New car?

I can't tell you how many articles I've been reading about money management and purchasing of new and used cars. I've never been a fan of my current car, not from day one. And that, was seven years ago. Maybe it's the story of my life...living with things far too long although not being happy, but not doing anything to make a change. It isn't like my choices and commitments have been horrific for clearly that would lead me to change, but not ultimately the most rewarding.

As for my car, selling it early on just wasn't an option. We all know how much a car depreciates after you drive it off the lot. So I either had to take a loss or suck it up and drive on. And drive on I did. There isn't anything wrong with my car and like a lot of things, with time and age it has gotten better. I don't hate my car or resent my car, I just don't love it or even really like it. It's a car. Bottomline, it gets me where I need to go. No love lost.

My car has everything I need or want. It runs. It averages about 30 miles to the gallon, so I really don't have any chief complaints. It has been good to me for my commute for the past 10 months. I've managed to add 800-1000 miles every week, outside of my two vacations, during that time and still I just turned 90,000 miles. My initial thought was that I would drive the car for work, save the mileage reimbursement and then purchase a new car.

Now that my commute is abruptly over, I'm faced with thinking about a car. Do I really want or need a new car? I definitely don't need a new car. I definitely don't want a car payment. With gas prices the way they are, I could actually sell my car for a decent amount, but the real question is...Do I really want or need a new car?

If I didn't have to worry about increasing insurance rates and car payments, having a new car would be nice. Although I would likely go with some sort of SUV instead of a car, which I really don't need and I don't need the decreased gas mileage either. So for now, I'll stick with what I have and let my car and possible future mechanical difficulties dictate when I need a new car.

Open House

Today my son and I went through an open house. It was the first open house I've been to in quite some time. I have this thing for open houses, especially those in and around my neighborhood.

I'm always curious to see what other homes look like. How do they fare? How do they rate? How do they compare to mine?

If I could make a career out of going through people's homes, I would. I don't want to go through their personal belongings or affects, I just want to see homes. I want to see construction, decoration, display. It really is nothing personal about the home owner and it isn't a personal fetish of mine. Maybe just another one of my issues.

The house was on the same street as mine. The square footage was similar, but the home for sale was a two-story. I found that the listing listed a garage and two full bathrooms, while the garage was truly a shed and the second bath was a half bath. The home was about twenty years older. I wouldn't have ever considered selling a house in the condition that it was. Not that it was bad, but I would truly be the type to clean and paint and do updates before I sell my house. Maybe it's putting your best foot forward and presenting in the best way possible for the best outcome possible.

It was enlightening to see how much the home was listed. Not that I plan on selling my house during the next decade or anything, but do we really know what our future has in store for us? It truly is a buyer's market; however, if that house sells and for anything close to what they listed it, I would say that maybe in this difficult economic time in Michigan, I might actually be living in an investment. Wow, now that would be a polar opposite from my 401k "investment"!

Reflection

Reflective vs. Reflection...I'm sitting here pondering the difference. I could blog about my random thoughts on both until I'm blue in the face...seriously, I have issues. So fortunately, I won't.

The past couple days I've been quite reflective. In being reflective it makes me think about my reflection. It makes me ponder how true a reflection is to oneself. Likewise, how accurate our thoughts and images truly are to our true self. Maybe they are one in the same, maybe they aren't. I don't have any answers.

No answers...that seems to be a constant for me lately. I don't know the answers. Nothing jumps out at me in black and white. Nothing seems to be an easy answer. I wish it were so simple.

It's pretty much always that I over analyze. I seriously don't know why I am not permanently blue in the face. Friends tell me I think too much. When I think I've thought too much, I think again. It really is that bad.

Maybe there is medication to cure one from thinking, not in an ADD/ADHD type of way or in an illegal drug type of way to forget but in a way to live the moment, to go with the flow, to just be. Maybe that drug is life.

How does one stop thinking and start living without being completely impulsive and incompetent? Maybe I should think about this more.

I have found myself to reflect on who I am, where I am, what I am and where I want to be. I wish my life were like a drive-in movie theater that I could pull up and watch and see what the next scene is going to be. Maybe I truly don't want it that predictable, but it would be nice to know the ramifications and outcomes of actions before making decisions. I still don't have any answers. I even found myself reflecting on this blog and posts over the past six months into feelings and emotions. Almost like a path to the not so distant past of how a mind meanders through time.

