Only Child

I am not an only child. I have an older brother, of 3.5 years. I would say growing up, we had our times - both good and bad. There were times when we got along and times of course when we didn't. We shared many a laugh as well as many a tear. We forever will be siblings.

There are things from my childhood that I don't recall. I will never claim to remember everything, not all the good and not all the bad. I remember being active as a child and yet somewhat of a loner. I had a close school friend that I would either spend my days at her house or she at mine. I had other friends too, but she and I spent the most time together. When we weren't inside, we were outside catching sunfish, climbing trees, building, hiking, biking, sledding...making childhood memories.

In the evenings, I don't recall spending a lot of time together as a "family" per se. We always ate dinner together. My brother and I had numerous chores - from cleaning bedrooms, to bathrooms to vacuuming and dusting and then there were the dinner chores. Set up, clean up, prepare...there were always chores, way back as early as I can remember. We did get an allowance for those chores too, but nothing that ever seemed like much in comparison for our efforts or to our friends. We would watch t.v. together and twice a year, we vacationed together, twice a year.

Other than that, I don't remember spending a lot of time doing things with my parents. I remember that my dad was a good father and I hoped to one day meet someone that was equivalent to him as a father and a dad. I suppose I idolized him in so many ways, a pedestal that has been shattered by illness and distance. My mother was a wonderful mom, the mom everyone loved and wished they had but I didn't appreciate until I became a mother.

Maybe in retrospect things are much different looking back on a childhood and youth of so long ago. My son is an only child, in our home. He doesn't have that built in playmate, confident, friend, enemy. He has himself. He has me. At his dad's home he has a half-brother, six years younger whom is also more annoying than anything else.

Tonight is another one of those nights where I struggle with the fact that he is an only child. With each day, it becomes increasingly harder, our relationship, on me. He wants my constant attention. My constant entertainment. He is disappointed when he doesn't receive it. He sulks. He pouts. I try not to be guilted, but as a mother, it's hard, so very hard.

I want what is best for him. I truly do. I want him to have friends. I want him to have independence. I want him to have a doting, loving mother.

I want to be more than just a mother. I need to have my time and my space too. I have responsibilities that I have to tend to as a person, a mother, a home owner and I need to do this when he isn't just away at his dad's. Tonight I gave him another "talk" about how life was like when I was his age. My parents didn't entertain me. I had to entertain myself, or do homework, or clean my room, or read or, or, or...

I felt bad saying it, but it's true. It was one of those moments where you don't want to ever sound like your parents, and yet inevitably, you do. It's in the rare moments like these that I wish for him, that he had a sibling.

Biggest Loser Week #3

I realized that I have been abstaining from blogging. Therefore in doing so, I've managed to fail to report the latest stats from Monday's Biggest Loser weigh in. Maybe I'm hoping, psychologically that by abstaining from blogging and other things, thus I shall lose weight. One can hope, right?

Monday morning found me, well (that was a long time ago already) doing fairly well. I had a good weekend. I managed to workout several times and stayed pretty active. So I wasn't fretting the scale Monday morning, although the thought of weight loss wasn't looming either.

I am learning to dress more appropriately, even accumulating a comment of nice outfit (from the snitch of previous weeks). Regardless, the clothing coverage does little for my numbers on the scale.

Yes, it is true, I have managed yet again to gain weight. Rack another .6 pounds to the sum total of weight loss, er weight gain. Sigh...doesn't the biggest loser have to lose weight to win?

I could be the biggest finder of weight - I'm finding it on my behind, stomach, arms, abs....

Unemployment

Unemployment is clearly on the rise. At every turn, steadily employed individuals are finding themselves unemployed. Businesses are going out of business. Malls are becoming barren as stores are closing. Jobs are being lost everywhere.

Friends and family, neighbors and strangers are unemployed. Unemployment is not bias or racist. It affects everyone. People are facing bankruptcy and foreclosures more than ever. Desperate and destitute are turning toward drastic measures, some so far as suicide and homicide. It's grave. It's bleak. Times appear hopeless for many, quickly becoming the majority.

Promises of the new Obama Presidency insists on "Change", like most if not all, we hope it won't be too late.

I'm thankful for my job. I'm thankful for my family. I'm thankful for my stability. I too wonder "when". When is it my turn? When will it happen to me? Will I be fortunate enough?

As I walked into work this morning I walked by a man standing alone on the sidewalk waiting for the public transit. I smiled and said hello. He likewise did the same. Then he said, "Wow, I miss having a job to go to work."

I was speechless. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to respond.

