Anniversary

In a couple days, it will have been my eight year anniversary. Wedding anniversary.

How long ago that seems. A lifetime ago. How young and naive. How much I feel that I've changed, matured, grown and learned. Yet sometimes, just as equally naive.

Maybe it's the hardened, calloused core that develops when we learn that we've been wronged. When we have been lied to, deceived, disrespected, disappointed. Learning to love again and accept, life's greatest challenge.

To move on knowing that everyone is different. Every relationship is different. I AM different.

By sheer happenstance, we were married on Sweetest Day. It happened to be an available weekend at both the church and the reception hall. It honestly wasn't until months after the date had been picked that I learned of the Hallmark coincidence. Like my parents, they were married on Valentine's Day. After their divorce I always wondered, silently, how subsequent Valentine's were shared with other partners. Did they remember? Did they wonder? Did they wish? Always knowing and hoping that the new partner was a better situation, but where did their thoughts take them on that day?

The other day I had a dream about my ex-husband. I was running, hiding and attacking. I was fighting back. I was restraining from the guilt and fear that my attacks may kill him before he killed me, although he wasn't affected by my defenses. I've never had such a vivid, morbid dream. I woke (neither of us were killed by each other or anyone else).

Maybe subconsciously the anniversary is bringing him back into my mind. Memories and threats of the evolved relationship. Threats of my safety and of my sanity. Threats that I was changed. That I may never be the same trusting person I once was. That I may never be in a healthy relationship or desire the mere thought of marriage. That no longer will love be enough in any future relationship, ever.

Memories, unfortunately they aren't always good. It's learning life lessons and becoming a better person from the experiences we live. And it's hoping that one day, we may not be permanently scarred on specific days, Hallmark Holidays or otherwise, from things gone wrong.

It's about learning and letting go.