Last week was my father's birthday. He turned SIXTY-FIVE. SIXTY. FIVE.
I have to admit that as of November 1, 2010, I would have bet money on the fact that he would turn 65. I would have bet money on the fact that he wouldn't live 65 days. Obviously, I was wrong. I am OK with being wrong, really I am. I am just not sure if being wrong in this case is...right.
I called my father on his birthday and left him a message. I purposely didn't wish him the usual "Happy Birthday" or "Hope you have a Happy Birthday". I am not one to lie, not very well at least and never intentionally. Happy is relative, and not in the related way as in wishing my father Happy any day. It just isn't possible. I can wish him a day better than the one before. I can wish him happiness, but I know that he has far outgrown and surpassed the ability to BE HAPPY.
He called me back. Our phone call was breathy and shallow. He gasped for breath. He grasped for words. He was failing at both. He was discharged from the hospital after SEVEN weeks. After TEN days home, he was taken back to the ER. According to my brother, he was given three options: 1) Go home and get strong for the LVAD (Seriously?), 2) Go home with Hospice & no Primacor IV (die in two weeks) or 3) Be admitted to the hospital with IV and die in August. Seems like a wide array of options, which is really feasible and realistic? I have no idea. The Social Worker never found the time or reason to return my calls.
My father is home. What does that mean? I have no idea. Each day is becoming more difficult. The Primacor is no longer as effective. The end is near. How near?
I wonder how I will feel when his end is here. I wonder how long it will be before I am notified. I wonder how I will be affected. The reality, I try not to wonder. When reality happens, I will no longer wonder. I will know.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Mother's Day
My parents are snowbirds. They just returned from Florida last week and I had the opportunity to spend Mother's Day with my mom - even if only for just over a day! Anytime with my mom is wonderful, even if her repeated badgering and obsessing over a marinade for the meat on the kabobs was getting on my only nerve!
Unfortunately mom and I didn't get any pictures. T and I had a few photos and I have to say I wasn't a fan of any of the results. But I will keep them anyway as they are worth the memory in reviewing in retrospect. I have just become more than disappointed in myself and my lack of motivation in my appearance. I am hoping that the warmer weather will increase my desire to be more physically active and lose weight.
T, mom and I had fun making a variety of kabobs for dinner including vegetables, fruit, steak and chicken. They were super delicious and the company was fantastic!
Hope you had a fabulous Mother's Day and were able to share the day with loved ones!
Unfortunately mom and I didn't get any pictures. T and I had a few photos and I have to say I wasn't a fan of any of the results. But I will keep them anyway as they are worth the memory in reviewing in retrospect. I have just become more than disappointed in myself and my lack of motivation in my appearance. I am hoping that the warmer weather will increase my desire to be more physically active and lose weight.
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| Mom's Gift |
Meeting Anniversary
Tomorrow, May 12, 2011, will be the one year anniversary of meeting MS. We had chatted a few times online and on the phone before we met in person. We met at a Chinese restaurant where we talked for hours.
I wasn't immediately attracted to him. The idea of him being a full time parent to his son who had no relationship with his mother was daunting. We met again a few days later for our second date. The date went well, but again, I couldn't escape the fear of a full time parent. I didn't feel comfortable having him choose between time with me and time with his son. He assured me that he had a right to date and if it wasn't me, it would be someone. After our second date, I just couldn't do it. We didn't see each other again.
Until...October 2010. We have been dating since. I wish I could say that today I am more comfortable with him being a full time parent. I am not. Let me clarify. It isn't that I have an issue with him being a full time parent, I have the issue that he is an absent full time parent. His relationship with his 14 year old son is more representative of a roommate or friend than a parent or authority figure. Most weekends when MS works, his son would be at home, although more frequently he is gone staying with friends. Weekends when MS is home, his son is gone the entire weekend at friends. His son does seem to look forward to opportunities of visiting me and my son to go bowling or play board games. Quite a surprise for me!
Since October, his son has been suspended from school and broke his collar bone. He recently was involved in a skate board incident where we spent three hours in the medical center and required follow up orthodontist appointment for loose and misaligned teeth and a CT scan for concern of a brain bleed as he had visual head ticks. The police have been involved on at least two occasions as his son wasn't where he was suppose to be. Mother's Day was the most recent involvement. He hadn't been home since Saturday morning and his whereabouts were unknown Sunday evening. Apparently after asking his friend if he could move in with him and his grandmother and being told "no" the two teens took off. MS doesn't understand why his son wouldn't want to live with him as he has everything.
Everything but his dad's time, attention and interest. MS and I have talked about this on more than one occasion. Nothing changes.