While I think a lot on my own, frequent discussions with friends, family, co-workers as well as watching a few movies has me pondering all the more.

If you really know what you want, would you jump in with both feet? How do you really know what you want?

If you really know what you don't want, would you flee at first sight? How do you really know it isn't what you want or need?


I would say in every aspect of my life, I think too much. Maybe I haven't always, which now leaves me thinking more than necessary. Maybe it's the life I've led, the things I've seen, the mistakes I don't want to repeat.

Maybe what it boils down to is...I just don't have the answers, reflections or not.

Commute No More

Yesterday afternoon I learned that I am officially, tentatively done with my commute to work across the state. No more 184 miles round trip per day! I can't say that it didn't happen at a better time, with the threat of gas prices reaching $5.00 per gallon or higher due to Hurricane Ike.

A friend of mine asked if it felt like I had been fired. I wasn't aware that I wouldn't be returning back to that worksite when I left for the week on Thursday; however, I did pack up all of my personal belongings, just in case. I guess I'm just anal like that. Apparently my local boss had contacted my lead to inquire about me returning at least another day or two per week. The lead mentioned it to me, which I was completely unaware, as she thought I had asked to return due to lack of work. See, I don't do well with boredom and the lack of work was driving me crazy, but I hadn't said anything to anyone about it. I was trying to accept that I was supposed to work where I was told, or at least report to where I was told! So on Thursday afternoon, I thought maybe I would return back to my local office two days per week.

On Friday afternoon I learned that this was not the case. They may call me back when things get busy. I'm not holding my breath. Especially since gas prices will far outweigh the mileage reimbursement and it will likely be the dead of winter when they may need some additional help. Maybe it was just the lead's way of being politically correct. Regardless, I am back to my three mile drive to work, sitting at my desk for eight hours straight, no travel reimbursements and catching up with friends and family after work instead of during the commute. Life really isn't all that bad!

Understanding Life Lessons

This morning I received a call from someone I dated over two years ago. We are very good friends now and it seems that since I've met Mr. Date, he seems to be calling a lot. Maybe it's since he knows I'm not available. Maybe it's since he's lonely, desperate or sees that his world is falling apart due to employment, housing and personal issues that he vaguely discusses with me. In some ways I think he wants me to believe that it has something to do with me, which I'm not that gullible or maybe it's that I have moved on and just don't care about the why's.

His call this morning was to ask me how much he hurt me when our "relationship" ended. He wanted to know why in the world I would ever consider being in a relationship again. See the thing is, I learned a lot about myself and about relationships from him. It was clearly a life lesson. It was a recognition of how to accept and understand when mutual feelings don't exist or when the odds are stacked against you. It was also an understanding of what I want out of a relationship and what I don't.

In retrospect, my friendship and relationship with him was everything I could have asked for. I wasn't interested in dating as I had just separated from the ex-bf. He was accepting of me maintaining a relationship with the ex-bf but even two years later, I still wonder about his motives. I never fully trusted him. Ok, that would be an understatement. I wasn't and never would have been a priority. When I spent time with him, it was usually in the same general area but not together. I would be watching the sunset or movies and he would be painting, working or on the phone. Because of him, I fell in love with the beach and the summer sunsets.

I'm not sure if he's over me. His calls could imply that he's not, especially if I wanted to believe them. But for me, in my healthy state I take them at face value. A friend is going through some tough times and I will be there for him in ways that I can but I will not let him interfere with my emotions or feelings. I have become a stronger and healthier individual.

I have lived. I have loved. I have lost. I have learned. And for that, I am thankful that my life lessons have helped mold me into who I am today.

Reoccuring Dreams of Fire

By no means am I a dream analysis expert. I'm not even a novice. I basically know nothing about it! Maybe in my free time, I should learn. I've heard people say tidbits about dreams of monkeys or money or madness (ok, going with the "m" theme) but nothing that I firmly recall or believe.

Lately, I've been having dreams about house fires. Always in the house where I was raised, which is no longer in the family. In 1996, my mother and stepfather had a severe house fire and lost 99% of the main house (which was not the house I grew up in). Fortunately they weren't home and the pets all survived. It was tragic for my parents, but I was removed from the situation. I was pregnant and across state and aided in the rubble search in the early throwes of winter when able. I had some things in the home - like my coin collections (I couldn't even begin to guess the value) and then college books and term papers, 6 years of yearbooks and other random memorabilia. My brother had close to 100k in series set baseball cards, special edition cards, etc. But life happens. Still, approaching on the twelve year anniversary, my mom reminisces and pangs for what was, the lifetime of belongings lost, for times lost, for what we can't recapture,what we can't return.