I didn't. I lowered my head, looked at my boots as they crunched in the snow and continued walking onward to the door of my employer. And at that very moment, I said a silent prayer of thanks, thanks because for another day, I can be thankful for what I have, employment.

One of Those...

I'm not really sure what to call it. It's not really one of those days or afternoons or evenings. It's an all encompassing, one of my many issues days. It actually didn't start until this afternoon.

I renewed a travel program that I am a member, Bluegreen Traveler Plus. I actually have to say that I like the program and for the $39 fee, I get more than my share of return. Renewing today, I began looking through my 50 annual discounts, many which can be found elsewhere, but not always. Like the two week free membership to my gym - you walk in, you get it too. Anyway, I found a two for one discount to a ski and tubing park about an hour away. Seemed like a great deal. I called JA to see if she and her son wanted to go on Saturday, and she said yes. Then, I realized that I could only use the coupon, once, for two people. Sigh.

Since it's been in the high 20's without snow, I haven't had to clear the driveway as of late. It started snowing yesterday and we are anticipating snow throughout the weekend. I knew I was low on gas for the snow blower so I thought I would drive by the house to pick up the can to get more. Fortunately, my son told me there was still gas in the can as well as gas in another gas can. Bonus!

I went to the grocery store after filling my car with gas. I ran around and picked up a basket full of groceries and even had a competent and quick cashier that her line was empty. Bonus! I'll even forgive that she over packed half the bags and they split.

After packing the car with groceries and dinner (and in an obvious rush to get home and eat and then get to my son's basketball practice) I closed the trunk. Or should I say, I attempted to close the trunk. The latch remained in the locked position, again. Rummaging through the overnight bag, two sets of snow shoes and poles, six bags of groceries, bowling ball bag, I couldn't find the screw driver (aka lock dislodger). Figures.

So I used the next best thing, my key. That of course didn't work, my fingers were going numb, I had wasted 15 minutes and I now was rummaging through my roadside assistance kit for anything to dislodge the lock. I finally dislodged it, closed the trunk with the trunk light off and then got in to start the car. Damn.

I managed to bend the key so that it wouldn't turn on the ignition. Sigh. Nothing like being in a hurry. I bent the key and tried again. Nothing. I bent the key yet a third time and finally the car started.

In two tries, I managed to make it up the driveway. While attempting the driveway I received a call from the basketball coach that he unfortunately had to cancel practice. Darn. Life is good again. Or not.

After dinner, I dress warmly and head out to blow out the driveway. I fill the snow blower and empty out the oil/gas mixture. I plan to mix the other gas later, much later. At the end of the driveway trying to get my snow thrower through the heavy wet snow plowed in mess, the blower dies. No problem. I pull on the cord and what happens? The handle remains in my hand and the cord, disappears inside the snow blower! SERIOUSLY.

I'm not about to throw in the towel, yet. I decide instead of reverting to testy snow blower #2, I will get out the extension cord and try the electric start. It fires up and I'm able to clear the rest of the driveway, without ISSUE.

It's only 7:10p.m. What's next?

Control

I tend to be a strong willed, opinionated, over bearing, controlling person. In my defense, I would like to say that they aren't all by choice. Sometimes it's my desire to see things to fruition or completion that force me to take charge and control. Maybe it's my desire to reach perfection or at least not disappointment. Maybe it is my underlying obsessive compulsive issues. Maybe it's not.

I am pretty sure however, that I need to do some serious self-evaluation and reflection though to determine what it is that I keep finding myself in the same role, time and time again.

I suppose I might have the personality for management or supervision; however, never in the darkest recesses of my soul do I desire such position, ever. In my relationships, I want to be the one to be catered too. To be wined and dined. But, I fear that if I were ever to find myself in a relationship where money and control were not an issue, I wouldn't know what to do.

Would I be able to accept someone else's control? To accept their ideas and their money? To not feel that I would be indebted due to someone else's generosity or being?

In the recesses of my mind, I go back to my childhood male friends and their snides and sneerings of newly dating experiences. The comments of pimply, adolescent boys and their anguish of hitting foul balls and strike outs when they felt that a mere second base would have been less deserving and justified for what they felt they were owed. And for those conversations that these tomboy ears overheard, they are comments that stay with me today. It's not a matter of chivalry or independence, it's a matter deep within that no man will ever be able to say that I owe them or that they deserve anything because of a dinner, an evening or an outing that they provided.

Maybe to avoid all of that all together, I tend to find myself drawn to the financially stringent, cheap, dutch dating relationships and then wake up to find myself unsatisfied and bored or find myself footing the bill to have the experiences that I want and can enjoy.

How does one break the cycle without taking advantage of someone else and what they have to offer but no longer being taken advantage of either?