Independent Issues

Gender Inequality

2012-01-04T08:44:00.000-05:00

Of course everyone has their own personal experiences and examples of gender inequality. Regardless that it is now 2012, gender bias is still present.

The other day, while flipping through the channels, I stopped to watch Oprah. Her shows, likely all reruns were discussing miraculous weight loss transformations. Confirming at my annual physical, I could definitely lose, a lot of weight, but I digress.

What has truly struck a cord with me, was something the Dr. had said. Paraphrasing, he said:

For every 35 pounds a man loses, he gains 1" in length of his penis.

SERIOUSLY? I can't seem to get past this astonishing fact. Why does it always seems that men have it better? Not only are they able to lose weight quicker, but now an additional benefit?

Why is it that if I lose 35 pounds I won't gain 1" in breast size? No, the opposite usually happens. Gain weight, gain breast size (and every other size), lose weight, lose breast size...FIRST.

So days later, I'm still truly troubled by this gender inequality. I may be so moved to even make a sign and begin a picket. Nah, I bailed on the picket fence, I clearly won't find the energy or motivation to picket over 1" per 35 pounds.

What I am curious of though, is there a maximum limit of growth? Just imagine those that have to lose 100, 200, 300...oh nevermind. :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

The Case of the MIA Banana Peel

2011-12-01T20:33:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, well most of the time, my mind is going a dozen different directions at once. Many times over the past month, I have considered, even planned to blog. And obviously, I didn't. I still think maybe I will. Maybe I will go back and blog about happenings. Maybe I won't.

So after 1.5 hours of procrastinating working out (using my newly adapted Nintendo 64 on my new 32" lcd t.v. to play Galaga while I ride the stationary bike), I decided to blog. Another form of procrastination? ABSOLUTELY. I have intentions of typing a brief blog, but I feel like back story is necessary, then I realize how long it will be. Do I even bother? Then I decide, sure, why not, but where to begin?

This week has been extremely long, with two twelve hour plus days at work, meeting with six families in three days. November and December will always be strenuous as long as I maintain my current job. So, needless to say, I've been running a little thin and feeling a little disconnected. Nothing as apparent as what unfolded tonight.

Last night and this morning I had two scheduled visits with families. Both families thought that I was coming on different days. I started to question my sanity and my communication efforts. Not that I don't take responsibility for my own actions and mistakes, as I will be in Las Vegas, I clearly knew I wouldn't schedule when either family had thought. But two appointments back to back incorrect? Odd. Then again, the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas is stressful and strenuous for many.

As I left my visit this morning, I contacted JA and left messages as we had planned to meet up for lunch. I was starving, so I grabbed a banana out of my purse. Seeing that I had gum, I decided to stick the gum on the banana peel as I ate the banana. I laid the banana peel on the passenger seat in the car, with the gum secured on the peel.

To be honest, I have absolutely no recollection of where the banana peel is. NONE. I still don't, hours later.

When I arrived home from work, my son asked what was on my pants. He asked if I had holey pants and if I really wore them to work. When I looked down at my pants, I had FIVE small, gooey, sticky patches of...GUM. The gum must have fallen onto my pants, which then proceeded to stick to a different part of the pant leg, repeatedly as I sat and stood and so on.

Did I mention, I still have absolutely NO idea where the banana peel is. I don't remember if I removed the peel from my work car. I would have to assume that I did, hence how the gum managed to get from inside a banana peel on the passenger seat of the car to my leg. But maybe the gum fell immediately after I consumed the banana. Which would mean that I had gum on my upper thigh throughout lunch and throughout a 2.5 hour home visit with a family and then back to the office where I sat at my desk and then to my car to come home. And...not one person mentioned a thing?

Tomorrow I will manage to back track my steps to find a now over ripe banana peel. On a side note, some ice and scraping removed the sticky gum from my dress pants.

I can only wonder what else I have managed to misplace and miscommunicate. I'm just glad for now, it was a piece of gum and a banana peel.

What types of mishaps have you had while suffering from a lack of sleep?

5K Walk Results

2011-10-13T08:05:00.000-04:00

Last Saturday JA and I participated in a 5k Walk/Run local event. Of course my intention was to begin exercising for the two weeks before the event, when I asked JA if she wanted company. I can honestly admit that I did walk on several occasions leading up to the event, but not nearly as much as I wanted, hoped or desired. I just struggled finding the motivation.

My largest issue seems to be the 0-15 minute phase of any physical activity. The inner battles and demons always seem to prevail and I manage to not exercise. Once I have managed to struggle through the first 15 minutes, I am usually fine and then an endurance switch flips and I usually don't want to stop. While I had to be at the locale at 7:30a.m. to pick up my t-shirt, I remotely considered walking before the event started to warm up. I did have some fear that I couldn't keep up with JA as she walks on her treadmill four miles uphill many times a week.

Needless to say, we completed the walk and I survived. I wouldn't say that I had an adrenaline rush which motivated me. Shame motivated me. Motivated me to want to do better. Motivated me to want to jog. Something about watching a 70 year old man shuffle jog past as we walked. When we started the "race" the peer pressure of everyone jogging/running by had us jog on the track out of the stadium and onto the course. Despite taking my inhaler, I couldn't jog long so we stopped and walked. Quickly I had some intense shin splints but I knew that I could press on for a measly three miles, I didn't have much choice. Although I constantly felt like JA's dead weight and it wasn't a good feeling.

