unpacked and started laundry. I went and picked up T from his dad's and got back home in time for the foster children to arrive at 1p.m.
The weekend was a great time! I enjoyed having the children in the home, although T was going out of his mind with the 7 year old that was annoying him beyond belief. I tried to give him some space of his own as the kids and I walked to a park on two of the days, visiting three different parks. We also enjoyed bowling, an indoor pool center, numerous movies, games and activities.
On the first day we painted nails although the 7 year old decided she didn't want hers painted and did mine instead. The 4 year old was ecstatic to have his finger and toes painted. His older sister proclaimed that he wasn't "allowed" to have them painted because "mom and dad" wouldn't allow it, so of course I painted them! I did take off the polish before he went back to the foster home on Sunday, but the little guy loved them and had fun picking out a different color for each nail!
I forgot how much energy it takes to parent young children! I did my best to keep them on the sleep schedule, but honestly I wasn't very successful. Obviously a different home and different sleep arrangements were difficult for the kids. The 4 year old fell asleep watching a movie in my lap both nights. He woke the first night several times throughout the night with the last time being 2a.m.! Both kids were up between 5-6:00a.m. both mornings! So my 3.5 hours of sleep average wasn't a great plan, but luckily short-term! I didn't love the fact that the kids wanted blueberry pancakes and after making them at 6:30a.m. and neither wanted to eat them! Oh well. Plan B.
The 4 year old was a serious cuddle bug. I loved being active with the kids. The 4 year old loved helping me do dishes and around the house. The 7 year old had issues with entertaining herself and was often "bored" so she found T to annoy! I was sad to see the kids leave and I think they weren't ready to go - which was fabulous as neither of us wore out our welcome!
Respite definitely works the best for us. We don't have to worry about childcare, can help out other foster families and can enjoy the benefits of children while offering them stability and opportunity too!
The weekend was a great time! I enjoyed having the children in the home, although T was going out of his mind with the 7 year old that was annoying him beyond belief. I tried to give him some space of his own as the kids and I walked to a park on two of the days, visiting three different parks. We also enjoyed bowling, an indoor pool center, numerous movies, games and activities.
On the first day we painted nails although the 7 year old decided she didn't want hers painted and did mine instead. The 4 year old was ecstatic to have his finger and toes painted. His older sister proclaimed that he wasn't "allowed" to have them painted because "mom and dad" wouldn't allow it, so of course I painted them! I did take off the polish before he went back to the foster home on Sunday, but the little guy loved them and had fun picking out a different color for each nail!
I forgot how much energy it takes to parent young children! I did my best to keep them on the sleep schedule, but honestly I wasn't very successful. Obviously a different home and different sleep arrangements were difficult for the kids. The 4 year old fell asleep watching a movie in my lap both nights. He woke the first night several times throughout the night with the last time being 2a.m.! Both kids were up between 5-6:00a.m. both mornings! So my 3.5 hours of sleep average wasn't a great plan, but luckily short-term! I didn't love the fact that the kids wanted blueberry pancakes and after making them at 6:30a.m. and neither wanted to eat them! Oh well. Plan B.
The 4 year old was a serious cuddle bug. I loved being active with the kids. The 4 year old loved helping me do dishes and around the house. The 7 year old had issues with entertaining herself and was often "bored" so she found T to annoy! I was sad to see the kids leave and I think they weren't ready to go - which was fabulous as neither of us wore out our welcome!
Respite definitely works the best for us. We don't have to worry about childcare, can help out other foster families and can enjoy the benefits of children while offering them stability and opportunity too!
Friday, July 15, 2011
Perfect Timing To Be...
In the midst of craziness of Little League regular season finishing, team tournaments, Allstar tournaments and T's weekend travel tournament team, I am almost at the point of no return of baseball. The last minute craziness of scheduled practices, the lack of communication and the forgetfulness of a fourteen year old with his baseball equipment dispersed between homes, I am at my limit!