I don't know why, but on and off for the past few months, I've been dreaming of fires. I really should try to determine the correlation or significance. I went to bed rather early last night, was actually in bed around 10:30p.m. and off the phone and asleep before midnight! No small feat mind you! Anyway, before actually getting out of bed this morning, I recall dreaming that my childhood home blew up. The outside mudroom wall exploded. I only know this, since I was able to recreate it and see it, after it had already occurred, in my dream. I was able to have time to salvage something from the home before it happened. And I was lost. I couldn't prevent it from happening. I couldn't stop it. I couldn't stop the pain, the hurt, the damage, the loss.

I didn't know what was worth taking - what is it that we can't live without? What is it that will aid us in the time of loss when we have to pick up the pieces and start over?

I had time to go in and out of the house at least five times. It was if I was in a trance. Analyzing the importance of everything. In complete slow motion, I couldn't grasp the notion of anything that was more important than life itself. Afterall, despite grief and loss, we can and will survive. We will move on, we can conquer, if we choose.

I did manage to grab picture albums and those yearbooks (I sometimes wish I had to share with my son as he enters 6th grade!), some clothes (as the thought that the insurance adjusters would think the fire was intentional since why would I have some of my son's clothes - which ironically enough were nothing I had ever seen before! My son's room was formerly my brothers and the clothes were faded and military themed.)

What does it all mean? What is so important that's worth saving that when we look back we can be proud and understand that for that brief moment I did the right thing? For me, it's family and friends. Everything else material is just that...material.

The Dress

I would definitely say that I'm a tomboy. I'm not into the whole high maintenance thing. I don't care for shopping. I only paint my nails for really special occasions (weddings) since I manage to ruin them regardless of how many HOURS I allow them to dry. I have long hair which I sometimes style or color, but mainly I rationalize that it's dead and I have better things to spend $100 and change on that needs to be colored every month. I'm a realist. I'm not materialistic at all - fashion and name brand anything mean nothing to me. I wouldn't say that I'm frugal, but I definitely rationalize a great majority of my purchases.

With that being said...I had a 30% coupon at Kohl's. I definitely wanted to find some more tops to wear with my capris since I'm not big into shorts either. Something about thunder thighs and my knee surgery scars...anyway. So I rummaged around the store, sifted through clearance racks and continued on my fashion barista mistaka mission to find color. Yep, regardless of what the guy said about me trying to look like I walked out of Fashion Bug Plus and/or Layne Bryant and that color made me look bigger, I looked for color.

And...I found it. I actually purchased three dresses of a wide variety. Mind you, I don't wear dresses. Not that I'm opposed to them, I just never seem to have a reason to wear them. When dating the ex-bf his idea of dress up wasn't really more than dockers and a button down shirt, so a dress definitely over-dressed him. I do occasionally by a dress every year in the event that maybe I will wear it, but typically don't. So the idea that I bought three dresses and a pair of black patent leather shoes - oh yeah - fashion here I come...or not so much as it may be. Regardless those and a handful of underwear and a bra with the discount came to under $75, how could I go wrong?

So without further ado, I decided to wear the dress and the new shoes the following day, yesterday. The dress is REALLY comfortable and to me seems more like a bathing suit cover up, but whatever.

I asked my son what he thought of my dress as we got ready to leave for our day. He said he didn't like it. I asked, "What don't you like about it?" His response, "The dress."

Seriously, he is SOOOOO my son! So with my son's shaky hand at the camera - here it is:

Medical Update

To post about something non-dating related, I seem to be in the midst of many medical issues. There it is, issues. This seems to happen every year after my physical, I seem to have a barrage of follow up appointments.

One was with my primary doctor, whom I've never met, to discuss having my tubes tied. I did initially inquire about a hysterectomy but was shot down! My mother had breast and uterine cancer and my father has a laundry list of medical ailments larger than Santa's Christmas list, so this gene pool is pretty murky.