We weren't the last ones to finish, but clearly I think we may have been only a few to set out to complete the event by walking it's entirety. Two high school girls would pass us walking and then we would pass them. Both JA and I felt like we were walking faster but their walk looked so nonchalant and relaxed compared to ours. When we reached the track of the stadium we again jogged to the finish line.

JA sent me a link to our results a few days later. I hadn't bothered to look at what time we started or finished so I really had no idea. I know when I trained for the 3 day I could endurance walk a 13.5 minute mile but tried to slow down to a 15 minute mile for the sanity of my feet, knees and body. Needless to say, I was shocked when I opened up the results and saw that we completed the 5k in 36 minutes.

It almost makes me want to actually train and see if I can push myself to jog a 5k and see if I can physically complete. Then my rational side takes over as I laugh at myself and taunt myself to start with baby steps and see if a mile is even obtainable.

Why is it that fear and ourselves can be our worst demon? What is it that truly holds me back?

Customer Service/Online Ordering

2011-10-06T17:12:00.002-04:00

I can readily admit that I pay too much for services. I wish that I was a better advocate for keeping my costs down, but change keeps me stagnant. Weekly I receive advertisements in the mail on how to lower my auto insurance, my cable, my phone service, my credit card interests, you name it, I'm sure you and I both receive them.

Change and choice keeps me content. Or does it? I know that I pay too much in combination of my home phone, internet and television, but I haven't done anything about it. I would love to get more for less. Who wouldn't? I finally decided to take matters into my own hands, well one matter at a time.

We are having issues with our DVR. Two recent shows that we have recorded have had interference, of course during critical times, that have allowed us to miss some of the show. Clearly not life threatening. As we have Dish, the first time I thought it may have been due to weather, but after the second time I'm afraid that isn't the case. So I called Dish to ask for assistance and was advised to unplug the receiver. When I followed up to see if I was under any contractual obligations if I chose to cancel I was told I wasn't. There was no conversation or discussion as to my desire to cancel or if services could be offered to keep me as a customer. Based on that, I decided to look into AT&T U-Verse.

I have been receiving sales advertisements for U-Verse for sometime. The bundle sounds like a good deal, but most deals usually do. I already have AT&T for phone and internet, so the television addition wouldn't be a bad idea. I looked online and ended up ordering it today - thinking I got a good deal - which will be installed at the end of the month with a savings of about $30 per month. Not too bad, right?

Then I started thinking about the deal and what television stations we would be getting, especially since we have been watching many shows on the CW (LOVE, LOVE RINGER). I was beginning to think I would be going on a similar t.v. hiatus with the switch as I did when I lost the WB years prior. Frustrated with the online site (as my computer at work has an outdated web browser) I called customer service. This is where I became...confused.

The woman on the other end of the phone was FABULOUS. She didn't say that she could save me more money but advised that I might like what she had to offer over what I just ordered. I thought I had ordered the U-100 but received the U-Family so 30+ less channels as I ordered the DVR and it isn't available with the 100. So here is what I ordered and what I was offered by calling Customer Service:

Online Offer: 70 channels, Basic Internet & Home Phone; $250 Visa Credits for ordering online; 12 months for $110/month

Customer Service: 200 channels, Pro Internet, Home Phone, Free HBO/Cinemax 3 months, $250 Visa; 6 months for $95/month and 6 months for $105/month

So which is the better deal? I was actually a little confused by how I was being offered a better deal by calling and I wondered if there was a "catch".

Oh and one more thing...She was AMERICAN and spoke ENGLISH. Who says that Customer Service doesn't exist by phone anymore? Did I mention I didn't even yell or call to complain?

Popped Circuits

2011-10-05T08:47:00.001-04:00

Popped Circuits or blown fuses...I can only imagine what is next on the horizon, and dare I say it? But bring it on. If this is my challenge, I can get through it!

I can't believe how long it has been since my last post, although a little more recent than any consistent exercise! Things have been busy, but nothing too terribly crazy.

Little League World Series was a great time. T and I survived our last jaunt before school starting. Even "Tropical Storm Irene" didn't interfere too much: one consolation game cancellation and a rain delay. Two of my tires were low at one truck stop and fortunately I noticed and T used his tire knowledge to get us back on the road without issue.

School is in full swing. I have to say that I am glad T is out of the house and back into a routine. I think we function best with structure, even though I would love it if I didn't have to go into work five days a week and still received a pay check! His classes are uber difficult but he is managing, so far. Not so sure that Advanced Placement was the best option, but I am glad he is being challenged.

On the home front, my washing machine crashed last week. I am sure it was just a belt, but after 14 years it seemed due time to upgrade to a new set. I haven't managed to read the manuals yet - but the thought of a washer washing FOURTEEN pairs of jeans at a time? OMG I tore out the rest of the back fence and had a couple awesome bonfires at MS'. I managed to brand my toe with the poker and learned that fire tending in sandals isn't the smartest idea. I priced out new fencing and decided, maybe I don't need a fence right now. I purchased a few privacy trees to plant instead. After coming home on Monday, my dehumidifier was no longer working. I realized while the washer and dryer were being installed that a circuit had popped.

As the basement is pretty damp, I figured I was due for a new dehumidifier too. I purchased a new one on Monday night and am amazed at the power! I moved the dehumidifier into the den area last night and this morning I was astonished that the bucket was almost half full! I emptied it out in the wash basin and noticed the water wasn't draining well. Then I noticed that the floor drain wasn't working and all of the water went right to the floor and the carpet. Sigh...I checked the circuits and a different circuit was popped. So I turned it back on and the sump worked. Cleaned up the free standing water and now have a fan and the dehumidifier running to dry everything out. Two circuits popped in less than a week? What is going on?

