Green Be Gone: Greeting Grey

DK's Bedroom Before

DK is the Ex-BF (of 2.5 years ago).  He HATES painting.  His bedroom is the only room in his house that I didn't paint for him since he's owned it.  He and his dad painted it, although I admit I may have had some input on the color.  The room ended up being Gumdrop or something similar and we thought it would go well with a new black and white comforter, black curtains, black and glass night stands and Ansel Adams framed pictures.  It would have.  Almost.  IF they hadn't purchased it in a semi-gloss which made the color so obnoxiously hideous.  That was...four years ago.

Last summer while hanging out with DK on his jetski, I offered to help him repaint.  Shortly there after he was involved in a relationship and I decided they could do it together!  Unfortunately that relationship didn't work.  Two weekends ago, some fifteen months later, I finally fulfilled my promise to help paint his bedroom.  I'm not really sure why, and I may have thought several expletives while painting the room while he and T watched the UofM/MSU game!  He did tape the room and cleared out the furniture!  He also offered to get me things every twenty minutes or so! 

Seeing that DK is color blind, he didn't care what color to paint.  I decided he needed something calming and neutral that wouldn't scare away any new girlfriend.  I actually went with one shade lighter than what I had painted his living room, a light grey.  I did ask for his help in rolling the second coat - which proved most disastrous as he really had no idea how to roll paint on a wall!  I caught most of the running drips, but not all!  But it looked so much better than before!

DK's Bedroom After

Now if only I would actually finish the painting in my house!  I still have to finish the laundry room and outside window trim!  Maybe I'll even do it before next year! 

No News & Annoyances...

Over the past month or so, I've been reading a variety of blogs and stories which of course leave me to find nothing purposeful to actually post on this blog.  Everything in my life seems trivial compared to life-threatening diagnoses, passing of children/parents/loved ones, upcoming marriages/divorces, births or adoption of new children, oil spills, bankruptcies, homelessness, sales/purchases of homes, suicides/homicides, shootings/stabbings, car accidents, child abuse, etc. that surround me. 

I have absolutely nothing to complain about, although I wouldn't say that I'm a big complainer, more just a verbalizer.  I have very little to even babble about, although I can do that well!  But who really cares? 

I've had frustrations with my son's baseball teams and schedule (last minute notices), teenage angst and behaviors, home improvement issues, dating issues, and just miscellaneous things.  Nothing that has been life altering.  No devastation (knock, knock).  But maybe it's not about the loss that we want to hear or read, but the good things.  Well of course it is - which is why I have boycotted the news for years!  But, I don't have lots of new and exciting news to report either!

I guess I'll continue to just ramble when the thought moves me.  As I type this, a downpour of weather exists outside as the thunder rumbles.  A quick call home confirms that at this very moment, there are no streams or visible water cleansing the walls of my basement.  I have yet to call the insurance company to raise my homeowners to include another bathroom and now habitable basement square footage, but I will, soon, very soon. 

Every day I'm amazed and amused by little things.  Every day there is usually something that irritates me equally as much, which passes quickly.

As of late I've been pondering my relationships - friendships and dating.  On Saturday the Ex-Bf came to one of my son's tournament games.  He hadn't paid attention to the schedule and he missed two previous games of the tournament.  Unbeknownst to me, my son invited him to spend the day with him and the team at the hotel after the game.  He denied.  But when he hugged me goodbye he said to call him and see about hanging out the next day and he couldn't wait to do something again.  (Yes it's been 2.5 years since I split from him.  We are not FWB's!)

On Sunday morning before checking out of the hotel, I called him several times to see if he was going to take the jet ski out on the lake.  My son called him four times leaving him messages to call him ASAP.  My son was really hoping to go out on the lake and the tube.  It had been years since he had.

No call.  No nothing.

Until I received a text, ten minutes ago.  Four days later.  Four days!

He apologized for not returning my call but he had a date.  He texted that it went well, but her profile is still up so he doesn't know. 