MS is a good guy. He is laid back and easy going. I haven't seen anything of the contrary although he reports a different persona at work and apparently his son must see something different too. Am I missing something or do people have different perspectives from his different responsibilities?
My main concern remains. MS and I have opposite parenting styles and relationships with our children. I don't foresee this ever changing. We do have fun together and love each other. We get along extremely well. BUT...our boys are FOURTEEN. Do I really want to watch the downward spiral of their relationship for my own companionship for four years until our boys are "adults" or high school graduates? And then what?
I have always preferred the idea of a Mr. Right not a Mr. Right Now. But no one is perfect. When as individuals do we determine what is worth accepting and settling and what isn't?
I wasn't immediately attracted to him. The idea of him being a full time parent to his son who had no relationship with his mother was daunting. We met again a few days later for our second date. The date went well, but again, I couldn't escape the fear of a full time parent. I didn't feel comfortable having him choose between time with me and time with his son. He assured me that he had a right to date and if it wasn't me, it would be someone. After our second date, I just couldn't do it. We didn't see each other again.
Until...October 2010. We have been dating since. I wish I could say that today I am more comfortable with him being a full time parent. I am not. Let me clarify. It isn't that I have an issue with him being a full time parent, I have the issue that he is an absent full time parent. His relationship with his 14 year old son is more representative of a roommate or friend than a parent or authority figure. Most weekends when MS works, his son would be at home, although more frequently he is gone staying with friends. Weekends when MS is home, his son is gone the entire weekend at friends. His son does seem to look forward to opportunities of visiting me and my son to go bowling or play board games. Quite a surprise for me!
Since October, his son has been suspended from school and broke his collar bone. He recently was involved in a skate board incident where we spent three hours in the medical center and required follow up orthodontist appointment for loose and misaligned teeth and a CT scan for concern of a brain bleed as he had visual head ticks. The police have been involved on at least two occasions as his son wasn't where he was suppose to be. Mother's Day was the most recent involvement. He hadn't been home since Saturday morning and his whereabouts were unknown Sunday evening. Apparently after asking his friend if he could move in with him and his grandmother and being told "no" the two teens took off. MS doesn't understand why his son wouldn't want to live with him as he has everything.
Everything but his dad's time, attention and interest. MS and I have talked about this on more than one occasion. Nothing changes.
MS is a good guy. He is laid back and easy going. I haven't seen anything of the contrary although he reports a different persona at work and apparently his son must see something different too. Am I missing something or do people have different perspectives from his different responsibilities?
My main concern remains. MS and I have opposite parenting styles and relationships with our children. I don't foresee this ever changing. We do have fun together and love each other. We get along extremely well. BUT...our boys are FOURTEEN. Do I really want to watch the downward spiral of their relationship for my own companionship for four years until our boys are "adults" or high school graduates? And then what?
I have always preferred the idea of a Mr. Right not a Mr. Right Now. But no one is perfect. When as individuals do we determine what is worth accepting and settling and what isn't?
Shallow or Sure?
I have been extremely busy at work as of late. I seem to be accommodating clients and working a lot of late nights. I am always amazed how inflexible clients are, when I am helping them to achieve their goals, dreams and desires.
I have recently met with two married couples that sleep in opposite bedrooms. I understand separate bedrooms becomes more frequent in long-term relationships. Personally, I don't think that I could ever live with someone in a committed relationship if we didn't desire the companionship of each other or had snoring issues that affected our ability to sleep together. Maybe that's why I am still single, although I maintain that the only way my ex-husband and I could have remained married was if we lived in different states! One couple though, of 27 years have only shared a bedroom for six months. SIX. MONTHS. I couldn't imagine. What is even more difficult to comprehend is that for the past 21 years his "bedroom" is in the basement in a room the size of a closet wedged in the unfinished basement area of storage and the utility room. He has no desire to move up to the main sleeping quarters where there were three vacant bedrooms.
I was talking with a man today about his job and he mentioned he makes whitening strips. He asked if I wanted some. It flashed me back to a bad first meet/date I had a couple years ago where the guy offered to bring me whitening strips because it was where he worked too. I mentioned this to the man. He offered a name and I honestly couldn't recall. The first name might have been, but my description was dead on to who he had said. I felt shallow after describing him as short and obese and full of tattoos. But it was the truth.
Another recent experience I met a client's fiance. They met through eHarmony last August. They are getting married this month. Neither have ever been married. He is 40 and she is in her late 30's. As I sat with him interviewing him I couldn't help but feel shallow. He is a very nice man, but definitely not my type. He had bariatric surgery years ago and still has weight to lose (lost 200#'s already) plus as he calls it, the "apron" of excess skin that he believes is 50 pounds. He is also 5'5" tall and worked third shift. Is it shallow that makes us understand what we are attracted to or what we are looking for or is it a sense of being sure?