I volunteered to keep JA company and join her in a 5k walk this Saturday. I thought it would motivate me to start exercising and make a dent in the extra 15 pounds I would LOVE to lose. Unfortunately it is mind over matter. I have walked a couple times and even rode the stationary bike while playing Galaga. I just am not exercising as much as I should. I am saddened that four years ago I was training for the 3 Day (60 miles in 3 days) and now I can't even get motivated to walk 3 Miles! I am looking forward to spending some time with JA and bringing back the memories of our walking days!

MS and I are doing well. Hard to imagine that we will have been dating ONE year this month. Our anniversary will be celebrated together at his brother's wedding, where he is the best man. Of course I have less than 1.5 weeks and I have absolutely no idea what to wear! The ceremony will be "brief" and outside in a park. As of last weekend, there are 213 people confirmed. TWO HUNDRED AND THIRTEEN! What in the world do I wear? Beyond an outfit (and that famous week before of the month) I am trying not to assess what MS and I are doing. Where are we headed? While walking to the store on Sunday, MS pointed out a vacant lot on his street and suggested I could build a house on it and we could be neighbors. Maybe that got me thinking...

Work is work. There has been much drama lately and many people leaving the office due to the new "Acting Director". I don't recall ever blogging about it, but much of my personal angst began after the passing of my father when I received an anonymous typed note in my mailbox of an excerpt from an article about angry co-workers and borderline personality. I brought the issue to the attention of my Union Rep as I didn't want anymore harassment, although I couldn't say for sure who. Then I had several discussions with Supervisors. Things continued on a short downward spiral briefly thereafter. I was asked if I would move offices and now I feel like I am in a "timeout" as I sit in the corner and face the corner. I also received a note in my office of a dress code violation. This too shall pass and things are getting a little better. I would love to have a more appreciative and rewarding job - personally, professionally and financially. I am thankful for the employment and the ability to pay my bills and afford the extras that I choose and that choose for me (washer, dryer, dehumidifier...). I love the fact that I only work three miles from home. I know I hold myself back from wanting more, but what is it that I want?

It is hard to believe that tomorrow will be two months since my father passed. I am so glad that he is no longer suffering. It amazes me how much stress his health, his relationship with his wife and our relationships really affected me.

All in all, there isn't anything to complain about. A few bumps along the way, but life has been good. Two popped circuits so far. Whatever is next, I can handle it!

Little League World Series Roadtrip

2011-08-23T00:17:00.000-04:00

As if I haven't had enough of baseball this year, a mother's love in never ending! When I arrived back in the states from our trip to Mexico, T texted and asked when he was with me for our week of vacation. He wanted to go to the Little League World Series in Williamsport, Pennsylvania.

Seeing that the return from my vacation with MS butted up to the weekend of respite of fostering and then my father's funeral, I told T to do some research. While he did some, the brunt of the research was done by...me. I spent this past weekend looking into hotel options and distance and juggling of my work schedule.

Effective today, I will be taking off Friday and Monday to take T to the Little League World Series. Tonight we booked a hotel for Friday and Saturday night nearby and a hotel en route home for Sunday night. I am sure we will pack up the car on Thursday night and head east, no need to make anymore plans or pack until the very last minute. T and I have a bowling marathon to tend to tomorrow and Wednesday I hope to get together with some friends out of town. I plan on working a full day Thursday. We will plan on stopping at my parent's Thursday night - two hours closer to Williamsport.

I am looking forward to the last minute getaway weekend with T before school starts. While I hope we do more than watch five games of baseball, at least it will be better than the constant games we have been watching on t.v.! I love last minute improv getways! Cheers to adventure!

Fostering Respite

2011-08-22T23:50:00.000-04:00

MS and I arrived back to the airport just before midnight on Thursday night. I stayed the night at MS' house and woke early to shower and head home. I went grocery shopping for the weekend in preparation of respite with a 7 year old and 4 year old. I raced home and put away the groceries, unpacked and started laundry. I went and picked up T from his dad's and got back home in time for the foster children to arrive at 1p.m.

The weekend was a great time! I enjoyed having the children in the home, although T was going out of his mind with the 7 year old that was annoying him beyond belief. I tried to give him some space of his own as the kids and I walked to a park on two of the days, visiting three different parks. We also enjoyed bowling, an indoor pool center, numerous movies, games and activities.

On the first day we painted nails although the 7 year old decided she didn't want hers painted and did mine instead. The 4 year old was ecstatic to have his finger and toes painted. His older sister proclaimed that he wasn't "allowed" to have them painted because "mom and dad" wouldn't allow it, so of course I painted them! I did take off the polish before he went back to the foster home on Sunday, but the little guy loved them and had fun picking out a different color for each nail!

I forgot how much energy it takes to parent young children! I did my best to keep them on the sleep schedule, but honestly I wasn't very successful. Obviously a different home and different sleep arrangements were difficult for the kids. The 4 year old fell asleep watching a movie in my lap both nights. He woke the first night several times throughout the night with the last time being 2a.m.! Both kids were up between 5-6:00a.m. both mornings! So my 3.5 hours of sleep average wasn't a great plan, but luckily short-term! I didn't love the fact that the kids wanted blueberry pancakes and after making them at 6:30a.m. and neither wanted to eat them! Oh well. Plan B.