I learned that I have two options, a coil procedure which can take three months and is permanent or a incision surgery with bands that can be reversed which is immediate. The doctor inquired if I was married or in a relationship. He wondered what would happen if in three years if I met the man of my dreams and wanted to have a child, what then? I wouldn't! Adoption? He asked how old my "baby" was? And then said that since I am not in my 20's and have an 11 year old that I can make my decision. He did seem surprised that I use birth control and abstinence (maybe he thought I was the next immaculate conception) and said I could continue until menopause. SUPER.

Then I saw a GI doctor for an appointment. Everything looked good, which didn't explain a long-term more than sporadic problem, so now I have to have a colonoscopy. I'm super excited about it, let me tell you! I picked up the stuff I have to drink to cleanse me out and keep me in the bathroom for an entire day today. I have to have the clear diet and take this stuff on Sunday, so looks like we won't be going anywhere. Nothing like precautionary measures.

Today I got home and was greeted by a reminder card that in August I need to schedule a follow-up ultrasound for my thyroid. This will be the third, they just keep watching it and saying to come back in 6 months. I mentioned the ultrasound to my son at dinner tonight and he said, "Isn't that where they rub the thing on your belly to see the baby?" Sure is. So I asked him if he wanted me to have a baby and he vehemently responded with, "NO", that makes two of us bud, that makes two of us.

New Day

It's a new day and godwilling I can put last night, far, far behind me. I hate when my emotions and common sense get out of control. Fortunately that is very rare, so it isn't something that I have to deal with on a regular basis.

In order to be sure that I've fully recovered and returned to the state of sanity in an insane society, I'm taking a break. As of now, I'm pledging to myself that I will not use the internet for two days (minimum - which seriously will be hard enough as my son isn't even around - but time to catch up on me time, sleep, movies, etc.), outside of business hours. I will not be enticed or allured into chatting online and communicating with unknown individuals via email or instant messenger. Those that are most important to me, know how to reach me...it's called a phone - clearly my communication choice preference.

Until next time...I'm outta here.

Wreck aka Basketcase

I'm seriously a wreck. I have no idea why I'm sitting her in front of the computer. I can't remember the last time I've felt this emotionally drained or emotional. I wish I could say it was last month when the hormones were in full gear, 'cause then I just might be able to rationalize my behavior. Seriously, I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face and I can't figure out why.

It's an accumulation of everything I guess. I seldom get this emotionally overwhelmed. Actually my emotions are usually pretty in check. Maybe it's been thrown in a tizzy by the resurgence of dating yesterday compiled with "the curse" and the fact that it is going on 2a.m. and I've had less then 10 solid hours of sleep in almost 70 hours. Yeah, I'm sure that has something to do with it.

I really am an emotional person. I am affected by what people say or think. I don't handle it well and I feel like the means need to be justified or I need to understand why. This online interaction stuff has me all over the place. Last night I was verbally assaulted and called a pyscho by someone that didn't like a generalization that someone 5'8" and 160# for a male would be considered weak. It took a long time to try to work that one back out to sanity - but he went dirty, nasty first. And, instead of severing the contact, I wanted to resolve the issue. Why? Why do I bother? Why does crap like that weigh on my conscience?

This weekend I was suppose to meet someone that I met online that lives 3.5 hours away and is middle eastern. I have never dated anyone middle eastern, and not that I have any opposition, the reality of trying to date in general is hard enough let alone add the distance and the ethnic differences. So he called tonight and left a message. We chatted briefly online, mind you I know almost nothing about this man, and it came down to my decision that since I'm likely not going across state this weekend, we shouldn't meet. He didn't think I was being fair for not giving him a chance and then he stopped communicating with me. Done. And that bothered me too.

Then there is Mr. Date. We have plans to get together tomorrow. He seems really unsure if I like him. He emailed (can I say how much I HATE trying to communicate via email?) to ask if I date more than one person at a time. Generally absolutely not, but I gave some generalized email response which was bizarre. Then I sent another one explaining how I'm not ready for a commitment, he's my first date in six months, I want to meet people and enjoy life etc. Afterall, I do see the red flags with him, the kids, the pending divorce, the distance, etc. He responded and it was fine, that he is cautious with dating and we had fun, so why not try it despite him knowing I'm uncomfortable with the kids. So I email him back and from somewhere I poured out my heart. I don't know why. Maybe because I care. Maybe because I'm a crazy lunatic.