In addition to baseball there is the little nuances of the latest round of hidden drama of an ailing father and his wife's adolescent behavior and lack of communication toppled on top of a job of no return or reward. The job issues shall pass - since they are crisis related for the most part - but the surmounting frustration of recruiting and retaining when the reality of people's lives, family and abuse occur leaves the situation prospects rather dismal.
While the much needed vacation could come sooner, I am definitely welcoming the vacation that MS planned for just the two of us, seven days/six nights (cutting a night short to return to motherhood and a respite foster care placement) in Riviera Maya, Mexico.
We are staying at one of the adult only resorts of karismahotels. While I went to the Riviera Maya in 2008 and stayed at an Iberostar with JN, we never left the resort. MS and I are hoping to travel and venture to Cancun and Playa Del Carmen. He would like to go deep sea fishing and we both would like to parasail. He would also love to play some golf which I said would be a great solo opportunity for him :) but agreed that if he wanted company (and entertainment) I would golf with him! I can't wait for this much needed vacation. MS and I have been spending more time together when we can, but clearly this seven day vacation traveling out of the country shall test our relationship.
I believe that he and I are ready for this test.
In addition to baseball there is the little nuances of the latest round of hidden drama of an ailing father and his wife's adolescent behavior and lack of communication toppled on top of a job of no return or reward. The job issues shall pass - since they are crisis related for the most part - but the surmounting frustration of recruiting and retaining when the reality of people's lives, family and abuse occur leaves the situation prospects rather dismal.
While the much needed vacation could come sooner, I am definitely welcoming the vacation that MS planned for just the two of us, seven days/six nights (cutting a night short to return to motherhood and a respite foster care placement) in Riviera Maya, Mexico.
We are staying at one of the adult only resorts of karismahotels. While I went to the Riviera Maya in 2008 and stayed at an Iberostar with JN, we never left the resort. MS and I are hoping to travel and venture to Cancun and Playa Del Carmen. He would like to go deep sea fishing and we both would like to parasail. He would also love to play some golf which I said would be a great solo opportunity for him :) but agreed that if he wanted company (and entertainment) I would golf with him! I can't wait for this much needed vacation. MS and I have been spending more time together when we can, but clearly this seven day vacation traveling out of the country shall test our relationship.
I believe that he and I are ready for this test.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Fostering
As of now, I still haven't had a foster home placement. It has been six months. I am perfectly OK with this! There were a couple that I considered, but definitely not what I was interested or became licensed.
On Saturday, as a favor to one of my foster homes, I offered to do "respite" for two boys, 10 and 12. I have met the boys twice before. They came over at 6:00a.m. and left at 4:30p.m. Everyone got along well and the visit went fine. Of course, I can't say that I have really experienced foster parenting at this point. Just a long day of hanging out and free babysitting.
But nothing like sticking your toes in the brisk great lake and feeling how cold it is. Maybe some day I will warm up to the idea and dive right in...maybe.
On Saturday, as a favor to one of my foster homes, I offered to do "respite" for two boys, 10 and 12. I have met the boys twice before. They came over at 6:00a.m. and left at 4:30p.m. Everyone got along well and the visit went fine. Of course, I can't say that I have really experienced foster parenting at this point. Just a long day of hanging out and free babysitting.
But nothing like sticking your toes in the brisk great lake and feeling how cold it is. Maybe some day I will warm up to the idea and dive right in...maybe.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
It Is Official
Moments ago in searching for something else, I realized that I am officially a Licensed Foster Parent (here) . Effective 9/14/2010, two months after my homestudy was submitted, I am licensed.
As a side note, I was able to confirm that in fact private agencies take precedence. Fourteen years ago, when I entered the field of Foster Care there were looming threats of privatization. Those threats continue today. So in a way, my time frame of being licensed was a comparison of state vs. privatization as two separate reports were submitted on the exact same day and the private agency won.
Sometimes confirmation isn't bitter sweet.
Here is to the next "chapter" of my life. =)
As a side note, I was able to confirm that in fact private agencies take precedence. Fourteen years ago, when I entered the field of Foster Care there were looming threats of privatization. Those threats continue today. So in a way, my time frame of being licensed was a comparison of state vs. privatization as two separate reports were submitted on the exact same day and the private agency won.