The 4 year old was a serious cuddle bug. I loved being active with the kids. The 4 year old loved helping me do dishes and around the house. The 7 year old had issues with entertaining herself and was often "bored" so she found T to annoy! I was sad to see the kids leave and I think they weren't ready to go - which was fabulous as neither of us wore out our welcome!

Respite definitely works the best for us. We don't have to worry about childcare, can help out other foster families and can enjoy the benefits of children while offering them stability and opportunity too!

Mexico & "The Ring"

2011-08-22T23:30:00.000-04:00

My vacation to Mexico with MS was wonderful. I tried not to worry or take advantage of the fact that he paid for the all-inclusive get away and contributed as much as possible to the extras before and after the trip.

As I blogged here about whether or not MS would propose and being convinced that he wouldn't, I did find it somewhat awkward the night before we left that when checking-in online to our flight he inadvertently typed his last name as mine. I brushed it off. Unfortunately, we weren't able to get seats together on our flight from Detroit to Cancun. We booked them anyway and I figured we would talk to the gate agent in the morning before our three hour delay to see if we could switch seats.

We got up at 4:00a.m. and made it to the airport and arrived in Detroit without issue. We walked the terminal to our gate to inquire about changing seats. Surprisingly a second agent (the first told us to come back an hour before our flight) asked us where we were flying to and offered that if we wanted to fly through Atlanta she would put us in first class and we would only arrive 48 minutes later. After convincing MS it was a good idea and he would still be able to get breakfast before boarding our flight to Atlanta we made the change and each received a $400 flight credit to use in the future! BONUS! See, another contribution I made to the trip! ;)

We arrived in Cancun and did exactly what we were advised not to...we talked with the timeshare people and booked a tour. For our $40 good faith deposit we were ensured of a 90 minute presentation at a nearby resort, two bottles of tequila, two tickets for a 6 hour party boat of deep sea fishing and discounts of 2-1 passes for attractions (particularly para sailing). We figured well worth 90 minutes. Of course when we went to have our hotel concierge staff to call our free taxi, they refused and sent a manager to discuss with us the intricate details of our "tour" proclaiming we would be forced to stay for 4-6 hours. He offered that if we toured our resort for 2 hours he would compensate us with two bottles of tequila, $40 deposit refund and $100 to put toward the fishing expedition. After three separate negotiations (him going to speak to a supervisor - or himself) he finally agreed to the tequila, the deposit, free internet/telephone calls for the remainder of our stay, and $250 credit (the cost of the deep sea fishing). Since we had missed the last arrival time for the booked tour, we took the offer of our resort. Fortunately, our sales person was hung over from the previous night's company party and was starving. He asked if we were interested in purchasing, we said "no" and he asked if we minded joining him for breakfast. We did ask to tour the upscale casitas and our sales pitch was over in less than 54 minutes! What a blessing! BONUS!

The resort was beautiful. We didn't spend much time outside in the sun as it was really HOT. It didn't help matters that the first time out to the pool where we fed an iguana and participated in aqua aerobics, MS got FRIED on his chest and stomach. See, MS informed me that I needed to remind him about sunblock and that if he got burnt, he would be miserable and want to stay out of the sun. I was the dutiful girlfriend and reminded him and put the block on his back before we left the room. MS...well he forgot to put it on his chest and stomach! So he wore a shirt the rest of the vacation!

MS has a thing for turtles. So he purchased a couple memento turtles while we were in Playa del Carmen. In addition, he was excited to participate in a paint-a-pot activity that was near the pool at the resort every day. The day I learned my father had passed (with our free internet access pass), we had plans to paint. It was actually a very good diversion that I didn't have to hold it together too much and was able to focus on painting and not have to be "happy". I wasn't really sure what I wanted to paint, but opted for a plate. With the help of the guy that sells the plates - he puts back in the clear black lines and added some birds and the small bushes in the desert, the plate looked pretty awesome when it was done!

Anyone who knows me, should know that I have a slight issue with motion. Dramamine is my friend. I knew that I would need dramamine before our deep sea fishing adventure. MS however, he loves to fish and boat. Our boat for the fishing expedition had two crew, MS and I and a group of three men. The fumes from the exhaust were pretty awful and fortunately I was doing well dealing with the uneasiness of the boat along with the smell. I even managed to do OK after MS asked for dramamine, reeled in a "bait fish" and managed to hurl over the side before he ever got the dramamine open. He went into the cabin where he laid his head down on the table and remained the rest of the "three hour tour" (oh wait, that was Gilligan's island - but pretty much the same!). I knew that I had no interest in standing to real in a fish, so I just sat on the back of the boat and watched. When the youngest of the men, a son in his late teens/early twenties who also rejected reeling in a fish, leaned over board and lost his marbles, that was too much for me. I, on the other side of the boat, got sick too. Not only did I get sick once, I managed to get sick a second time simultaneously with the father of the young man. Yes, four of the five of us on the boat, were sick. Unfortunately it didn't help the crew and the one healthy passenger - a retired navy person of 27 years - to catch more fish! We headed in a little early as the fish were few and we weren't feeling well. Fortunately MS and I didn't pay $250 for the adventure, so we weren't so bothered by our ill fortune.

