I grew up playing Monopoly with my family, primarily my dad and brother. I can recall that the games could last days, even weeks that we had a partially finished game strewn around the floor. I can also recall countless times that I would cry. Cry because it just wasn't fair! I felt picked on at times by the trades that would occur which would ultimately see my demise.
As an adult, those memories flood back so when my son was little, I was more than excited to find the Pokemon version that had different doubles rules. Rules that no longer made trading properties necessary. A toss of the die would determine the fate of your ownership. Double sixes allow the roller to challenge an opponent for unsecured properties. No more bartering. No more trading. No more begging. No more bantering. Bliss.
I am sure that some if not most people feel that the trades are what makes Monopoly fun. I obviously am not one of those.
Saturday night I met the bf's brother and his fiancee for the first time. We had tried to play Monopoly on the Wii but with only two remotes, it wasn't possible for the four of us to play. After a failed attempt at finding open bowling, we went back to their house to play the board game version of Monopoly. All was fine, until the last property was sold and no one had any sets. His brother than decided to offer me ridiculous trades - he would give me Oriental Avenue (lt. blue) for Pacific Avenue (green). No. And his offers to me, all three of them continued in that fashion. All which I declined. Apparently irritating him, he decided to trade the bf a Baltic Ave (dk. purple/brown) for a Railroad. Of course the bf traded and the brother didn't even own a Railroad! So then he traded the RR to his fiancee for Tennessee (orange) which he only had one orange and thereby gave her all four railroads.
The trading transactions were ridiculous. When he and I could have made legitimate trades to both secure sets, he refused. And I got irritated. My irritation only escalated when the brother couldn't figure out what was going on repeatedly, whose turn it was, what money went into the bank, etc. Finally, I had enough. We all had several thousands of dollars and the game was going nowhere. So I quit.
Like a big baby, I quit. Of course I had to go to the bathroom too, but we had been playing for over 1.5 hours. Clearly I was the only one that was irritated since the bf and the fiancee were making money off of their ludicrous trades. In the bathroom I noticed that my neck was red and my face heated. I thought about asking the bf to take me home. I left the bathroom and went back into the kitchen. I played with the dog and watched as they put the game away.
In a way, I felt childish. I felt like I was being a poor sport. I spent the rest of the weekend thinking about it. I am sure I could have handled it better. I didn't throw my money or properties across the table. I didn't yell. The game was going nowhere.
But the bottomline for me...wasn't that I'm a poor sport. The bottomline is that one of my core values is fairness. It wasn't that I couldn't control how others play the game or that it was differently. It was the fact that what was happening wasn't fair. And even if the trades had been with me, I still wouldn't have made them, unless they were fair.
Why is it that I have such strong opposition, even in games, against the unjust and the unfair?
Monday, January 24, 2011
Oatmeal Optimism
I am not an oatmeal fan. Occasionally I will have a bowl of oatmeal if I feel the urge, which is very infrequently. Something about the texture and the way it feels on my tongue.
I am also not a fan of McDonald's; however, I do like the egg McMuffin.
This morning after a hellacious commute from the bf's house to the office (an extra hour) I decided to swing into McD's and grab an egg McMuffin. Nerves shot and no desire to head into work I was swayed to try the fruit and maple syrup oatmeal as the picture looked so enticing.
I have to say that I was not disappointed. While a little sweeter than I would have preferred, I did like the mix of apples, raisins and cranberries. I am pretty sure I will be finding myself grabbing some oatmeal again in the near future!
I am also not a fan of McDonald's; however, I do like the egg McMuffin.
This morning after a hellacious commute from the bf's house to the office (an extra hour) I decided to swing into McD's and grab an egg McMuffin. Nerves shot and no desire to head into work I was swayed to try the fruit and maple syrup oatmeal as the picture looked so enticing.
I have to say that I was not disappointed. While a little sweeter than I would have preferred, I did like the mix of apples, raisins and cranberries. I am pretty sure I will be finding myself grabbing some oatmeal again in the near future!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Father Figures, Facts or Figuratively
Interestingly enough, after my post last night I received an update on my dad this morning at 7:25a.m. No matter how many times I tell his wife I don't need my own personal update, just a copy of her mass updates that she emails, she has felt inclined to email me personally, twice.
Now don't go thinking that she is being the bigger person by doing so. I appreciate the update, but I'm sure she has sent weekly if not more often updates to others. I have gotten TWO since early November. TWO.
So the update was two sentences. Basically advising that he is still alive and doing well. His A1C level is now officially at 10 and needs to be at a 7 before he is eligible for a VAD. Apparently when he was in Tampa, hospitalized for almost two weeks and sent home on Hospice, he was an 11.