Oh yeah and I forgot to mention the hour plus conversation with the ex-bf on the way home about why we aren't together and won't be getting back together. Regardless, relationship memory lane is an emotional rollercoaster and exhausting in and of itself. Maybe six months is too soon.

Then on this new site that I joined on Sunday - I've actually had some decent emails back and forth with a handful of people. I've enjoyed the banter and the emails. Granted there have been some not so nice ones, but in general it's been a good experience. I had an im friend request from one of them, an attractive military young man. So he im's me tonight and asks for pictures. He claims he can't see me on the dating site, what? He asks if I have myspace, which leads me to believe he's a looker. I add him reluctantly as a friend and in his pictures he has four naked from chest to hairline of the groin area. Nice...yep not for me. So I delete him and move on. I try to login to the site to check my email, repeatedly and nothing.

I've been deleted, completely vanished, banned from the site. I have absolutely no idea why. I've read the rules and I don't think I violated any of them. Gone. All the emails are gone. Any that I corresponded with new people...gone. No idea if they read my latest replies or not. It's almost like my new "friends" have just vanished and I don't know why and I don't know what I did or didn't do and I don't want any of these men to think that they did something either.

Then I'm back online talking to another guy about my problem with the website logging in. He confirms that I'm gone. All emails sent and received by him are gone. No more. So I bother to create another profile, since now I'm rather irritated and I don't want anyone I had been talking to to think it was them. Actually, one of them did. He emailed me already and said there was a message from me and then it was gone and he thought he had said something. After I created the new account, I got an im request - and that went to hell quickly after sharing pictures and the guy asking me if I had "big cans". Seriously. What am I doing?

Then while still chatting with the "friend" the conversation turns to porn, strip clubs and the relevance in a relationship. Apparently his ex had a problem with it. I do too. Both my son's father and my ex-husband, were huge into it. My stance, if I'm not good enough, then don't waste either of our time. I don't go elsewhere, why should you. Of course this guy thinks otherwise and then thinks he's completely offended me. He tells me I need to find some religious guy that will agree with my views on pornography. He then says, I guess we'll never meet, but doesn't understand why I ever met Mr. Date if there isn't a possible connection and why I talk to him instead of someone I shared a few religious conversations with. Just because one has a conversation with someone doesn't mean that they are the one and only. So yeah, that one ended, not so well either.

So here I sit, with dried tear stains since I wonder how the heck I've managed to f'up every conversation I attempted to have tonight by being honest. By trying to communicate. I got an email back from Mr. Date that said, are we still on tomorrow? Glad that my bated breath waiting after my "deep" email got that response. I think I need to go back to bed and hibernate. I did tell him that I need a raincheck since these emotions are out of whack and sleep deprivation is seriously playing havoc. He seemed ok with it, but the truth is, I would really like to see him. How and why is that? Why when I want to be so rational to say it won't work, do I care? In reality I know that I probably sabotaged every conversation tonight since I really didn't want to talk to anyone since I'm really only a one at a time dater, and I need to figure out what is going on with Mr. Date before I see whatelse is out there.

I was really enjoying life and then I went and messed it up when I considered meeting men and dating again.

Can someone run me over now?

D DAY...

Date Day...it's midnight, the official witching hour and the count down as it is now date day. Maybe I should be freaking out. Maybe I should be counting the hours, minutes, seconds until he and I will meet. Maybe I should be encrypting his picture in my mind and everything we've ever discussed. Maybe I should be committed...since maybe afterall...

I'm really not feeling anything. Nothing. Nada. Zero. Zilch.

Ok, maybe I'm feeling a little pressured that I'll have to come up with Plan E since there is a 40% plus chance of scattered thunderstorms. Even in the remote chance that it isn't raining at the exact time that we are planning on playing disc golf, if it has rained anytime during the day, the woods will be a mess and the mosquitoes will be like vampires. Seeing that it took almost three days to come up with a time and location, it could take three more days to come up with some back up plan.

Not that we really have the logistics down anyway. We have the time and the plans, but he never did respond to meeting somewhere since he's not from the same town and it's a bit tricky to find the restaurant and/or the park. I guess we'll just have to talk on the phone or something tomorrow...yeah, that might help!

If anything...I think I'm sad. Sad that I won't be able to say, after 1730 hours that it's been over six months since I've been on a date. And honestly for some remote bizarreness, that does make me sad. Maybe since it's the opposite reason I stayed with the ex-bf for so long...I wanted to see if I could date someone for more than six months when I wasn't either engaged or pregnant.