On several vacations, I have purchased rings. Granted the last few have been less than $8 each, but a ring that I fancy no less. I had full intention of purchasing a "real" ring of sorts this trip. MS had offered to buy me a ring. I wasn't sure exactly what the offer entailed - cost or intention - so rather than inquire, I pretty much ignored the offer. While we looked around Playa del Carmen, I was looking at rings that were rather expensive. I was considering another ring similar to the ring I purchased in Colorado (which after 18 months a stone fell out during dinner on this vacation. So lucky!), but decided I wanted different "bling". I negotiated a fantastic deal and I bought a beautiful ring. After our trip MS had said he did want to buy me a ring - but seeing that I negotiated a deal for cash, he didn't have that kind of cash on him. MS wasn't a fan of the ring I picked thinking that it is WAY too big, but I LOVE it and that is all that matters (although he has been gazing at it and inspecting it on several occasions!)!

MS and I went on a kayaking tour the morning after Playa. We had originally planned on taking the shuttle to Cancun for the day, but opted not to as we had our boating adventure and Playa del Carmen the night before. Since we had purchased souvenirs - MS his turtles and me my ring - we didn't see a reason to check out Cancun. So we had fun participating in activities at the resort. We started off with the kayaking and I managed well without dramamine; however, MS didn't fare as well. My competitive edge found me near the instructor while MS was way behind the last kayaker. When we reached an area to look for fish, I asked MS if he was OK, which he replied NO. He reported that his hips were cramping and he wasn't able to sit in the kayak comfortably. Fortunately the tour was only an hour and he managed to survive!

The vacation was a great escape. I was saddened to learn of my father's passing, but glad to have MS there to comfort me and a good distraction of Mexico. We enjoyed fabulous dining experiences at the restaurants at the resort. My favorite was de Italia. While the resort, El Dorado Royale is voted one of the number one honeymoon resorts in the world, I think I enjoyed Iberostar more as we weren't on a honeymoon. I never received the same drink twice, despite ordering the same. The nightly entertainment was also definitely lacking, but MS and I had a great time and a wonderful vacation. I am definitely looking forward to more vacations and memories with MS.

My Father's Passing

2011-08-18T23:27:00.000-04:00

My father passed away in the early morning hours of August 6, 2011. As I had dreamed weeks earlier, my father passed while I was on vacation.

The plan was that he would begin to wean from the Primacor IV on Monday, August 8, 2011. He had stopped taking all of his medications. He had said his peace and was ready to die. He was ready to stop fighting. He passed in the night while still on the Primacor.

I learned of his passing by an email from my uncle. MS and I had been given free internet access at the resort in Mexico on Tuesday, August 8, 2011. I never did hear directly from his wife as I had expected. She and I shared several emails about the memorial. We shared a few words at the memorial. I doubt that she and I will ever speak again.

The night before the memorial service, I met with TS, LL, my brother and sister-in-law at one of my dad's favorite location to give one cheer and toast in his honor. As we toasted and I looked up at the bar, this is what I saw:

MAY YOU BE IN HEAVEN AN HOUR BEFORE THE DEVIL KNOWS YOU'RE DEAD

How fitting. Rest in Peace Dad. Much love and until we meet again...

My Father's Final Days

2011-08-02T01:55:00.000-04:00

I have just spent the past hour or two going through my life, 36 years of photos. Unfortunately, it didn't take long. Growing up, my parents took many pictures. They were developed into slides. One of my favorite memories was having my parents set up the slide projector onto the screen or wall in the living room and sitting on the floor or couch cradling a bowl of popcorn and watching various reels of pictures. My dad had always talked about one day turning all of the slides into a DVD to capture all the memories. To my knowledge, that never happened. I have a small photo album of various pictures from infancy to graduation. The slides were destroyed in my mom's house fire in 1996.

I received an email this morning, August 1, 2011, updating of my father's welfare. He has refused all medication except the Primacor IV. As his wife had purchased enough full strength IV to last through August 2, 2011, I anticipate that he will begin the weaning process on August 3, 2011. He will wean for approximately three days and pass approximately two days thereafter. As I had anticipated from my dream weeks back, I will likely be in Mexico when he passes. Everything happens for a reason.

I posted this in December, after dealing with an array of emotions from saying goodbye to my father in early November and dealing with family drama. I posted this when my father turned 65 in early June. I didn't specifically post after my most recent visit to see my father on July 21 and 22, 2011. The most recent visits, I told my father I loved him and said bye, no longer the formal goodbye as I did in November, but still with tears in my eyes and sadness in my heart. Losing someone, regardless of the circumstances is never easy and involves many mixed emotions, even if truly a blessing.

As I have blogged about so many times before, my father and I are not very close. I make no excuses, I place no blame. It is what it is. I love my father. It is sad to realize that I have less than two dozen pictures of my father, many without me in them, over the past 36 years. Pictures down memory lane...but I don't need pictures to recall the memories. The memories to last a lifetime.

May you go peacefully dad. May your last few days be as free of pain and as comfortable and peaceful as possible. Until we meet again...I love you.

Tampa Florida: November 2010

Trusting the Truth

2011-07-31T02:12:00.001-04:00

About a month ago, I started to worry that MS may consider proposing on our vacation. I am not sure what was said or done specifically that had me concerned, just the overall differences of our vacation preferences. I am happy to say, that while those thoughts are somewhere compartmentalized in a drawer in my mind, I did come to my senses and believe that it won't happen (I think I know MS pretty well he couldn't pull off a surprise!). For this, I am glad. I am very much looking forward to vacation with MS and spending a week together, just the two of us with no worries or cares.

