I just realized that one of the major reasons I stopped blogging was that I accepted placement of a teen foster child. And until now, I have never blogged about the experience. I truly believe that a piece of my heart and soul left when K left. Similar to the overnight experience where I took two young children home from my office at 10:15p.m. because we couldn't find homes and the children were trashing our office and we all needed sleep, I thought I could help. Temporarily.
Due to confidentiality, ailing memory and time passed, the memories and experiences with K are already diminishing. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him and hope the best for him. I hope that I impacted his life in a positive way and yet my greatest fear is that I caused more harm than good.
You see, I am a licensed foster parent who is only interested in providing short term, emergency or respite care. I want to be able to aid other foster families in a time of need. I want to be able to help workers when placements can't be secured immediately. However, selfishly, I want to enjoy being a "part-time" parent. I have joint custody of my son, which means that a little less than half the time, he is with his father. Therefore, I am a single. No longer just a "single parent". During my childless days I often work late hours or spend time with MS. I don't parent my child full-time and I clearly don't have the desire to parent someone else's child full-time. I say this honestly and truthfully. I know what my limitations are. I also know that deep down, when push comes to shove, I will put my own needs, wants and desires to the side for others.
And one day in early March, after facilitating a meeting, I decided that I could assist a youth for a couple of days until a foster home could be secured. Returning home wasn't an option and he didn't need/deserve to stay where he was. I thought...three days. Three days. I can do this.
Unfortunately the potential placements for K didn't work out. I'm not really sure how in my decade and a half of children's services work I had convinced myself that finding a home for an African American, special needs teenage boy with pending charges would be easy and achieved in three days! Naive. As K attended school near my house, I thought that a few days was doable that he could go to school and all would be well. After three days, there were still no local options for placement. Due to K's needs, he would be bussed to the school anywhere in the county, but finding a home in the county was no longer obtainable. A family stepped forward to accept placement of K, having known him from school. The family was eager to become licensed to accept placement. Three months. Three months. I can do this.
Meanwhile, I focused on the light at the end of the tunnel. I tried to work diligently with the other family and wanted them to get to know K so the transition would go well. The family didn't seem too interested. They had a few visits that had gone well. I continued to have my moments with K. Due to speech and language issues, K could be very loud. This was extremely difficult for T and I asked for replacement. I battled with doing so and finally had a talk with K about his behaviors and how screaming would not be allowed. If he screamed, he would have to pay me .25 every time. Surprisingly, motivated by money, this worked most of the time. That is until K would scream that I was "stealing his money", despite the fact that I only touched his money when he asked me to help count it, or to put it away.
I always reiterated with K that my home was a temporary home. Kids only come to stay for a very short while. Never once did I imply to K that he could stay with me. K also had visits with his family which were very inconsistent. This caused me more issue than K with scheduling, transportation and my work. K definitely seemed to be bonding to me. In many ways he was like a young child struggling with separation from me. He always wanted me to do things with him. No one else could do it like me, even though others could do things better - like throw a football! He no longer had interest in video games and constantly wanted my attention. I was emotionally drained. MS still lived an hour away at the time, so I was constantly on the "go" mode. I didn't have my own downtime. I was parenting full time. We had mastered how to make counseling a little more effective with me being an active participant as the foster parent, interpreter and at times it felt like the therapist. I can't honestly say that counseling was beneficial though.
MS was as supportive as possible. Having K had it's good moments too! He definitely made us laugh. From his constant, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?" to his anger outbursts and threats of "I'M GONNA THROW FIT!!!" I knew what K was capable of, but I also knew that he would never hurt me. He had never personally threatened me. He had threatened to break things in the home or punch holes in the wall, but the concrete walls were too much of a match for him! My house and my heart appeared a perfect match for him!