I have recently met with two married couples that sleep in opposite bedrooms. I understand separate bedrooms becomes more frequent in long-term relationships. Personally, I don't think that I could ever live with someone in a committed relationship if we didn't desire the companionship of each other or had snoring issues that affected our ability to sleep together. Maybe that's why I am still single, although I maintain that the only way my ex-husband and I could have remained married was if we lived in different states! One couple though, of 27 years have only shared a bedroom for six months. SIX. MONTHS. I couldn't imagine. What is even more difficult to comprehend is that for the past 21 years his "bedroom" is in the basement in a room the size of a closet wedged in the unfinished basement area of storage and the utility room. He has no desire to move up to the main sleeping quarters where there were three vacant bedrooms.
I was talking with a man today about his job and he mentioned he makes whitening strips. He asked if I wanted some. It flashed me back to a bad first meet/date I had a couple years ago where the guy offered to bring me whitening strips because it was where he worked too. I mentioned this to the man. He offered a name and I honestly couldn't recall. The first name might have been, but my description was dead on to who he had said. I felt shallow after describing him as short and obese and full of tattoos. But it was the truth.
Another recent experience I met a client's fiance. They met through eHarmony last August. They are getting married this month. Neither have ever been married. He is 40 and she is in her late 30's. As I sat with him interviewing him I couldn't help but feel shallow. He is a very nice man, but definitely not my type. He had bariatric surgery years ago and still has weight to lose (lost 200#'s already) plus as he calls it, the "apron" of excess skin that he believes is 50 pounds. He is also 5'5" tall and worked third shift. Is it shallow that makes us understand what we are attracted to or what we are looking for or is it a sense of being sure?
Father Update
My father suffered a small stroke. He has regained some movement in his right hand with the assistance of physical therapy. He is finally able to walk small distances but he needs a walker or wheel chair for longer distances.
I called the nurses' station last week to learn that he had been moved. The nurse didn't know or wouldn't disclose where he was moved to. I contacted my Aunt and she had heard from my Uncle the previous day that my father was being moved to a physical therapy floor. I emailed my Uncle and am now on his mailing list, which gets me involved in the drama as he makes sure that "A" receives all correspondence as does everyone else who is on his mailing list when he emails her. It is entertaining to be an observer for a while.
I left a message for my father's Social Worker with the temporary Social Worker. She called me back days later and left a message. I missed her call and she was unavailable thirty minutes later. That was Friday. I still have not heard from her. I guess nurse Social Workers don't have the same Standard of Promptness that I have. I meant to call the Social Worker sooner but I mistakenly called my father instead. Fortunately his wife wasn't with him at the time and our conversation was fine.
He anticipates being on the physical therapy floor - where PT is DUMB and the response time of staff is almost non-existent for a week. He will then move into his wife's new handicapped accessible apartment for up to 6 weeks before the LVAD. Personally, I think the return to the apartment is the hospital's way of testing if they are vested in therapy, medication and follow through. My father did say that "A" is frustrated that she can't get to see him at the hospital when she wants due to transportation issues.
Hmmm...so how would that make them good recipients of an LVAD?
I called the nurses' station last week to learn that he had been moved. The nurse didn't know or wouldn't disclose where he was moved to. I contacted my Aunt and she had heard from my Uncle the previous day that my father was being moved to a physical therapy floor. I emailed my Uncle and am now on his mailing list, which gets me involved in the drama as he makes sure that "A" receives all correspondence as does everyone else who is on his mailing list when he emails her. It is entertaining to be an observer for a while.
I left a message for my father's Social Worker with the temporary Social Worker. She called me back days later and left a message. I missed her call and she was unavailable thirty minutes later. That was Friday. I still have not heard from her. I guess nurse Social Workers don't have the same Standard of Promptness that I have. I meant to call the Social Worker sooner but I mistakenly called my father instead. Fortunately his wife wasn't with him at the time and our conversation was fine.
He anticipates being on the physical therapy floor - where PT is DUMB and the response time of staff is almost non-existent for a week. He will then move into his wife's new handicapped accessible apartment for up to 6 weeks before the LVAD. Personally, I think the return to the apartment is the hospital's way of testing if they are vested in therapy, medication and follow through. My father did say that "A" is frustrated that she can't get to see him at the hospital when she wants due to transportation issues.
Hmmm...so how would that make them good recipients of an LVAD?
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