Thursday as I arrived at MS' house, waiting on the three to return from fishing, I was calm. Happy. Content. D and I were chatting on the phone and she asked if it was weird to have a key to his house. Technically, I don't have a key, but he gave me the garage door opener back in the winter and he doesn't lock the door in the garage that leads to the house. I have never given him a key to my house. We have never talked about it. It isn't that I don't trust him or don't want him to have one, it's just never been an issue. And I realized that I have never given MS back the garage door opener. I have never tried to end the relationship. I have never been so frustrated that I needed to run and not look back.

I've thought many times before of the differences of dating MS. I trust him. I completely trust him. Sometimes I wonder if I should. I have no reason not to but I wonder if ultimately if I will be blindsided by something. The fear. The fear of realizing and accepting that our relationship isn't too good to be true. That what we have is real. That while we have our differences in parenting, we work. And, that the reason I trust him isn't because I don't see or want a future with him. I trust him because he is trustworthy.

With each passing day, I find myself growing more and more fond of MS. I miss him when we aren't together. I know that both he and I would be fine if we stopped dating, but I don't want to. I'm not giddy to see him, but genuinely happy when I do. I try not to take him for granted and I feel he does the same.

I don't know if it is maturity, acceptance, understanding or any other multitude of options that has allowed this relationship to work. I don't need to know why, just that it does. I know that what MS and I have, I am thankful. With every day, I fall a little more for this man I love. And this love, has no time frames, limits or boundaries.

Fishing

2011-07-31T01:51:00.000-04:00

Thursday night, MS came down for T's first game of his final tournament. After the brutal loss, we debated on where to eat. Of course I had told MS that T would probably chose Red Robin, which in fact he did. The dining experience was, as I told the manager, an epic fail. The waiter was clearly out of his comfort zone and should find another job. The food was ill prepared and the waiter repeatedly lied trying to cover up his own errors which infuriated me even more. The manager paid for our meal and gave us $30 in gift certificates. If it weren't for T's love of the Freckled Lemonade, I don't know that I would venture back again.

MS purchased a fishing boat this week. We were on the lookout for a fishing boat and MS finally found one on Craigs List which he picked up on Wednesday. MS had been telling T all summer that he can show T where to catch BIG fish. So Thursday night, T decided he wanted to stay the night at MS' so that they could go fishing when MS got home from work. Unfortunately I had to work all day Friday, so I couldn't stay the night or go fishing. I have to admit, I might have been a little jealous as well as nervous that T was going out on a fishing boat that MS had yet to take out on the water. Fortunately all went well.

And as for my jealousy of wishing I was staying the night, well I survived. As for my jealousy of T having fun or catching fish without me, rest assured, T still loves his mom and didn't have that much fun. While T had fun singing to MS and entertaining him, there is something to be said about the bond between a mother and child.

Our bond. Love.

Packing Preparation

2011-07-31T01:40:00.000-04:00

In trying to prepare for my upcoming trip, I decided I wanted to purchase a few new outfits. I had hoped to find some short dresses, a couple tops and a pair of shorts or two, which I was unsuccessful. I did manage to buy four new long dresses, three pairs of Capri's, sleep shorts and a bathing suit. Almost what I had hoped to buy, or not. Shopping isn't one of my favorite things and of course when I am on a mission to find something I almost always, fail; however, I am completely OK with failing.

If I were meant to find and buy new clothes, I truly believe I would have. While I am sure it will take more time, I hope to actually search my drawers and determine what I wear, want to keep and want to donate. I am again feeling the need to clean and declutter. Maybe this time I will actually donate the items rather than continue to store them in the basement!

In addition to packing and cleaning, I have to clean the house and get prepared for our foster guests. All the bedding has been changed although we still have to assemble the car toddler bed tomorrow. T needs to kid-friendly his room, which may take him a week or two! Everything will come together. It always does.

Officially Over

2011-07-31T01:33:00.000-04:00

With one day left of July to spare, baseball season is officially OVER. Let me tell you, I couldn't be happier! I won't miss keeping the books. I won't miss the mercied games in the sweltering heat. I won't miss the last minute practices or the last minute scurrying for articles of baseball uniform and gear. I won't miss that for an entire month left of summer, I have the opportunity to actually enjoy it.

Having said all that though, it is bittersweet. I will miss possibly T's last summer of recreational baseball. A summer of youth, that quickly approached after endless years of tball, machine pitch, coach pitch and kid pitch. Years that have been wonderful. Memories created. Memories remembered.

Tonight T asked for my assistance in measuring himself. 5'8". With another baseball season ending there is much joy in the memories of the past and optimism of welcoming the memories of the future.

Perfect Timing To Be...

2011-07-15T01:13:00.001-04:00

In the midst of craziness of Little League regular season finishing, team tournaments, Allstar tournaments and T's weekend travel tournament team, I am almost at the point of no return of baseball. The last minute craziness of scheduled practices, the lack of communication and the forgetfulness of a fourteen year old with his baseball equipment dispersed between homes, I am at my limit!

In addition to baseball there is the little nuances of the latest round of hidden drama of an ailing father and his wife's adolescent behavior and lack of communication toppled on top of a job of no return or reward.  The job issues shall pass - since they are crisis related for the most part - but the surmounting frustration of recruiting and retaining when the reality of people's lives, family and abuse occur leaves the situation prospects rather dismal.