I won't even begin to type what raced through my head when I read his text.  I responded, "good luck".  I wanted to respond with a lot.  I didn't.  You see, this isn't about me.  This isn't about him and I.  This was about my son.  My son who adores this guy and the friendship they have.  ADORES.  And this man had the audacity to not return HIS calls. 

I did ask my son if he had heard from the Ex-Bf and he said "NO".  I told him that I had and that he had a date.  My son's response, "Really?  A date and he calls four days later?"

I know that my son is obviously like me.  Communication issues or not as he turned a teenager months ago, he and I are still so very alike.  And in sooo many ways, that SCARES ME.

Pre-Ping Pong & The Ex-Bf

This past weekend was the annual ping pong (table tennis tournament). Again, the Ex-Bf and my son were playing in the "Dad and Son" competition while each also played in their individual respective categories.

The Ex-Bf came over last Thursday to practice with T. They hung out for a few hours while I was working and then grocery shopping. The Ex stayed for dinner, which was really the only conversation that he and I had. Then I watched them play ping pong for about 10 minutes before I retreated to watching American Idol. The Ex-Bf left about ten minutes later.

I had called JC immediately after speaking with the Ex and I agreed that he could come over so he and T could practice ping pong. I felt it important to communicate and share with JC, regardless of our issues with the ex-in-laws and communication. He was glad that I told him and said he was fine with it.

However, there was some obvious tension on the phone when I spoke with JC later that night and he felt I was "short" with him. I was in the middle of playing spades and riding the stationary bike while talking to him, sharing all of five minutes of dialogue I had had with the Ex-Bf the entire evening. More than anything, I will not let the Ex-Bf cause any relationship problems for me, those I will manage to have solely on my own!

Ex-Bf Invite

I called the ex-bf and invited him to the ball game tonight. It was closer to his house as it was an away game. I hadn't invited him to a game all season, but he has shown up to two. I know with him on medical leave, that he would love to come and watch, so I thought I would do the friend thing and invite him.

He was overjoyed. Maybe too much so. Since I was the official score keeper, I felt like he grilled me third degree on what I had been doing and what my past weekend entailed and with who. He didn't like that I hung out with a friend Sunday night and asked if it was male or female. I answered male and he asked how long I had been seeing him. I'm not, still have yet to date since I broke up with you in January, pal. Then he wondered if it was the same friend I hung out with on Friday, nope different friend. I know this drove him crazy and he asked if I had seen or talked to a guy that he knew I dated before, nope, so that must have puzzled him all the more that he wasn't one of them either night.

Regardless that Friday and Saturday were hanging out with girlfriends, I don't know that it's any of his business. If in fact he was a friend, it wouldn't be a problem. But instead, he is so curious as he's not dating and he's not over me, so it feels like an interrogation more than anything else.

To make matters worse, I invited him to join my son and I for ice cream next to the ball fields. This went fine and I think my son was ok chatting with him. He didn't seem to care really, one way or the other. It is nice to know that I haven't scarred him for life in my decision to stop dating the ex-bf. He did ask if the ex-bf would be going to tomorrow's game, but the ex said he didn't know...of course since his days are busy consumed with a 4.5 mile walk and video games. I can see how it would be tough to schedule something in.

It is funny though how the ex tries to guilt me into not giving him good hugs or being affectionate. I don't feel guilty. I really don't. I truly know that any affection will be taken the wrong way. I truly believe this time around, I'm healthy and happier than I have ever been. And...I'm strong enough to know that I will survive - not that I ever had a doubt, but I don't need him despite all the terrible prospects I have come across along the way, it will not bring me back to him.

The EX

An update on the Ex-BF...I hadn't talked with him in almost two weeks. I really hadn't decided if I was creeped out by the roses in the door or not. I decided to leave a lot of space and not return one of his general "How's it going?" messages. I wasn't going to ignore his phone calls, I just wasn't going to be calling him or returning his messages.