Not that I know anything about A1C, this will be next google search expedition, but with my simplistic calculations a drop in one in more than two months doesn't seem significant, especially given that he was given weeks to months to live. At the current rate of the reduction, to reach a 7 will be July 2011, minimally.
His wife previously anticipated he would receive a VAD and then a heart transplant. The window of opportunity for a heart transplant will be closed effective his 65th birthday in June 2011.
Good thing health isn't a matter of numbers and calculations. Maybe there is still a chance. A slim chance...or maybe the boy will finally stop crying...wolf.
Now don't go thinking that she is being the bigger person by doing so. I appreciate the update, but I'm sure she has sent weekly if not more often updates to others. I have gotten TWO since early November. TWO.
So the update was two sentences. Basically advising that he is still alive and doing well. His A1C level is now officially at 10 and needs to be at a 7 before he is eligible for a VAD. Apparently when he was in Tampa, hospitalized for almost two weeks and sent home on Hospice, he was an 11.
Not that I know anything about A1C, this will be next google search expedition, but with my simplistic calculations a drop in one in more than two months doesn't seem significant, especially given that he was given weeks to months to live. At the current rate of the reduction, to reach a 7 will be July 2011, minimally.
His wife previously anticipated he would receive a VAD and then a heart transplant. The window of opportunity for a heart transplant will be closed effective his 65th birthday in June 2011.
Good thing health isn't a matter of numbers and calculations. Maybe there is still a chance. A slim chance...or maybe the boy will finally stop crying...wolf.
Basketball: The Winter of Baseball Equivalent
T has decided he loves basketball. The school season ended and a recreation tournament league was available and he was invited to join. The tournament is nine Saturdays. Practices are twice a week - Tuesdays and Fridays.
The tournaments are 35 minutes north in good weather. The tournament times will be divulged the Tuesday before the Saturday. The cost: $90 to play. Tonight we learn that the games this Saturday are at 4:30 and 5:30p.m.
Sigh. Basketball will last until baseball practices begin. Games can be as late as 7:30p.m. and they will only play two games, which should be back to back. Nine weeks of few plans on the weekends due to scheduling uncertainty.
I'm already feeling the drain. I'm feeling the frustration of baseball season. I've already told T that weekends he isn't with me, I likely won't be attending. I am finally reaching a point where I'm trying not to feel guilty for saying NO. Then I am far from Super Mom. I'm not perfect and if I'm going to maintain sanity, I will not be strapped to basketball games rather than enjoying MY weekends.
Having said that, I pick up T today and he says his dad may be busy with his other son and can I take him to the games Saturday? Hold firm. Hold firm. And of course I say, well let me know. Because ultimately T comes first. Fortunately for me, due to the late games his dad can take him!
The tournaments are 35 minutes north in good weather. The tournament times will be divulged the Tuesday before the Saturday. The cost: $90 to play. Tonight we learn that the games this Saturday are at 4:30 and 5:30p.m.
Sigh. Basketball will last until baseball practices begin. Games can be as late as 7:30p.m. and they will only play two games, which should be back to back. Nine weeks of few plans on the weekends due to scheduling uncertainty.
I'm already feeling the drain. I'm feeling the frustration of baseball season. I've already told T that weekends he isn't with me, I likely won't be attending. I am finally reaching a point where I'm trying not to feel guilty for saying NO. Then I am far from Super Mom. I'm not perfect and if I'm going to maintain sanity, I will not be strapped to basketball games rather than enjoying MY weekends.
Having said that, I pick up T today and he says his dad may be busy with his other son and can I take him to the games Saturday? Hold firm. Hold firm. And of course I say, well let me know. Because ultimately T comes first. Fortunately for me, due to the late games his dad can take him!
Update of Randomness
I have obviously been on a blogging hiatus. As usual, things I have thought about discussing I don't. I just find myself spending endless hours of mindless games of spades. I know I should be more productive and then I realize I don't know what I should be doing. Well working out is a good start but that leads to the whole want vs. need discussion. Then next I will find myself rambling about what came first, the chicken or the egg?
But now that it is mid-January: Not that I have an official date of dating or anything, but I think today could be three months of dating MS. Things are going well. I think Sunday we may have had our first disagreement and we survived. I can't even say it was a disagreement, just not seeing eye to eye. Then last night when dealing with a touchy subject and me disclosing, he laughed. I called him out on it to see if he really thought it was funny. He didn't. We must share the same emotion of laughter in awkward situations, whereas I probably would prefer to cry.