Finally the family was ready for K. Unfortunately, K wasn't ready for them. Ultimately, the placement failed. Despite my attempts to be a support for the family and to aid in the transition, there was nothing that could be done to salvage the placement. K needed an emergency placement. K wanted to be in my home. I felt the guilt. I agreed to one night but knew that a subsequent home for K would not be likely. His threats of harming police and professionals would not be welcome. School was drawing to an end. I had not planned on K being with me for the summer. What was I to do with an almost 14 year old special needs child while I worked full-time. K wanted to stay home. I told him that if he were going to stay at my house for any length of time, he would have to go to summer day camp while I worked. He agreed. For the two days before summer camp began.
I couldn't emotionally handle daily and nightly struggles with K about him dictating what he would or wouldn't do. I asked for him to be moved. It had already been determined that his being in my home was a bad thing. Bad because as I was told, "Whatever you did. However you did it. You succeeded. K bonded to you." And therefore, any potential placement would be sabotaged by K so that he would return to my house. Unfortunately, K will not graduate from high school. He will need some care for the rest of his life. I cannot commit to K. I can commit to love him and be a support or a respite for him, but not his caregiver. Not his parent. Ultimately, the placement disrupted. K then blew through several other possible placements within hours and ended up full circle back to where he started when I agreed to take him for three days.
They won't let me see him. They won't let him call me. I am following the rules. Part of my heart is broken. As I type this I have difficulty seeing through the tears. I loved K. I love K. But I know that I can't be K's mom. As much as K wants this. I battled back and forth. If MS could help me out now living closer and our teen boys could help and...and then I realize that they didn't sign up for this. I did. And as much as I want the best for K, I know that K is not the best for me and T.
I did receive a letter, a month after K wrote it. I cried. He apologized and wants to come back here to live. I have no doubt about that. But I can't give K what he needs long term. I am so thankful for the opportunity to have K in my life. It has been 2.5 months since K left. I still miss him, but every day is a little less. There are constant reminders of him. I feel the void. I wonder if he is capable of feeling it too.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Reunion Regret?
After returning home from Aruba, I had a completely full week at work. I had several late home visits planned and had to make up for being gone on vacation as well as my upcoming vacation the following week to South Dakota.
I think I worked somewhere around 55 hours that week in addition to bringing home two foster children for a night. My 20 year class reunion was the weekend between both vacations and I really struggled with whether to drive the 2.5 hours across state for the event. Even the morning of, I was still struggling. I had yet to grocery shop for food and snacks for the cross country trip or pack my suitcase and the car. In addition, MS was working the weekend and he wouldn't be able to come. Granted, I never asked him to come. Honestly, I think if I had asked him, he would have gone with me and we would have driven back the same night or early the next morning before he had to work. I wasn't sure that I wanted to bring MS if I went. For my 10 year reunion, my then husband and I attended. I just felt without a commitment of engagement, I didn't want to bring "a date" to the reunion. Then I feared how MS would be affected by that, especially since I believe his ex-wife had an affair with an old classmate.
Honestly, I was just too exhausted to deal with it all. I didn't want to cause any friction or concerns between MS and I before leaving for 1.5 weeks on vacation without him. If the drive had been less, or the reunion wasn't smack dab in the middle of two vacations, I would have gone. I have no regrets for not going. From the pictures, there were a few people I would have liked to see, but nothing I will lose sleep over! So instead, I spent the weekend, catching up on things around the house, packing and spending what time I could with MS when he wasn't working.
I think I worked somewhere around 55 hours that week in addition to bringing home two foster children for a night. My 20 year class reunion was the weekend between both vacations and I really struggled with whether to drive the 2.5 hours across state for the event. Even the morning of, I was still struggling. I had yet to grocery shop for food and snacks for the cross country trip or pack my suitcase and the car. In addition, MS was working the weekend and he wouldn't be able to come. Granted, I never asked him to come. Honestly, I think if I had asked him, he would have gone with me and we would have driven back the same night or early the next morning before he had to work. I wasn't sure that I wanted to bring MS if I went. For my 10 year reunion, my then husband and I attended. I just felt without a commitment of engagement, I didn't want to bring "a date" to the reunion. Then I feared how MS would be affected by that, especially since I believe his ex-wife had an affair with an old classmate.