Now I know that sounds bad. Seriously, it does. Seeing that I've only ever been pregnant once and engaged to one other person besides the man who impregnated me (see I didn't call him the sperm donor!). Because really, those three relationships (counting the ex-bf) have been a total of over 10 years of my dating life. A decade. I'm pretty sure that there was a time in my life where it was longer than six months that I didn't date and yes, that was after I had my first date at almost 16!

Anyway...it's not really time to digress...onward and upward. To new beginnings and to dating (cough, choke, gag...)

Dating Advice

Clearly I'm not one to offer dating advice. Today I read an article on a man's and women's perspective of a good first date. One recommendation was that if you didn't feel the butterfly feeling or excited about going on the date, you should cancel.

If this were true, then maybe I won't ever go on a date again. I tend to have the nervous feeling of meeting someone new or doing something really stupid on a date, but not necessarily do I feel giddy about going on a date.

Monday I'm suppose to go to dinner with a guy that I have been chatting with online and talked to on the phone twice now. He lives about 45 minutes away, so not too far; however, considering I hardly have time to live my own life and do the things I need and want to do, I'm not sure how I'll find to date. If I listened to or observed all the red/orange flags, I wouldn't meet this person. He seems nice enough, he really does. The phone conversations weren't the best I've ever had by any means, but I do look forward to chatting with him. BUT...I think this is to pass time or fill a void. I don't see him as being a potential partner or boyfriend, so does that mean we shouldn't meet at all?

I don't have any problem meeting him. I'm always up for meeting new people; however, I think he's looking for a relationship. Although, he isn't even divorced yet for the second time. And, he has four kids to boot. He does seem nice enough and I've told him that the whole situation freaks me out more than his body type. Although after what seemed like an hour of instant messaging, we couldn't come to a decision on where we would meet. Sigh...another huge red flag for me, wear the pants pal. I even offered to pick the place if he gave me an idea of what type of food he wanted...whatever. Sigh...

I think I've come to realize that physically I should look for three things in a guy: 1) Taller than me, 2) Stronger than me and 3) Weighs more than me. One out of three just isn't going to cut it either. Maybe I'm cynical from my last two relationships which have made me increase my requirements, yeah, that's it! Actually, I'm just tired of dating weak and frail "men" as well as men that can't make a decision.

New Professional Calling

I think I found my new calling. I want to be a dealer. No, not a drug dealer. I want to be a professional card dealer.

I'm sure that I can even manage to memorize what hand beats what too, if it mattered! Saturday I volunteered at the Thunder Run '08 with my two girlfriends. We were working the dealing table, really it was completely under control with just one, but whatever. There was a time or two that the table got busy, but seeing that every rider only had one hand, it wasn't like it was consistent.

If I could make any money at it, I wouldn't mind. I know that I've been to enough black jack tables with people without personalities, so maybe I would have a shot. Maybe not.

It was a thought...in the meantime, I'm still waiting for Mr. Right with the perfect job opportunity to come knocking at my door.

Gym Grumblings

I just got home from the gym. When I arrived at the gym I was greeted by a new sign that proudly displayed their new summer hours. Closing at 10p.m. M-Thursday. SUPER.

I've managed to work out every day since joining the gym, even if not always at the gym. A few nights I've gotten there after 10p.m. as this is when my son has been in bed.

I vow to myself NOT to use this as an excuse not to continue working out, but so much for my initial workout routine plan. Although the thought of getting there around 5a.m. or earlier when they open isn't sounding anymore appealing then plucking out every one of my nose hairs.

On a side note, I think that I can lose serious calories just being at the gym. Literally...the gym doesn't have air conditioning and I seem to manage to perspire profusely just being there.

Today I did some serious arm machines. They were all new to me and seeing that I don't have a clue what their weight plates weigh, I checked the weight first and then went for it. To my amazement this guy with serious upper body strength got on one of the machines after me and left everything the same. Hmmm....was I going a little too extreme or was he just a wimp.

Waiting Game

I'm all for spontaneity, sometimes. I guess when it's my time and my decision, I can do things without planning. On the otherhand, when there is something that is in the works or that I'm relying on information from someone else, the waiting drives me crazy!