Monday he called me. Somehow I feel like conversations with him become Deja Vu. They are so repetitive. Basically with him trying to convince me that I don't know the real him and I've never seen his true personality. After 4 years of knowing him, I'm pretty sure I've seen it. Although I do admit, that around him, I don't feel like I can be myself either. I feel like I have to tiptoe around him and try to be passive. Key word ~ try. I'm tired of that!

Anyway, he wants to hang out. Remember my last "hang out" blog. Yeah, that went well. I'm not about to "hang out" with the ex-bf that wants more than just to be friends. And, I've told him that, time and time again. When he finds someone else or he moves on, then maybe we can hang out. He seems to think that we can go bowling and have a few beers - that's what TS and I do. He always seems to think that he can be fun at something that I find enjoyable with someone else.

Yesterday, he told me on the phone that he thought more about what he wants. He still wants to go bowling and hang out. But, not as friends AND not as boyfriend and girlfriend. What???? "Not as friends?" He goes on to explain that it would be just hanging out and if "at the end of the night we want to kiss, we kiss." Oh my.

Hello? Seriously, I don't think anyone is home. I don't want to date him or hang out with him if he wants more to the relationship than I do. Am I clear as mud, or what????

Nice Gesture or Creepy?

I'm really having a hard time determining if the two pink roses I found wedged between my doors was a nice gesture or if it was creepy. I want to say that it was a nice gesture. A surprise to say the least. Maybe it would have been welcome, otherwise. But...

When I read the card, which was a "Just Because..." card, which didn't profess love, although the intent I'm sure was there, I didn't feel anything. See, a little back history, the ex-BF was notorious for giving me one or two roses, not six, not twelve. I'm sure you may be thinking that I'm a selfish person or another acronym at this point, BUT...really I'm not like that at all. I seriously didn't understand the number of flowers and maybe as a woman I shouldn't have worried about it. But, the reality was, I always felt that it was because he was too cheap to buy more. See, it started from the very first time and I couldn't correlate the number to the number of dates or months or even years. There was no correlation whatsoever.

If financial reasons were the issue, which mind you most of the relationship was, then I didn't want or need flowers. Seriously. If anything, get a plant that lives and doesn't collect dust as much as dried roses I felt compelled to keep. What I really like though are daisies or a mixed bouquet and despite my telling him, he NEVER opted for this and always went with roses.

So tonight, there were two pink long stem roses and babies breath. He drove 55 minutes to get to my house to stick them in the door.

You tell me, nice gesture or creepy? Did I mention...EX-BF (of 4.5 months)? Or maybe it was comment the day before that he's my only "current" stalker. Yeah, and I thought he was kidding.

Exhaustion and the Ex-BF

Tonight I'm just downright exhausted. I have absolutely no reason why. I'm not getting sick. I haven't partied like a rock star. I haven't pulled all nighters. I have no reason to be so tired.

The Ex-BF "surprised" my son and I tonight and showed up at his game. He asked if I was "surprised". I can't say that I was. I didn't really feel anything. He had left a message on my home phone today saying that he had planned on coming to the game but wasn't going to be able to because his car was still in the shop. And when I pulled into the parking lot, there was his car. Sigh...should I have felt something?

After the game was over, we walked to the parking lot together. He asked if I wanted to grab a bite to eat. I don't even know what incoherent muttering I made, kind of like an "um, ah", whatever that means. I couldn't muster up the energy - I just wanted to collapse right there on the hard concrete and go to sleep. I think I seriously could have. He seemed to understand my muttering and said, "OK. Don't be a stranger." We hugged, said a few more things and off we went in our own direction.

I wondered if I should have felt guilty. Guilty for not being more excited or "surprised" that he drove an hour to come and see the game and likely me. He knew I didn't have my son tonight, so he was probably hoping to hangout, but he never bothered to call and ask - like I would think a friend would. I clearly wouldn't drive that far and just expect someone to drop what they were doing or not doing for me. I would have made sure to call in advance if I had hoped for something more than just watching a game. I don't feel guilty.

Maybe I truly have moved on.