While the much needed vacation could come sooner, I am definitely welcoming the vacation that MS planned for just the two of us, seven days/six nights (cutting a night short to return to motherhood and a respite foster care placement) in Riviera Maya, Mexico.

We are staying at one of the adult only resorts of karismahotels. While I went to the Riviera Maya in 2008 and stayed at an Iberostar with JN, we never left the resort. MS and I are hoping to travel and venture to Cancun and Playa Del Carmen. He would like to go deep sea fishing and we both would like to parasail. He would also love to play some golf which I said would be a great solo opportunity for him :) but agreed that if he wanted company (and entertainment) I would golf with him! I can't wait for this much needed vacation.  MS and I have been spending more time together when we can, but clearly this seven day vacation traveling out of the country shall test our relationship.

I believe that he and I are ready for this test.

Exercise Update

2011-07-05T21:53:00.000-04:00

In searching through my blog, the last link I had about exercise was on February 9, 2011. I browsed it quickly to confirm that I failed my promise to myself to get healthy and lose ten pounds by Spring Break. I attempted the 30 Day Shred and completed about 8 days before I became completely bored with the workout and managed to hit a workout block by not making the time to exercise.

I was doing extremely well taking a multi-vitamin for her for ninety days, although after I finished the first bottle, I have been terrible at taking the vitamins in the second bottle. Why is it I lose interest and focus so quickly? If taking a pill wasn't so difficult, maybe I would consider an ADD pill so that I could focus and not hit the brick wall so quickly! I never did bother with the fish oil pills. I couldn't fathom another pill or the rumor that I would be burping or tasting fish!

Back to the starting block. Do you have any ideas or suggestions to motivate me???

Lawn Mower Likes

2011-07-05T21:43:00.000-04:00

This spring I had to invest in a new lawn mower. I purchased a bright and shiny black lawn mower that self mulches. Since my yard takes 15 minutes to mow, I don't need self propelled or a bag. I have to say that I LOVE my new lawn mower. The ease of a simple pull and it starts is sheer pleasure.

Not only that, I truly believe that my lawn LOVES the new mower as well. Is this possible? I have battled with having grass since I moved in, twelve years ago. Granted, I have never invested in lawn maintenance professionals to actually improve my lawn, but used various methods including grass seed and fertilizers to no avail. This year, my yard is green and growing! I really think that the self mulching has made a HUGE improvement in my grass. If I would have known a small investment of a new mower would make such a difference, I would have purchased it years ago!

U2 Concert

2011-06-27T23:21:00.000-04:00

MS purchased U2 concert tickets in November 2009. Due to injury and the canceling of the show in 2010, he was finally able to see the concert on June 26, 2011 at Michigan State University. MS had asked me a couple months ago if I would like to go with him. I am not a concert fan. I like U2, but not a huge fan per se. I agreed to go. I wasn't really filled in on the details that MS' brother and his fiancee and a group of others were going. I wasn't informed of the details either, which I was OK with for the most part as I was just along for the ride.

I tried to be OK with not being in control. I didn't let it bother me, the lack of organization and planning. The clusterfuck that clearly became annoying to others in the group. I was along for the ride. There were eight of us (two different vehicles) that met up in a parking lot. The goal was then to find the rest of the group that were moving from bar to bar. We headed to find them, with two of the group using their google walk maps to get to the destination. A third in the party asked a security guard for directions. We followed the guard's direction - which was opposite of the cell phone directions. Apparently there were two destinations with the same name, but the one the guard sent us to was a restaurant and not a bar and pub. We were now two miles from our destination. One in the group bought a six pack from a grocery store and they drank in the lot while MS and I went to wait in line at Subway to get food. A taxi arrived to take us to the bar and MS and I decided that food was more important. We split with the group.

MS and I ate and then walked to the stadium. We got to the stadium an hour before the opening act, Florence and the Machine. We were in section 9, to the left of the stage and 34 rows up. I was shocked by the price of the tickets, which showed $250. MS never said how much they were, but was disappointed that it wasn't a sold out crowd and that general admission were selling for $30. It amazed me that the cost was so expensive to sit outside on bleachers and that MS would pay it!

The concert was good. I recognized five songs. The technology and stage was pretty awesome. What amazed me the most....MS knew EVERY. SINGLE. SONG. MS LOVES U2. I hadn't known until last night that this was the fifth time MS has seen U2 in concert. He purchased the tickets when they first went on sale and bought the best available fearing they would sell out in 15 minutes as the previous show he hoped to attend had.

I worried yesterday and wondered as I stood next to him, if I was deserving of going. Who had he purchased the extra ticket for in mind when he bought them? Was there anyone or just that he didn't want to go solo (as the rest of the group were nowhere near us!)? Did I disappoint him that I didn't know more about U2? And bottomline, I accepted and stopped worrying about it all and acknowledged that he asked me because he wanted me to go. He wanted me to experience the concert with him. That nothing else mattered.

I did ask MS on the walk back to the car what he thought of the concert and how it compared to his other U2 concert experiences. He answered, "It was OK. They are getting OLD! They just don't have the same energy as they once did!" He also expressed disappointment that they only sang three songs from their latest CD. Well, what is to be expected from a group that has remained together since 1978?

I definitely enjoyed the experience of going with MS. I appreciated being next to MS as he swayed and sang every single word of every single song. Learning something new about MS and loving him more.