To my dismay, last night I heard that my son's baseball game is on for tonight, despite the game being almost 1.5 hours away! I can't believe that we will actually have enough players able to go, when it seems local game participation is difficult enough. Coach left a message that the game was a go and he would be emailing me the location, directions and "other links".

I have yet to receive an email from him! This is utmost frustrating. For one, if the game were on, then I would be taking a completely different route from work. (Remember I'm completely directionally incompetent - so mapping this out is a requirement not a recommendation!) I would also book a hotel since the field is closer to my work than to my home, therefore easier for work in the morning. That would then require making a reservation and packing! If there was a game, I would work later since the game isn't until 6:00p.m. and the drive is closer than going home although unchartered territories.

Of course if there wasn't a game...I wouldn't have to do any of the above. I could plan on leaving work either regular time or stay later. I can decide which workout class I want to attend at the gym and make sure that I make it there on time!

Knowing what the plan is, I can plan for the day. Being completely in the dark, waiting...really sucks! So, I guess that I will pack the overnight bag, including snacks and workout clothes for the hotel and then head to work and wait. I'll wait to hear whether or not there's a game before I book my regular hotel, even though I'm pretty sure I would cancel if necessary before I had to.

Not that I can't stay at the hotel anyway, since my son is with his dad and it would be one less round trip drive home; but, I would prefer to be at home, get out of work earlier, get the travel reimbursement and work out at the gym.

In actuality, if this is the worst thing that happens today, it could just be a good day! I just wish I had more control and that when someone says they will do something, they do it - and in a timely manner!

Grannitis

Today I feel like a granny. And not the young, spunky, fun kind of granny. The elderly, crotchety, nagging, difficult to move kind of granny.

My two days at the gym is definitely wreaking havoc on my body. I feel every muscle, tendon, fiber, pore of my being. My existence is really a mere existence today. Getting up has been one of difficulty - groping for the closest thing to leverage myself upright. Shuffling my feet when I'm slowly moving from room to room. Moving as little as possible.

Oh, I surely hope this isn't what I have to look forward, getting old. I'm not ready to be or act or move like a granny. I hope that my grannitis is only a temporary condition, like a 24 hour bug or a flu.

While I couldn't motivate myself to get to the gym before they closed, I did manage to walk 4.0 miles to the video store to return my movies.

Endorphins

I actually love working out. Maybe not so much while I'm working out, but I really do enjoy it. JA and I went to the gym on Friday night and got on the elliptical. I seriously thought that I was going to keel over and die after two minutes and my mind was racing for gasps of breath and longing for an inhaler I haven't used in almost a decade.

Really, I think it was all mental. It wasn't that my body or I couldn't do it. It was the mental part of the body rejecting what I could do and the desire that maybe I would enjoy it and benefit. Maybe I had to do it to not look like such a wimp for JA. Just using different muscles that I haven't used in a while, takes a bit of getting use to.

After the elliptical, I ventured out to try out some weight machines while JA headed over to her daily standby, the treadmill. I for one can't stand the treadmill. It's too hard on my knee that doesn't have any cartilage as it is after two surgeries. I found a manual rowing machine to be pretty challenging, one I'll definitely use again. Most of the machines seemed geared toward taller people (males) as doing triceps and biceps just didn't work right with my arms, so I left the machines and went to do the free weights instead.

Using a seated squat machine I found it difficult to understand the weight conversion. JA was going to ask questions about other programs and I asked her to inquire about the plate conversion. The guy told her that the weight amounts were on the machine...nice...yeah one, two, three, etc. NOT. I initially thought that they were 10 pounds a piece, but seeing that my legs are pretty strong I knew that it had to be more. The kid came over and then realized what I had wanted to know, which he didn't know how much they weighed either. Apparently, I'm the only one that bothered to ask.

When I got home, I was still gearing to go. I contemplated working out longer at home and did my best to talk myself out of it so that I could actually walk in the morning and want to go back to the gym.

This morning I went to a cardio kick boxing class. Yeah, that kicked my @#$. I managed to take some skin off my right middle knuckle with my punching. I did make it through the entire class, although I would have bet money I wouldn't. The class description said that you would lose 800 calories in an hour, that would be the instructor. He was all intensity. I think I might have lost...80!

After the class I decided to do some leg machines. The first one I went on, I couldn't reach it, so I decided to adjust the foot rollers...only to drop them directly on the ground. At least I found it funny! Then I hoarded the cleaner since I thought I was the only one using it. Of course once I took it, two others wanted it. So in a nice flirty way, the guy that borrowed it brought it back and sprayed me. Nice...