The Ex-BF

The Ex-BF and I continue to keep in touch. Nowhere near what we did when we were dating. I still feel that he thinks someday, someday soon, I will wake up and realize I've made a big mistake. That I will understand how much he loves and cares for me and my son. I don't have to wake to know that. I do know.

Last night he left a message asking me if I knew what day it was. For the life of me...I didn't. Well that's not completely true...I knew that it was Wednesday 3/26 and in an hour or so it would be Thursday 3/27. I didn't know what day he was referencing and I didn't know what it was I was suppose to remember. And for a moment, I almost felt bad. Bad because again I figured I "forgot" or missed some revelation of importance or something miraculous had happened and in my sheltered world I had missed it. That my boycotting of the news since everything seems to be negative had impacted some big event.

He said that it was the 4-year anniversary of us meeting. That was weird. I didn't recall that at all. Mind you, I'm not the most sentimental or memorable of people. Sweetest Day and Valentine's Day are Hallmark Holidays. If I remember your birthday, that's a miracle. It isn't that I don't care, I just have so much other stuff going on to remember. I try to remember to right birthdays in the calendar, but I think what it boils down to is I love my friends and family. I love them EVERY day and I cherish them EVERY day. I'm glad to have them in my life and I don't think about letting them know that on the day of their birth - or only that day. Maybe that's why I don't find birthday's all that relevant, mine either. It's just another day, to me at least and one that I heard I'm suppose to be forgetting anyway. :)

In all actuality, he let me know that he was wrong. We didn't meet either of those days, it was actually 3/29. He even sent me a card. How sweet, I guess. But so not me. Maybe if we were dating, but an anniversary of friendship...

A friend of mine that I talked to tonight feels like it would be best to sever the relationship, completely. To cut ties between he and I and he and my son. I'm just not sure how I feel about that. We were best friends and that's hard. It's hard to lose a best friend - and especially when the friendship didn't take a turn for the worse or end badly. It ended because it wasn't going anywhere. There was a fork in the road and I veered the other direction at the last minute. I left him confused and looking for the quickest turn around on a one-way street. I want him to move on. I truly do and I want to be there, not by his side, but there when he finds someone and falls in love. There when he gets married and has his first child. I want to be there in the background cheering him on supporting him and his new life. And sometimes, I just don't know that that's possible for him to move on if I'm still somewhere. And ultimately that makes me sad.

Can Ex's Be Friends?

Ah...a question that never seems to have the right answer. Especially depending on who you ask will reap a different response. I have found that clearly any new BF has an issue with me having a relationship with an EX-BF. And personally, I'm not sure that becoming friends is possible. With time and with healing I would like to think that is. But clearly, if one person had different feelings than the other, especially in regard to the relationship and break up, friendship can be almost impossible.

My Ex-BF is a wonderful man. We met over 4 years ago, at a time when a relationship and men should have been the furthest from my mind and life! Our lives have definitely been different and we were an unlikely match in many ways. Timing. Timing that we met. Timing that we remained together. Timing that dissolved. I was going through a nasty divorce when I met the Ex-BF. I was honest from the beginning and the thought of marriage or more children, wasn't what I wanted or needed. It still isn't. He deserves that and he shouldn't settle for less. We were good companions and wonderful friends. The break-up was clearly a loss for both of us. We did break up once for 10 months, which I believe gives him hope that we again will reconcile - or that I will come to my senses! The reality is, maybe I should have long ago but fear kept me in the stable, known comfort. Fear of hurting him of hurting my son. I didn't break up to find Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong for that matter. I finally woke up and had the realization that it was time to start living what I felt. To stop thinking or talking about it, but to take action. While it may initially have been painful, I do feel that in the end it is best for all of us. While the Ex-BF may not think it, I do believe it is absolutely the best thing for him. He will find a truly wonderful woman to share his heart and soul with. I wish him nothing but happiness.

So if I know that I am emotionally somewhere that he is not, where does that leave the possibility of a friendship?