I am officially unsure about Essure. I had scheduled to have the Essure procedure next month and after reading reviews I decided foreign objects in my fallopian tubes was not a good idea. Especially given my reaction to sticking any form of metal into the holes in my ears. At least I can remove earrings! So I called the dr. today to change my mind and I was instructed I had to meet with him in person, again. I have officially changed the procedure since he fortunately had a cancellation and I met with him again today.
I continue on my medication mortification. I was prescribed Ambien to assist with my lack of sleeping. A little freaked out about the side effects, I decided vitamins, eating better and working out might be a better first option. I've actually been doing quite well on the sleeping and when I seldom have anything on my mind, I actually go to sleep quickly! The Ambien stares and taunts me daily from the shelf and I continue to try the natural way.
I was sent for a follow up with the GI since the issues that I had the colonoscopy in 2008 continue. After an exciting impromptu rectal exam to eliminate the possibility of a fissure I was sent home with more prescriptions. Twice a day suppositories and miralax or fiber or any other random stool softener. Since I wasn't capable of putting anything but my finger up my nose when I had "crusties", I clearly am not inserting anything up my...yeah that. So more medications not used. More prescriptions filled, sitting unopened.
Parenting. Ahhhh where to begin? My son claimed I tried to run him over with the car. Then I was "mean" when I laughed uncontrollably at the Wendy's drive thru when he asked me if he could get a "baked potato with sour cream and chips". I said NO that they don't come with chips. He said, "Not CHIPS, Chivs." Chives is officially now Chivs. Then later that night he randomly texts me about his dad paying a physical bill (which I verified today that MY insurance paid, not him!) and then a follow up text basically asking if the bf and I "did it" the other night and describing what he heard. What he heard was me in the bathroom going to the bathroom and washing my hands and then MS breathing heavy as he has extreme nasal polyps which then turned into atrocious snoring! Nope, what he heard was NOT us "DOING IT".
BUT...that did open a whole other can of worms as to why is my almost 14 year old texting me from the other parent's home inquiring if I had sex? I texted back that while odd to receive the text, we would discuss it in person when he came home. I called him today to inquire about the text at which point he began to sob uncontrollably. The conversation after we got home, much the same. He sobbed and cried uncontrollably. Teenage hormones! I figured more was going on. All he disclosed besides hearing noises (which we discussed and I informed the truth was not what he thought) was that his stepsister told him she was kicked out on 1/3. He feels left out that his dad didn't tell him. He cried more. We cried together. I told him that at times I feel like I'm failing at being a parent. That if he isn't happy living with me, I want him to be happy and he can live elsewhere. He said he is happiest with me. I stressed again the importance of honesty. Say what you mean and mean what you say. That I would rather hear the truth whether I like it or not than find out I was lied to. We cried some more. I thought girls were more emotional than boys?
Interesting start on the New Year. My job is again slowing down. I considered going back to school for my Masters but $17,000 and 18 months isn't worth trying to fill up some downtime at the office. I will be picking up work from my old position in the interim of new hirees being trained. Then my new boss asked if I wanted to be back up phones, which I did very briefly years ago and stopped without the proper training. Since cross training is becoming mandatory anyway, looks like I will be heading to several weeks of training in the near future! As long as I keep busy and can keep some sanity on some front, it will all balance out.
As of the latest on my dad...I've digressed. Or maybe I've just embraced acceptance again. I left a message on Christmas wishing he and his wife a Merry Christmas. I haven't heard back and I haven't called them again. I will. One day, I will. But if that one day doesn't happen, I won't be shedding any tears of regret. I have reached solace.
Sometimes it's best to close one chapter before moving on...
But now that it is mid-January: Not that I have an official date of dating or anything, but I think today could be three months of dating MS. Things are going well. I think Sunday we may have had our first disagreement and we survived. I can't even say it was a disagreement, just not seeing eye to eye. Then last night when dealing with a touchy subject and me disclosing, he laughed. I called him out on it to see if he really thought it was funny. He didn't. We must share the same emotion of laughter in awkward situations, whereas I probably would prefer to cry.
I am officially unsure about Essure. I had scheduled to have the Essure procedure next month and after reading reviews I decided foreign objects in my fallopian tubes was not a good idea. Especially given my reaction to sticking any form of metal into the holes in my ears. At least I can remove earrings! So I called the dr. today to change my mind and I was instructed I had to meet with him in person, again. I have officially changed the procedure since he fortunately had a cancellation and I met with him again today.
I continue on my medication mortification. I was prescribed Ambien to assist with my lack of sleeping. A little freaked out about the side effects, I decided vitamins, eating better and working out might be a better first option. I've actually been doing quite well on the sleeping and when I seldom have anything on my mind, I actually go to sleep quickly! The Ambien stares and taunts me daily from the shelf and I continue to try the natural way.