Honestly, I was just too exhausted to deal with it all. I didn't want to cause any friction or concerns between MS and I before leaving for 1.5 weeks on vacation without him. If the drive had been less, or the reunion wasn't smack dab in the middle of two vacations, I would have gone. I have no regrets for not going. From the pictures, there were a few people I would have liked to see, but nothing I will lose sleep over! So instead, I spent the weekend, catching up on things around the house, packing and spending what time I could with MS when he wasn't working.
Finally My Aruban Vacation
Last year when MS and I went to Mexico, we each received a $400 airfare voucher to use on another flight. We had to book something by early August. With the craziness of MS' move and summer, time was dwindling fast for booking something. Needless to say, I tend to be more of a last minute vacationer anyway! MS had two weeks off of work, but only one of the weeks was T going to be with his dad. T was also finally completing his driver's training, so I wasn't able to leave any sooner.
Many years ago, I set a personal weight loss goal. If I reached my goal, my reward was to go to Aruba. I never did reach that goal. I came within five pounds and I can honestly say I am over 30 pounds from it now. But the desire to travel to Aruba has always remained. It helps that I have access to a timeshare there as well! I had some timeshare availability and surprisingly Aruba had condos available; however, by the time MS agreed and I picked up his passport and airline voucher to book, the condo was gone! I was devastated. I figured it must have been meant to be, some bigger reason which made the vacation impossible.
I searched other vacations, even considering a cruise again! The next day, another condo was available and I booked it! With our airfare vouchers we only paid $200 each for the flight. I had been anticipating that our vacation would be a deal breaker in the relationship. Either we would stay together or we wouldn't. Of course there was my guilt and I finally resolved to let the relationship stress go and enjoy the moments. No pressure.
While our vacation was definitely less expensive than an all-inclusive, MS and I do better when there are less choices and decisions to make. I feel like we often do not make choices as we can't decide. MS did book an ABC Jeep Tour all day excursion around Aruba which we enjoyed. We didn't bother to rent a car and used the bus to get both up and downtown. Neither of us found anything worth purchasing - other than some alcohol to make drinks in the condo!
On our final day, we went parasailing. One of the things on my imaginary bucket list! Due to our combined weight, we were unable to fly tandem. I went first. I went last. While I didn't know better, I guess it is uncommon to have the parasail suddenly jerk to and fro. I tried to take deep breaths and will any potential motion sickness away. I enjoyed the sailing and overlooking the various depths of the water below. Unfortunately, my ride was cut very short due to the weather. MS told me that they were unable to manage the boat safely with the rough waters and the wind. We received a full refund and I can cross it off my list!
As for MS and I, I didn't have any fears that there would be a proposal this vacation. Our relationship just seems to have simmered. Obviously he could have completely blindsided me and I can admit I wondered how I would respond and how it would have affected the rest of the vacation. MS did in his casual, flat affect way say to me a few days in, "Just because I wanted to say thank you for all of your help with my move and the house, here's a little something." He handed me a large jewelry box. He had purchased a beautiful necklace for me.
I have to say that overall, I wasn't impressed with Aruba. Having been to Grenada, Trinidad, Mexico, Hawaii and the Bahamas, I wouldn't return back to Aruba. There was nothing that I found memorable or worthy of a second vacation. So another destination crossed off my list...where to next? Mount Rushmore!!!!
Many years ago, I set a personal weight loss goal. If I reached my goal, my reward was to go to Aruba. I never did reach that goal. I came within five pounds and I can honestly say I am over 30 pounds from it now. But the desire to travel to Aruba has always remained. It helps that I have access to a timeshare there as well! I had some timeshare availability and surprisingly Aruba had condos available; however, by the time MS agreed and I picked up his passport and airline voucher to book, the condo was gone! I was devastated. I figured it must have been meant to be, some bigger reason which made the vacation impossible.