Sometimes confirmation isn't bitter sweet.
Here is to the next "chapter" of my life. =)
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Licensing Update
One of the last times I blogged, I discussed pursuing becoming a foster parent. I'm one foot in the process and continuing. I had my Orientation a few weeks ago and due to my own job, there are certain training requirements that I'm exempt because, I've already done them!
My Orientation was "non-conventional" and I was drilled hard by the Licenser, also a very close associate. He took advantage of his authority over me and pushed me harder than was appropriate. When I left the office I wondered whether or not it would be better to have the younger licenser that I do not know on a personal level license me. It was out of my hands. Fortunately (I think) she was assigned my case/home. Unfortunately, she is intimidated by me and the fact that I know more about licensing than she does. I'm doing my best to wear a different hat, I really am!
One of the rules of being a foster parent includes that you cannot utilize a basement for anything other than laundry and storage if you do not have two means of egress. I do not. I have nine glass block windows in my basement, which is approximately 1400 sq. feet. We recently changed around the basement den to include T's 42" television, the other television - strictly for the Nintendo 64), a love seat, a futon, a five-in one air couch conversion thingy, the computer, etc. The other room offers the ping pong table and air hockey table. In getting licensed, my son and I cannot use the basement without an egress! I will not get licensed without making the basement "legal". The licenser said that just "foster kids" couldn't be in the basement, she is wrong. I will not violate the rules. Somethings I really am black and white.
There is grant money to assist with egress windows. If I get approved. I recently had a second quote for an egress window and met with the first for a second time. Both quotes were approximately $4300. Amazing that my friends all feel that I could get one for $1500-$2000. Why such the vast difference? Due to my concrete house, steel framing, close nature to the neighbors driveway, trees, gas line, 8'6" ceilings, etc. the cost is what it is.
I also had one of the places give me a quote on putting in a small bathroom in the basement. I've always wanted a second bath. I want a shower not a tub for purposes of space and cost. A friend told me this is a 3/4 bath. What? Anyway...so for both the quote came in at $10,000. I actually thought that was reasonable. Why again am I not handy? Of course in putting in an egress window and a second bath, my taxes will definitely increase. I've been in my house for 11 years now. It has been a fabulous investment and a great home for us, even if I don't see the monetary return when I sell it.
It is just a big investment. License or not. I'm debating whether or not to just jump right in or get a third quote. Decisions, decisions, decisions.
As for the rest of the licensing process...I'm waiting on the doctor's offices to complete the medical statements and return them. My friends have all received the reference requests. I apparently still have 2.5 hours of training to complete - I'll have that done very soon. I still need to get a carbon monoxide detector and would like to pick up another twin bed. So making progress, just it's going much slower than I would like. I'm learning to deal with not being in control. It's a hard lesson.
My Orientation was "non-conventional" and I was drilled hard by the Licenser, also a very close associate. He took advantage of his authority over me and pushed me harder than was appropriate. When I left the office I wondered whether or not it would be better to have the younger licenser that I do not know on a personal level license me. It was out of my hands. Fortunately (I think) she was assigned my case/home. Unfortunately, she is intimidated by me and the fact that I know more about licensing than she does. I'm doing my best to wear a different hat, I really am!
One of the rules of being a foster parent includes that you cannot utilize a basement for anything other than laundry and storage if you do not have two means of egress. I do not. I have nine glass block windows in my basement, which is approximately 1400 sq. feet. We recently changed around the basement den to include T's 42" television, the other television - strictly for the Nintendo 64), a love seat, a futon, a five-in one air couch conversion thingy, the computer, etc. The other room offers the ping pong table and air hockey table. In getting licensed, my son and I cannot use the basement without an egress! I will not get licensed without making the basement "legal". The licenser said that just "foster kids" couldn't be in the basement, she is wrong. I will not violate the rules. Somethings I really am black and white.