I was sent for a follow up with the GI since the issues that I had the colonoscopy in 2008 continue. After an exciting impromptu rectal exam to eliminate the possibility of a fissure I was sent home with more prescriptions. Twice a day suppositories and miralax or fiber or any other random stool softener. Since I wasn't capable of putting anything but my finger up my nose when I had "crusties", I clearly am not inserting anything up my...yeah that. So more medications not used. More prescriptions filled, sitting unopened.
Parenting. Ahhhh where to begin? My son claimed I tried to run him over with the car. Then I was "mean" when I laughed uncontrollably at the Wendy's drive thru when he asked me if he could get a "baked potato with sour cream and chips". I said NO that they don't come with chips. He said, "Not CHIPS, Chivs." Chives is officially now Chivs. Then later that night he randomly texts me about his dad paying a physical bill (which I verified today that MY insurance paid, not him!) and then a follow up text basically asking if the bf and I "did it" the other night and describing what he heard. What he heard was me in the bathroom going to the bathroom and washing my hands and then MS breathing heavy as he has extreme nasal polyps which then turned into atrocious snoring! Nope, what he heard was NOT us "DOING IT".
BUT...that did open a whole other can of worms as to why is my almost 14 year old texting me from the other parent's home inquiring if I had sex? I texted back that while odd to receive the text, we would discuss it in person when he came home. I called him today to inquire about the text at which point he began to sob uncontrollably. The conversation after we got home, much the same. He sobbed and cried uncontrollably. Teenage hormones! I figured more was going on. All he disclosed besides hearing noises (which we discussed and I informed the truth was not what he thought) was that his stepsister told him she was kicked out on 1/3. He feels left out that his dad didn't tell him. He cried more. We cried together. I told him that at times I feel like I'm failing at being a parent. That if he isn't happy living with me, I want him to be happy and he can live elsewhere. He said he is happiest with me. I stressed again the importance of honesty. Say what you mean and mean what you say. That I would rather hear the truth whether I like it or not than find out I was lied to. We cried some more. I thought girls were more emotional than boys?
Interesting start on the New Year. My job is again slowing down. I considered going back to school for my Masters but $17,000 and 18 months isn't worth trying to fill up some downtime at the office. I will be picking up work from my old position in the interim of new hirees being trained. Then my new boss asked if I wanted to be back up phones, which I did very briefly years ago and stopped without the proper training. Since cross training is becoming mandatory anyway, looks like I will be heading to several weeks of training in the near future! As long as I keep busy and can keep some sanity on some front, it will all balance out.
As of the latest on my dad...I've digressed. Or maybe I've just embraced acceptance again. I left a message on Christmas wishing he and his wife a Merry Christmas. I haven't heard back and I haven't called them again. I will. One day, I will. But if that one day doesn't happen, I won't be shedding any tears of regret. I have reached solace.
Sometimes it's best to close one chapter before moving on...
Friday, January 7, 2011
2010 Year In Review
2010 YEAR IN REVIEW
HEALTH:
This past year my health has remained stable (knock, knock). A minor biking accident Memorial weekend added a scar on my wrist but nothing more serious. Halloween weekend, the claw of a hammer below the eye resulted in a small fracture of my facial plate and a minor scar but no permanent damage.
FITNESS:
What is that? 2010 saw me completely throw fitness out the window. I didn’t go to the gym. I battled with myself as to trying to eat healthy but ultimately failing. Physical fitness included occasional roller blading, walking or biking but nothing regular and routine. I can tell that the muscle mass is disappearing and the Pillsbury Dough Boy look is not becoming!
HOUSE:
A new ¾ bathroom and egress window were added to the basement during the summer. The additional bathroom has been a blessing (I even change shower curtains less!). T’s room was updated to a Youth Bedroom with cosmetic changes in the house and some minor changes to the guest bedroom (which still seems in limbo). I got a new grill for Christmas, so maybe I will add new patio furniture in 2011!
EMPLOYMENT:
A full year of my current position completed. Early Spring I was ready to quit which lead me to pursue a foster home license. For the most part, I love my job, when I’m busy. I could do without the office politics, drama and snarky people.
FINANCIAL:
No real change. 2010 saw a rebound to the 401k. As the year ended, my employer no longer does automatic savings bonds. I’m still in limbo trying to determine what to do with that monthly allotment that was automatically done for the past 13 years! A full year on the new 15 year mortgage has me happy with the great reduction!