I searched other vacations, even considering a cruise again! The next day, another condo was available and I booked it! With our airfare vouchers we only paid $200 each for the flight. I had been anticipating that our vacation would be a deal breaker in the relationship. Either we would stay together or we wouldn't. Of course there was my guilt and I finally resolved to let the relationship stress go and enjoy the moments. No pressure.
While our vacation was definitely less expensive than an all-inclusive, MS and I do better when there are less choices and decisions to make. I feel like we often do not make choices as we can't decide. MS did book an ABC Jeep Tour all day excursion around Aruba which we enjoyed. We didn't bother to rent a car and used the bus to get both up and downtown. Neither of us found anything worth purchasing - other than some alcohol to make drinks in the condo!
On our final day, we went parasailing. One of the things on my imaginary bucket list! Due to our combined weight, we were unable to fly tandem. I went first. I went last. While I didn't know better, I guess it is uncommon to have the parasail suddenly jerk to and fro. I tried to take deep breaths and will any potential motion sickness away. I enjoyed the sailing and overlooking the various depths of the water below. Unfortunately, my ride was cut very short due to the weather. MS told me that they were unable to manage the boat safely with the rough waters and the wind. We received a full refund and I can cross it off my list!
As for MS and I, I didn't have any fears that there would be a proposal this vacation. Our relationship just seems to have simmered. Obviously he could have completely blindsided me and I can admit I wondered how I would respond and how it would have affected the rest of the vacation. MS did in his casual, flat affect way say to me a few days in, "Just because I wanted to say thank you for all of your help with my move and the house, here's a little something." He handed me a large jewelry box. He had purchased a beautiful necklace for me.
I have to say that overall, I wasn't impressed with Aruba. Having been to Grenada, Trinidad, Mexico, Hawaii and the Bahamas, I wouldn't return back to Aruba. There was nothing that I found memorable or worthy of a second vacation. So another destination crossed off my list...where to next? Mount Rushmore!!!!
Dating Drivel
MS and I are still dating. When I last blogged, I was struggling with the feelings of the possibility of MS moving closer. I have to admit, that those feelings still exist, although they have transformed slightly. MS did list his house and sold it within a month. As he was pressed with a move out date, he quickly began searching for houses in the town I live in. He made an offer on a house, which was countered. During the countering process, he found another house which he liked better that he made an offer, which after some countering the deal was done.
MS and his son moved into their new house in mid-June. The house is literally 0.4 miles from my front door to his front door. I wasn't sure how I felt about him moving closer. For the most part, the most prevalent feelings were the possible ones of guilt. The premonition of feelings I would have if the relationship didn't work and this man and his teenage son found themselves residing in a town where they didn't want to live. MS and I had talked about this several times. He assured me that his moving wasn't just to be closer to me. While obviously that was a bonus, he wanted to move to be free of an over sized house and payment as well as give his son a fresh start.
There is definitely something to be said about long distance and local distance relationships. I can't say that I have ever really had a successful local relationship, although the inherit desire for convenience has been prevalent. With the distance relationship, I made plans to spend child free weekends and nights with him. We spent long periods of time together, sometimes it felt as if it were too much, but the hour commute home wasn't worth it. MS and I seldom disagree. Granted, there were times I would get frustrated, but with the distance, I never just got in the car to come home and not work something out. Now, I feel like the convenience and the "out" is ever available. With the local distance, MS will text and ask to stop by on his way home from work. I feel lost as to what we should do. Sometimes it is just awkward. Do I feed him? Do I entertain? Do we have to do something? Is he a guest? We no longer have that "plan" of our time together. With the local distance we also do not spend the night together. I think we have spent the night twice in two months, with the exception of our vacation.
I feel as if our relationship has turned into a friendship. We stop by and say HI. We may grab or make dinner together and then we part. The four of us will do things together, like bowling or golfing. Yes, I said golfing.
I am just not sure where we go from here. My good friend D said to me, "Where do you want it to go? Is there someone else? Do you think he's cheating on you? You know you don't want to get married." I am not interested in anyone else and I don't have any concerns that he is either. Do I ever think I want to or will get married? At this point, the answer is NO. So does that mean we stay stagnant?