There is grant money to assist with egress windows. If I get approved. I recently had a second quote for an egress window and met with the first for a second time. Both quotes were approximately $4300. Amazing that my friends all feel that I could get one for $1500-$2000. Why such the vast difference? Due to my concrete house, steel framing, close nature to the neighbors driveway, trees, gas line, 8'6" ceilings, etc. the cost is what it is.
I also had one of the places give me a quote on putting in a small bathroom in the basement. I've always wanted a second bath. I want a shower not a tub for purposes of space and cost. A friend told me this is a 3/4 bath. What? Anyway...so for both the quote came in at $10,000. I actually thought that was reasonable. Why again am I not handy? Of course in putting in an egress window and a second bath, my taxes will definitely increase. I've been in my house for 11 years now. It has been a fabulous investment and a great home for us, even if I don't see the monetary return when I sell it.
It is just a big investment. License or not. I'm debating whether or not to just jump right in or get a third quote. Decisions, decisions, decisions.
As for the rest of the licensing process...I'm waiting on the doctor's offices to complete the medical statements and return them. My friends have all received the reference requests. I apparently still have 2.5 hours of training to complete - I'll have that done very soon. I still need to get a carbon monoxide detector and would like to pick up another twin bed. So making progress, just it's going much slower than I would like. I'm learning to deal with not being in control. It's a hard lesson.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Reality Check: Privacy vs. Trust
I think it's common for most bloggers and readers to feel a certain relationship and attachment to other bloggers, even without ever meeting them. My blog is mainly anonymous, although some close to me are aware and even read; however, many people that know me don't read my blog. Does that mean they know me less than blog readers?
Over the last few weeks, I've been going though a variety of things. One of them was my new found interest in becoming a foster parent. This opens a whole can of worms based on my current employer, my position and "Conflict of Interest" clauses. While it isn't impossible for me to become licensed, the requirements specifically for me to avoid conflict of interest would not be in my personal best interest (i.e. distance, location, time...). I discarded the idea; however, I felt discriminated against based on my current job title/position.
I also began dating again. I've met one person from a free online weekend. I have met no one from actually subscribing to eHarmony, which personally, I can't stand the website, the layout or anything about the site. That obviously comes from someone who has dabbled with online dating for the past decade. Sigh...that's sad. Anyway...I went out with this person again last night, being the third time.
I'm not going to go into the details and obviously dating is a case by case basis. And maybe it's about following that "gut instinct". It isn't that I don't trust him, but my past few dating experiences, if you call them that, may have left a bad taste in my mouth. There are also some read flags I have with this guy in the sense of time since his divorce, age of kids, amount of kids and most of all the annoying way he sticks out his tongue when he laughs. Yes, I may be THAT shallow. He has asked me on numerous times where I live, I have not divulged. Not for any specific reason per se, I just didn't see it necessary. I have nothing to hide. I don't have a boyfriend or a spouse that I would need to hide things in my house if the new guy came over. I just also don't see any reason to share at this point. Last night, I went to his house for the first time. As the night was drawing toward an end, he asked if he could ask me a question. He asked, "Do you want to meet my kids?" Sigh...
Most of the time, I really do love kids, if I allow myself. I told him it was way too soon. Obviously with our parenting schedules, if I don't meet them, it will be almost two weeks until we see each other again (after Friday). He doesn't want to wait that long. I don't want to rush with the kid thing just because of time constraints and schedules. He also went on again about how I wasn't willing to tell him where I live. I invited him to the town I live on Friday and agreed to meet him at my work - which he knows where that is, general vicinity at least. He found that odd. I found it convenient as I will be working until he gets into town and our plans are on that side of town. But, is there more reason that that?
The other night after dinner with my son, I realized I didn't have my keys. I had locked them in the car, still sitting in the ignition. What to do? Who to call? Who do I call? Can I have someone go to my house, get my spare key into my house and then grab my spare car keys? Who do I trust? Who can I ask? Who would actually do this? I felt lost. Lost that I'm not trusting enough. Lost that I don't want to inconvenience anyone with my misfortune. Could I call a tow-truck? My insurance number was...in the car! I did call a co-worker/friend who came to my rescue. The first thing I did when I got home? I changed the location of my spare key - after 8 years, I moved it.