TRAVEL:
The year began in Colorado and a second road trip to Colorado later in January. Unfortunately there wasn’t much snow and drama ensued on the second trip. Spring Break was a first time cruise with my mom from Florida to Mexico. In August T and I went to Arizona and saw the GRAND CANYON and had a fabulous trip! At the end of the Halloween weekend I found myself on an emergent trip to Tampa Florida to say what I thought was my final goodbye to my dad. November was a quick trip to Vermont to drive a vehicle with my brother and his family’s belongings back to Michigan – their midway point to their move to South Dakota.
Travel was pretty limited due to the basement bathroom addition which I will pay off before my year of 0% interest ends this summer.
PARENTING:
This year I found myself the proud and new mother of…a teenager. T turned thirteen in March and was allowed to have a Facebook page. The year has been somewhat challenging from a parenting perspective in pushing T towards friends and independence but still being a parent. I discovered T had a girlfriend via Facebook as well as a second Facebook account. Just before Christmas, texting was added to T and my parent’s cell phones. The end of year wrapped up with learning of secrecy, 580 son texts (in 5 days!) and parental battles of privacy for a teen. I am sure I will be battling the fine lines of privacy and independence until he moves out of the house.
Drama continued with the other half, especially around November for the holidays and hunting season. He refuses to communicate with me and only talks to our son and is beginning to talk more negatively about me. Less than five years. Less than five years…
PERSONAL:
Around Spring Break I decided maybe I was ready to consider the dating pool again. Wading around in the shallow end, quickly found me trying to tread water and then get the hell out of the pool. I spent a lot of time hanging out with friends and keeping busy. I attended meetup groups and did a lot of fun things and met some very interesting people. I again slowly tried the dating thing but found dating sites beyond comical and borderline appalling. I set my standards pretty low and aimed to find someone I wanted to see more than twice. Ultimately in October after ending a brief out-of-state long distance dating, I planned a much needed out of town trip with someone that we had remained friends since going out twice at the beginning of my pool wading. We have been dating since. I’m doing my best to not over analyze and going from there!
MISC:
As mentioned earlier and in previous posts, I thought my dad was finally dying. That The Little Boy Who Cried Wolf was no longer able to cry. My aunt, my brother, myself and hospital staff were wrong. Not that that is a bad thing, but I don’t know what it is. He was denied a VAD and heart transplant and sent home with Hospice early November. Maybe by some miracle other options exist because his wife is now saying that a VAD and heart transplant are available through a different hospital and donations are needed. The end of the year presented a new issue with my dad’s wife in the communication arena which has severed the relationship even more. I haven’t heard back from them after leaving a message on Christmas. I believe he is still alive, but honestly, nothing would surprise me at this point.
In September I became a licensed foster parent. I have been called for a handful of placements that were not appropriate. I have yet to have my first placement and wonder if I ever will. The experience of the licensing process was enlightening – personally and professionally.
2011 PREDICTIONS
HEALTH/FITNESS:
I have kicked off 2011 by not making a New Years Resolution but by making a concerted effort to make my health and fitness a priority. I started with my annual physical which will have numerous follow ups for health concerns. I was prescribed Ambien for sleeping as my insomnia is becoming scary but I want to see if eating well and exercise work first! I started taking a multi-vitamin “for her” and hope it will work for me too! I am committing to taking six months of vitamins. I am making a conscious effort to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner daily as I often skip meals, especially at work. I also went to the gym two days ago and plan to add exercise back into my life, slowly and consistently. I would also love to lose 15-20 pounds but at this point, I just want to be healthy and fit.
TRAVEL:
I hope to travel more this year. T is with me for Spring Break this year so I’m excited to figure out what we come up with and whether or not we utilize another week of the timeshare, two weeks out to randomly find us somewhere new and random. I also forsee some traveling with the boyfriend, with and without the teen children.
CAR:
I anticipate that I may need a new car this year. My cruise temporarily died again last night. My car seems to be “skipping” between 45-50 miles per hour and I wonder if it is transmission related. I am not looking forward to a car payment but I need something safe and reliable!
HOUSE:
I purchased a new comforter for the bedroom for Christmas along with new dishes! I anticipate that I will likely bite the bullet and finally paint my bedroom the milk chocolate color that I’ve been salivating over for years! I don’t foresee any other home improvement projects – maintenance only.
PERSONAL:
I vow to not lose myself while dating. I hope to continue to pursue fun adventures with friends outside of dating. I will continue to push myself to be a better me rather than settle with the routine and the monotony.
Happy New Year!
Parenting Privacy Priveleges
T turned thirteen last March, therefore he is on the cusp of turning fourteen. The past year I have given him more freedom which didn't encompass more responsibility. He doesn't receive an allowance and his chores are minimal. He is responsible for picking up after himself and keeping his room fairly clean. Sometimes he has to take the garbage down the driveway or bring back up the empty can. Rough Life.