Somehow, I think that local distance relationships are more work. You can no longer assume a relationship or plans. The bottomline is communication is imperative. If your relationship is important to you, make it a priority. And with that, tonight MS spent time together. More than just sitting on the couch or holding hands. More than just talking about our day. More than being just friends.
MS and his son moved into their new house in mid-June. The house is literally 0.4 miles from my front door to his front door. I wasn't sure how I felt about him moving closer. For the most part, the most prevalent feelings were the possible ones of guilt. The premonition of feelings I would have if the relationship didn't work and this man and his teenage son found themselves residing in a town where they didn't want to live. MS and I had talked about this several times. He assured me that his moving wasn't just to be closer to me. While obviously that was a bonus, he wanted to move to be free of an over sized house and payment as well as give his son a fresh start.
There is definitely something to be said about long distance and local distance relationships. I can't say that I have ever really had a successful local relationship, although the inherit desire for convenience has been prevalent. With the distance relationship, I made plans to spend child free weekends and nights with him. We spent long periods of time together, sometimes it felt as if it were too much, but the hour commute home wasn't worth it. MS and I seldom disagree. Granted, there were times I would get frustrated, but with the distance, I never just got in the car to come home and not work something out. Now, I feel like the convenience and the "out" is ever available. With the local distance, MS will text and ask to stop by on his way home from work. I feel lost as to what we should do. Sometimes it is just awkward. Do I feed him? Do I entertain? Do we have to do something? Is he a guest? We no longer have that "plan" of our time together. With the local distance we also do not spend the night together. I think we have spent the night twice in two months, with the exception of our vacation.
I feel as if our relationship has turned into a friendship. We stop by and say HI. We may grab or make dinner together and then we part. The four of us will do things together, like bowling or golfing. Yes, I said golfing.
I am just not sure where we go from here. My good friend D said to me, "Where do you want it to go? Is there someone else? Do you think he's cheating on you? You know you don't want to get married." I am not interested in anyone else and I don't have any concerns that he is either. Do I ever think I want to or will get married? At this point, the answer is NO. So does that mean we stay stagnant?
Somehow, I think that local distance relationships are more work. You can no longer assume a relationship or plans. The bottomline is communication is imperative. If your relationship is important to you, make it a priority. And with that, tonight MS spent time together. More than just sitting on the couch or holding hands. More than just talking about our day. More than being just friends.
Blogging Revisited
I can honestly admit that there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about blogging. I think what I miss the most, is the fact that without blogging, I can't go back and read past posts. I can't go back to a certain time and reflect on what I may have been feeling or thinking or experiencing. In many ways, this blog has been my memory, my calendar if you will. When I need to think back to a time or event, I know in my mind that I can search for something on my blog and it is a perfect reference.
Unfortunately, this year will forever be a blur. I won't have this blog as a reference point to fill in the gaps, since I didn't take the time to actually type anything. As I quickly approach the big 4-0, I find that my memory isn't what I used to think it was. I would love to say that it isn't what I remember it being, but even now I wonder what I remember!
I don't blog for anyone else. I used to have a few friends that would read my blog to catch up on my latest issues. I think for the most part they have all given up even checking anymore. I did receive a text out of the blue tonight from RUR saying that he can no longer "stalk" me via my blog and wondered how I have been. So maybe with his contact and my inability to sleep, I thought I would blog.
Unfortunately, this year will forever be a blur. I won't have this blog as a reference point to fill in the gaps, since I didn't take the time to actually type anything. As I quickly approach the big 4-0, I find that my memory isn't what I used to think it was. I would love to say that it isn't what I remember it being, but even now I wonder what I remember!
I don't blog for anyone else. I used to have a few friends that would read my blog to catch up on my latest issues. I think for the most part they have all given up even checking anymore. I did receive a text out of the blue tonight from RUR saying that he can no longer "stalk" me via my blog and wondered how I have been. So maybe with his contact and my inability to sleep, I thought I would blog.
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