Why did I move it? Is it that I didn't trust my rescuer? I can admit that I feared that he may tell the story to others in my office and then my spare key would become office knowledge. It's amazing what people disclose to co-workers and friends, especially after a night on the town. I didn't want to take that risk.
Today I decided to pursue the whole foster care issue again, this time directly with my Program Manager. He said he would "think about it". He did ask what my relationship was with the agency I was considering licensure and I explained. He also asked if they would license me based on my intentions of short-term and respite care. I then called the agency licenser without waiting for a response.
They will license me. Or I should preface to say, they will work with me. They will pursue licensing me and would be happy to do so - assuming my home meets licensing rules...which I only see the lack of egress in my basement being an issue - for my son and I, not to actually be licensed. I scheduled the Orientation without actually getting confirmation from the Program Manager that I could proceed; however, if I'm told I can't, than I won't. Done. As part of the license, I need five unrelated references. Five.
Moments before I decided to type this, I mentally made a list and then wrote them out of who I could ask to be references. I struggled. And then, I wondered how sad is it that I can't come up with five people that would be a personal reference for me? Five people that I think know me well enough to be a reference? As I type this, I begin to think of more. But even this morning as I walked into work, I thought of some of my closest relationships and one specifically that after 1.5 years has never even been to my house. Am I that private? Do I keep my friends at that much of a distance? Do I fear intimacy in all relationships or any relationship? Do I share more on a blog than I do with my closest friends?
Or does it really boil down to the fact that I'm an A personality and a perfectionist. That I don't want to bother those closest to me, or that I fear that they don't know me on every level that it would seem a reference should. Work references, no problem. Personal references, different story. I want the references to be positive. But I have different friends - childhood friends, work friends, personal friends, friends through my child...do I have five that can vouch for me as a reference that know me personally as a person, a friend, a mother, a caretaker, as well as a character reference in a professional capacity and have been to my house? Is there anyone other than spouses or significant others, best friends and family (if even them) that knows anyone that intimately? I think of how many people I know that intimately.
So here I sit struggling if maybe, I'm not a good friend. Or maybe I really have trust issues. Is it my life, my job or just me that has molded me into who I am? All of the above.
I'm not afraid to give the guy that I've been out with three times my address. Sometimes it's easier to disclose to those that don't know us or will never meet us. Or to those that we know that relationships will only be so deep, just below the surface. Maybe it's the fear of disappointing others with who I am or what I have to offer. Or maybe it really is about gut instinct or in the guy that I'm dating, I don't want to be taken for granted. I've worked hard for who I am and where I'm at and the thought that someone could or would want something from me without really wanting all of me...that's what fear keeps me grounded and private.
Over the last few weeks, I've been going though a variety of things. One of them was my new found interest in becoming a foster parent. This opens a whole can of worms based on my current employer, my position and "Conflict of Interest" clauses. While it isn't impossible for me to become licensed, the requirements specifically for me to avoid conflict of interest would not be in my personal best interest (i.e. distance, location, time...). I discarded the idea; however, I felt discriminated against based on my current job title/position.
I also began dating again. I've met one person from a free online weekend. I have met no one from actually subscribing to eHarmony, which personally, I can't stand the website, the layout or anything about the site. That obviously comes from someone who has dabbled with online dating for the past decade. Sigh...that's sad. Anyway...I went out with this person again last night, being the third time.
I'm not going to go into the details and obviously dating is a case by case basis. And maybe it's about following that "gut instinct". It isn't that I don't trust him, but my past few dating experiences, if you call them that, may have left a bad taste in my mouth. There are also some read flags I have with this guy in the sense of time since his divorce, age of kids, amount of kids and most of all the annoying way he sticks out his tongue when he laughs. Yes, I may be THAT shallow. He has asked me on numerous times where I live, I have not divulged. Not for any specific reason per se, I just didn't see it necessary. I have nothing to hide. I don't have a boyfriend or a spouse that I would need to hide things in my house if the new guy came over. I just also don't see any reason to share at this point. Last night, I went to his house for the first time. As the night was drawing toward an end, he asked if he could ask me a question. He asked, "Do you want to meet my kids?" Sigh...