In recapping, becoming a teenager I allowed him the ability to get a Facebook account with the understanding that I had access and must know his password. We created it together. In 2008 when I was going to Europe, I allowed him to have his own email account so we could communicate. We created it together. On December 22, 2010, I added texting to my son and parents cell phone plans. My son, surprisingly was excited despite me offering texting to him numerous times before.
My parents were in town for Christmas which meant some changes in sleeping arrangements as the guest bedroom now has a twin bunk. I wasn't going to put them on the aerobed on the floor so I gave them my room for the weekend. T was at his dad's the first night so I slept in his room. Christmas he was back home and fell asleep on the couch, so I again stayed in his room; however, his computer fan kept running. T hadn't put his laptop in standby and when I got up to do so, I saw that he had another Facebook account which changed from "Mike White" to "Harry Porter" depending on if I was on the profile page or the home page. I didn't understand. Additionally there was an email account open that I had never seen in gmail connected to the FB page. I was shocked. I didn't know what to do. The email account had been created on 12/22 and the FB page looked like it was primarily being used for Mafia Wars and he already had over 100 "friends".
I was shocked and appalled. I didn't know what to do. I knew that he created the accounts the one day I was at work (12/22) and he asked if a friend could come over. He said nothing about what they really did that day. I stewed all night and was restless. It didn't help that an hour after the discovery at about 3a.m. T woke to come into his room to go to bed. I said nothing. I did nothing. I laid awake for hours.
On 12/27, still having done nothing, T received a text after midnight. I asked for his phone and told him he was no longer to have it at night when in bed (10 school night/11 weekend or holiday) or use it as an alarm clock. He willingly gave me the phone. I had looked at his phone before that and saw that he was texting after 1a.m. when he was at his dad's. Earlier that night T had commented on how much the BF's son texted since getting his phone on 12/25. I checked T's text record and in five days he had texted 580 times. The BF's son, 1280 in two days!! The text that night at midnight was from RUR's daughter and I texted him about it the next day. Come to find out, the next day he told his daughter and her friend (the one T was texting after 1a.m.) about the incident and the friend told T that I was looking at his texts. T didn't confront me and I didn't confront him but he was mad. I learned that sharing with a friend of T's parent's is NOT a good idea and is NOT confidential.
T also has a girlfriend that he purchased a necklace for Christmas. I asked if he was going to see her during the break. He kept saying "I dunno". I asked if he wanted to invite her over. "NO". I learned from his texting that he planned to meet up with her while I was at work. Long story short, he didn't meet with her and emailed her the day of that he was "sick" - of course I directly knew nothing about it.
So I had been struggling with the ongoing deception and how much privacy does a teen have? How much do they deserve? I had decided to give T back his phone and told him I would not wake him for school or make his lunch. If he fell asleep at school or his grades suffered, his phone would be gone. AND he would have chores and responsibilities around the house. I haven't looked at his phone since I gave it back, until tonight that is.
T doesn't know it, but I've also made a point to not use just his cell phone when he gets home from school when he calls me from his cell. It helps that with the unlimited texting plan we have 1000 more anytime minutes on the phone and I no longer have to worry about going over! So to be sure he is home, I call the home phone.
Many of my friends of teens feel that as parents teens should have limited privacy. Email, FB and phones are free reign to search as we pay the bills to allow them to use them. Clearly back when I was a teen, we didn't have internet or cell phones. Times have changed.
It wasn't until tonight that I finally mentioned anything to T. We had just finished watching The Craigslist Killer that we had DVR'd earlier this week and the after show. It seemed like a perfect segway into secrecy and hidden email accounts. I asked T how many email accounts he has. "One." Even if I wasn't aware of the other one, he has two - his personal yahoo and a school email account.
Long story short, I asked T to be honest and as he himmed and hawed it was clear he wasn't. He acknowledged that his friend told him to create an email to play a game. After pulling teeth he admitted that he had to play the game on FB and therefore had to create another account. I asked if there was anything else he was hiding. "No". I told him that while I didn't have a problem with the account and why he created it, the fact that he didn't inform me and lied about it was the issue. I told him he had to delete the acounts. I watched him deactivate which then didn't permanently delete and then he deleted but still has a minimal 14 day window to reactivate his FB account. I now have the email and passwords to verify he hasn't reactivated. The gmail account was also deleted. However, the account he told me about was the "Mike White" account. I had asked repeatedly if there was anything else and if I found out he was lying there would be consequences. Then I asked about "Harry Porter" and he was like "Oh." and I learned of a third FB account and another gmail account. Those two, deleted. Then his personal FB account - we talked about safety as he had many "friends" from just Mafia Wars that have access to his personal information and pictures. And he deleted Every. Single. "Friend". and he even deleted Mafia Wars on his own.