My body is sore, but nothing too terrible. I could feel it in my arms, from all the boxing, while I was driving. I love the endorphins from working out. I hope that I continue to have energy, drive, desire and time to keep going consistently!

Dementia

I decided I wanted to know the difference between dementia and Alzheimer's. With the Internet galaxy as a world of vast knowledge and resource, I figured it would be right at my fingertips. I wasn't so fortunate. Surprisingly enough, for me, was that clicking on links to dementia routed me to Alzheimer's not noting anything about dementia. Further searching I learned of a variety of dementia's caused by various mental illnesses and other issues and that Alzheimer's is actually the most well known form of dementia. I think in the recesses of my mind, I knew this; however, I became confused when my step-mom mentioned that she was going to have my father tested for dementia. There was also discussion of Alzheimer's but my recollection was that she felt that my father didn't have Alzheimer's.

Unfortunately, my dad isn't aging well. He has a multitude of chronic illnesses likely congruent with depression. He suffered a stroke a while back and attributes his memory loss to the stroke. It may be.

I don't see my dad often enough as he lives in Florida. I do try to call him and talk to him, but not near enough as I suppose I should. He openly acknowledges difficulty to recall conversations and even jokes about whether or not I want to tell him anything else that he will forget. He struggles with remembering the names of his grandchildren. He has struggled with my name. I'm OK with that. Sometimes, it's just a way of life.

I don't dwell on what was or what isn't. When I call, I identify myself and with the help of caller id, he knows who I am. I name people during the conversations, especially my son to remind him. Sometimes I just have to laugh...because otherwise I may cry.

When I saw my dad the other night, for the first time in about a year....I went up to him and said, "Hi Dad, It's..." He acknowledged me and said, "Where's your husband?"

Ummmm.....yeah. Without missing a beat, "I said, oh you mean X, my brother? He's right over there!" I found it funny. My sister-in-law then told this to my step-mom who later mentioned it to me along with his need to have him tested for dementia.

Why bother I ask? Seriously, he's already on a slew of medications and many that he can't afford. Medical bills up the wazoo. Why bother to have more tests done to tell you what you already know? Yes, we can all admit that he doesn't remember things. His long term memory at times is better than his short-term memory, at times. He can't recall names.

Seriously...he remembered that I was married...something I try hard to forget!

Solace

I've been completely alone for over an hour now. Pure unadulterated silence. Another thing that I so often take for granted.

I really do like my family...but several days in a row of entertaining is rather exhausting. Outside of my quick hotel stay on Sunday, it's been a full week of family.

To be honest though, I spent the first 1/2 hour in a daze since it was so quiet and I didn't know what to do. There were things I thought of doing - but the immediate things of picking up, vacuuming, etc. I did while my mom was still here. Everything else...putting away dishes, laundry, changing sheets - it can all wait - maybe until the family visits again next year!

Exhaustion and the Ex-BF

Tonight I'm just downright exhausted. I have absolutely no reason why. I'm not getting sick. I haven't partied like a rock star. I haven't pulled all nighters. I have no reason to be so tired.

The Ex-BF "surprised" my son and I tonight and showed up at his game. He asked if I was "surprised". I can't say that I was. I didn't really feel anything. He had left a message on my home phone today saying that he had planned on coming to the game but wasn't going to be able to because his car was still in the shop. And when I pulled into the parking lot, there was his car. Sigh...should I have felt something?

After the game was over, we walked to the parking lot together. He asked if I wanted to grab a bite to eat. I don't even know what incoherent muttering I made, kind of like an "um, ah", whatever that means. I couldn't muster up the energy - I just wanted to collapse right there on the hard concrete and go to sleep. I think I seriously could have. He seemed to understand my muttering and said, "OK. Don't be a stranger." We hugged, said a few more things and off we went in our own direction.

I wondered if I should have felt guilty. Guilty for not being more excited or "surprised" that he drove an hour to come and see the game and likely me. He knew I didn't have my son tonight, so he was probably hoping to hangout, but he never bothered to call and ask - like I would think a friend would. I clearly wouldn't drive that far and just expect someone to drop what they were doing or not doing for me. I would have made sure to call in advance if I had hoped for something more than just watching a game. I don't feel guilty.

Maybe I truly have moved on.