Most of the time, I really do love kids, if I allow myself. I told him it was way too soon. Obviously with our parenting schedules, if I don't meet them, it will be almost two weeks until we see each other again (after Friday). He doesn't want to wait that long. I don't want to rush with the kid thing just because of time constraints and schedules. He also went on again about how I wasn't willing to tell him where I live. I invited him to the town I live on Friday and agreed to meet him at my work - which he knows where that is, general vicinity at least. He found that odd. I found it convenient as I will be working until he gets into town and our plans are on that side of town. But, is there more reason that that?
The other night after dinner with my son, I realized I didn't have my keys. I had locked them in the car, still sitting in the ignition. What to do? Who to call? Who do I call? Can I have someone go to my house, get my spare key into my house and then grab my spare car keys? Who do I trust? Who can I ask? Who would actually do this? I felt lost. Lost that I'm not trusting enough. Lost that I don't want to inconvenience anyone with my misfortune. Could I call a tow-truck? My insurance number was...in the car! I did call a co-worker/friend who came to my rescue. The first thing I did when I got home? I changed the location of my spare key - after 8 years, I moved it.
Why did I move it? Is it that I didn't trust my rescuer? I can admit that I feared that he may tell the story to others in my office and then my spare key would become office knowledge. It's amazing what people disclose to co-workers and friends, especially after a night on the town. I didn't want to take that risk.
Today I decided to pursue the whole foster care issue again, this time directly with my Program Manager. He said he would "think about it". He did ask what my relationship was with the agency I was considering licensure and I explained. He also asked if they would license me based on my intentions of short-term and respite care. I then called the agency licenser without waiting for a response.
They will license me. Or I should preface to say, they will work with me. They will pursue licensing me and would be happy to do so - assuming my home meets licensing rules...which I only see the lack of egress in my basement being an issue - for my son and I, not to actually be licensed. I scheduled the Orientation without actually getting confirmation from the Program Manager that I could proceed; however, if I'm told I can't, than I won't. Done. As part of the license, I need five unrelated references. Five.
Moments before I decided to type this, I mentally made a list and then wrote them out of who I could ask to be references. I struggled. And then, I wondered how sad is it that I can't come up with five people that would be a personal reference for me? Five people that I think know me well enough to be a reference? As I type this, I begin to think of more. But even this morning as I walked into work, I thought of some of my closest relationships and one specifically that after 1.5 years has never even been to my house. Am I that private? Do I keep my friends at that much of a distance? Do I fear intimacy in all relationships or any relationship? Do I share more on a blog than I do with my closest friends?
Or does it really boil down to the fact that I'm an A personality and a perfectionist. That I don't want to bother those closest to me, or that I fear that they don't know me on every level that it would seem a reference should. Work references, no problem. Personal references, different story. I want the references to be positive. But I have different friends - childhood friends, work friends, personal friends, friends through my child...do I have five that can vouch for me as a reference that know me personally as a person, a friend, a mother, a caretaker, as well as a character reference in a professional capacity and have been to my house? Is there anyone other than spouses or significant others, best friends and family (if even them) that knows anyone that intimately? I think of how many people I know that intimately.
So here I sit struggling if maybe, I'm not a good friend. Or maybe I really have trust issues. Is it my life, my job or just me that has molded me into who I am? All of the above.
I'm not afraid to give the guy that I've been out with three times my address. Sometimes it's easier to disclose to those that don't know us or will never meet us. Or to those that we know that relationships will only be so deep, just below the surface. Maybe it's the fear of disappointing others with who I am or what I have to offer. Or maybe it really is about gut instinct or in the guy that I'm dating, I don't want to be taken for granted. I've worked hard for who I am and where I'm at and the thought that someone could or would want something from me without really wanting all of me...that's what fear keeps me grounded and private.
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