I told him how disappointed I was that he had lied. While I appreciated the idea of creating an annonymous account for him to play, the way he went about it was deceitful and deceptive and he continued to lie upon confrontation. I informed him that I care about him and his safety. I also told him that if I find out that he lies to me more, no more laptop and no phone. Period. He apologized and said he understood.
Then we talked about the phone. I asked if he was still texting and he said not as much since that night on 12/27 after bowling. I asked him why. He said, "I dunno.". I asked him if it was because he knew I looked at his phone and he said, "You looked at my phone?" I confirmed what he already knew (from RUR and his peer). I then picked up his phone and called the account to see that he now has almost 1100 texts. So he still has used it quite a bit. I also told him that I am his mother and he is a teen. I pay the bills for his computer and his phone and as long as he is a minor I have the right to look if I deem necessary. He shook his head in agreement.
Then he got ready for bed. He told me about a conversation with his dad about my car. T asked about his irritated eye. He talked about retaking a test that he was disappointed he had received a B+ on because he didn't see a question and wasn't able to take after school today. He told me he saw, 1.5 months later, that he made the Honor Roll. He told me he loved me as he hugged and kissed me goodnight, at his initiation.
Never once did T notice or mention that I had tears welled up in my eyes. That I have been internalizing and struggling with parental angst since Christmas Day. That I hated having him do what I had him do but that it was for a reason. That I wonder if this is the start of a downward spiral or if this will open one more door of secrecy and deception that he seemed to have closed.
I don't have any answers. I don't have a crystal ball. I can only hope that our discussion and the actions that happened tonight lead to positive communication. I can only hope.
In recapping, becoming a teenager I allowed him the ability to get a Facebook account with the understanding that I had access and must know his password. We created it together. In 2008 when I was going to Europe, I allowed him to have his own email account so we could communicate. We created it together. On December 22, 2010, I added texting to my son and parents cell phone plans. My son, surprisingly was excited despite me offering texting to him numerous times before.
My parents were in town for Christmas which meant some changes in sleeping arrangements as the guest bedroom now has a twin bunk. I wasn't going to put them on the aerobed on the floor so I gave them my room for the weekend. T was at his dad's the first night so I slept in his room. Christmas he was back home and fell asleep on the couch, so I again stayed in his room; however, his computer fan kept running. T hadn't put his laptop in standby and when I got up to do so, I saw that he had another Facebook account which changed from "Mike White" to "Harry Porter" depending on if I was on the profile page or the home page. I didn't understand. Additionally there was an email account open that I had never seen in gmail connected to the FB page. I was shocked. I didn't know what to do. The email account had been created on 12/22 and the FB page looked like it was primarily being used for Mafia Wars and he already had over 100 "friends".
I was shocked and appalled. I didn't know what to do. I knew that he created the accounts the one day I was at work (12/22) and he asked if a friend could come over. He said nothing about what they really did that day. I stewed all night and was restless. It didn't help that an hour after the discovery at about 3a.m. T woke to come into his room to go to bed. I said nothing. I did nothing. I laid awake for hours.
On 12/27, still having done nothing, T received a text after midnight. I asked for his phone and told him he was no longer to have it at night when in bed (10 school night/11 weekend or holiday) or use it as an alarm clock. He willingly gave me the phone. I had looked at his phone before that and saw that he was texting after 1a.m. when he was at his dad's. Earlier that night T had commented on how much the BF's son texted since getting his phone on 12/25. I checked T's text record and in five days he had texted 580 times. The BF's son, 1280 in two days!! The text that night at midnight was from RUR's daughter and I texted him about it the next day. Come to find out, the next day he told his daughter and her friend (the one T was texting after 1a.m.) about the incident and the friend told T that I was looking at his texts. T didn't confront me and I didn't confront him but he was mad. I learned that sharing with a friend of T's parent's is NOT a good idea and is NOT confidential.
T also has a girlfriend that he purchased a necklace for Christmas. I asked if he was going to see her during the break. He kept saying "I dunno". I asked if he wanted to invite her over. "NO". I learned from his texting that he planned to meet up with her while I was at work. Long story short, he didn't meet with her and emailed her the day of that he was "sick" - of course I directly knew nothing about it.
So I had been struggling with the ongoing deception and how much privacy does a teen have? How much do they deserve? I had decided to give T back his phone and told him I would not wake him for school or make his lunch. If he fell asleep at school or his grades suffered, his phone would be gone. AND he would have chores and responsibilities around the house. I haven't looked at his phone since I gave it back, until tonight that is.
T doesn't know it, but I've also made a point to not use just his cell phone when he gets home from school when he calls me from his cell. It helps that with the unlimited texting plan we have 1000 more anytime minutes on the phone and I no longer have to worry about going over! So to be sure he is home, I call the home phone.
Many of my friends of teens feel that as parents teens should have limited privacy. Email, FB and phones are free reign to search as we pay the bills to allow them to use them. Clearly back when I was a teen, we didn't have internet or cell phones. Times have changed.
It wasn't until tonight that I finally mentioned anything to T. We had just finished watching The Craigslist Killer that we had DVR'd earlier this week and the after show. It seemed like a perfect segway into secrecy and hidden email accounts. I asked T how many email accounts he has. "One." Even if I wasn't aware of the other one, he has two - his personal yahoo and a school email account.
Long story short, I asked T to be honest and as he himmed and hawed it was clear he wasn't. He acknowledged that his friend told him to create an email to play a game. After pulling teeth he admitted that he had to play the game on FB and therefore had to create another account. I asked if there was anything else he was hiding. "No". I told him that while I didn't have a problem with the account and why he created it, the fact that he didn't inform me and lied about it was the issue. I told him he had to delete the acounts. I watched him deactivate which then didn't permanently delete and then he deleted but still has a minimal 14 day window to reactivate his FB account. I now have the email and passwords to verify he hasn't reactivated. The gmail account was also deleted. However, the account he told me about was the "Mike White" account. I had asked repeatedly if there was anything else and if I found out he was lying there would be consequences. Then I asked about "Harry Porter" and he was like "Oh." and I learned of a third FB account and another gmail account. Those two, deleted. Then his personal FB account - we talked about safety as he had many "friends" from just Mafia Wars that have access to his personal information and pictures. And he deleted Every. Single. "Friend". and he even deleted Mafia Wars on his own.
I told him how disappointed I was that he had lied. While I appreciated the idea of creating an annonymous account for him to play, the way he went about it was deceitful and deceptive and he continued to lie upon confrontation. I informed him that I care about him and his safety. I also told him that if I find out that he lies to me more, no more laptop and no phone. Period. He apologized and said he understood.
Then we talked about the phone. I asked if he was still texting and he said not as much since that night on 12/27 after bowling. I asked him why. He said, "I dunno.". I asked him if it was because he knew I looked at his phone and he said, "You looked at my phone?" I confirmed what he already knew (from RUR and his peer). I then picked up his phone and called the account to see that he now has almost 1100 texts. So he still has used it quite a bit. I also told him that I am his mother and he is a teen. I pay the bills for his computer and his phone and as long as he is a minor I have the right to look if I deem necessary. He shook his head in agreement.
Then he got ready for bed. He told me about a conversation with his dad about my car. T asked about his irritated eye. He talked about retaking a test that he was disappointed he had received a B+ on because he didn't see a question and wasn't able to take after school today. He told me he saw, 1.5 months later, that he made the Honor Roll. He told me he loved me as he hugged and kissed me goodnight, at his initiation.
Never once did T notice or mention that I had tears welled up in my eyes. That I have been internalizing and struggling with parental angst since Christmas Day. That I hated having him do what I had him do but that it was for a reason. That I wonder if this is the start of a downward spiral or if this will open one more door of secrecy and deception that he seemed to have closed.
I don't have any answers. I don't have a crystal ball. I can only hope that our discussion and the actions that happened tonight lead to positive communication. I can only hope.
Attachment Frustration
Being a Social Worker, I deal with my share of attachment issues to the extreme which is often labeled as RAD or Reactive Attachment Disorder; however, my frustration tonight had nothing to do with Social Work.
Today I decided to review 2010. A Year in Review. Granted it was rather boring and very lengthy and ended with my predictions for 2011. I whipped it up on break at work in a Word document and emailed it to myself. Tonight I battled opening the document and when I won, I found out that I actually lost as I was unable to copy, cut and paste or edit the document as it was protected. Sigh. I tried every which way to no avail.
So tomorrow I shall find time to post my long ramble of my year in review. Forewarning, you may want to just skip it. It's more for my own benefit next year in comparison.
Today I decided to review 2010. A Year in Review. Granted it was rather boring and very lengthy and ended with my predictions for 2011. I whipped it up on break at work in a Word document and emailed it to myself. Tonight I battled opening the document and when I won, I found out that I actually lost as I was unable to copy, cut and paste or edit the document as it was protected. Sigh. I tried every which way to no avail.
So tomorrow I shall find time to post my long ramble of my year in review. Forewarning, you may want to just skip it. It's more for my own benefit next year in comparison.
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