Guest Bedroom Transformation

2011-06-27T23:03:00.000-04:00

I made some changes to the guest bedroom to make it a little more personable for W. Of course I wanted to see where he preferred to sleep. So the bedroom change from the bunk bed along the back wall allowed for him to use the ladder. If he didn't want to sleep in the bed, I could either move the mattress to the floor or I could use the aero bed on the floor if he wanted something bigger than the twin. He decided he wanted to sleep in the bunk, so I changed the bedding to be more masculine than the photo.

Of course I had already purchased the full size bedding, a piece of art and the area rug for the room transformation. I just needed to get the couch out, the bunk bed disassembled and purchase the full size bed and frame. No big deal, right? I had the bunk bed disassembled rather quickly and last Monday T helped me put it in the storage room. The couch? Another story. We attempted every which way to get it out and had no success. I manged to take the paint off the door trim in three different spots though! Fortunately MS and I managed to get it out rather quickly after removing the door (I had attempted that myself with no luck!).

I absolutely LOVE the new bedroom look! It is wonderful to finally have an assembled room. W painted the wall artwork and I painted the lampshades. T attempted to paint one lampshade which was an EPIC FAIL. I plan to paint another white one as I don't care for the yellow one I painted - but I was too lazy to paint over the yellow!

The picture doesn't capture the pale blue and green circles well on the lampshade and artwork. W did a great job on his picture!

What do you think of the room transformation?

Wonderful Weekend Recap

2011-06-27T22:42:00.000-04:00

I had the most wonderful weekend. Some days I really struggle with what MS and I are doing in our relationship. I enjoy his company and love him, but I struggle with whether we should be dating. Our parenting differences are always going to be present. I suppose I sweep them under the rug as it doesn't impact us enjoying each other, most of the time.

With the respite and dog sitting, I haven't been to MS' house in several weeks. The plan was for me to head to his place on Friday night where we would go to a nice dinner at a restaurant he has wanted to take me to since November. We still haven't gone. T started his baseball tournament and it wasn't until Friday at 4:30p.m. that we learned he would be playing at 9:00a.m. at home Saturday morning. So it didn't make sense to head an hour north for the night to be back bright and early. MS' son was staying the night at a friend's house so MS offered to come down instead!

We met up with JA and her husband (and kids) for dinner on a whim! We then went back to their house and played a few games and hung out! It was great to be able to see JA, I really miss seeing her! We had a blast and it was a much better impromptu than a fancy dinner with just MS.

Saturday morning we went to the game. In a great finish, T's team WON! Was an awesome game. MS and I decided to head downtown to a little cafe but found a new restaurant en route that was open. We were the only customers in the place that had been open since March. A coffee, cafe that offers family game nights, live bands and promotes local food sources. The food was good, but overpriced for the amount and quality and MS and I agreed we probably wouldn't go back.

Then it was onto a day of accomplishment. We rented a truck from Menards and purchased a new full size bed for my guest bedroom. We were able to move the couch out of the guest bedroom to the basement after removing two doors, stair rail and smashing with all our might to get it past the basement trim! We made several trips to home depot to finish the front landscaping bricks including top soil and grass seed! I finally purchased a cheap patio set too! We assembled the guest bedroom and finished the yard. I was so absolutely relieved to tackle such big and overwhelming projects. MS even helped me hang four pieces of art too (since I have angst with adding holes in the wall!).

We managed to finish everything by about 6:45p.m. He headed home and I showered and packed for the rest of the weekend at his place. I grabbed pizza for dinner on the way to his house and crashed with an allergy attack during the movie Cropsy.

Sunday we woke up around 8a.m. and had breakfast and best 2 out of 3 of Skipbo. MS was just glad that he won a game! Then we went for a 15 mile rollerblade adventure, which we both survived with only a blister! Then we headed home to shower and change for the U2 concert at Michigan Stadium.

I couldn't have asked for a better weekend. Good friends. Great accomplishments. Great Entertainment. As I lay in bed next to MS this morning I was happy. I am blessed. I am not looking for perfection, but with each day, it appears that I find myself understanding, accepting and loving him more. One day at a time. And today, when he confirmed that he has made arrangements for us to plan a vacation in August, I believe it may actually happen and I am looking forward.

Foster Care: Respite Recap

2011-06-27T22:24:00.000-04:00

In addition to surviving the 2.5 week stay of the puppy, less than 2 days later, I had my first respite overnight foster care placement. I had been asked several times to have the younger brother stay of the brothers that I had provided the day respite for as the foster parents were going on vacation. Due to my work schedule and T being with his dad for the week, I had said no, but I could provide for some of the time if necessary. The foster mother found another respite provider, but days before and after a few hours with the family, W was not comfortable and asked the foster mother if he could stay with me.

I felt flattered that W felt comfortable enough to request that he stay with us. The foster parents altered their vacation to include W in some of it and we provided respite from Saturday - Monday and a friend provided respite for a few more days.

W was a joy to have around and I found his communication much more welcoming than Bubba's whining! We did some arts and crafts, baking, errands, tennis, beach, movies and eating out. His comments were laughable - with his fears of sharks in Lake Michigan and the waitress tainting his fruit punch. He was very inquisitive asking about my desire to foster and why I haven't fostered more. Inquiring if I thought it was OK to have a bunkbed for foster kids and if I feared they would fall. Questioning my ring and if it was my wedding ring and why I wore it. I love the brutal honesty and inquiry of kids. I had prepared by purchasing a waterproof mattress pad which worked well as the bed stayed dry when he didn't either night.

Definitely a good experience and one that we would do again! We saw his siblings on Monday after a parental visit and his older brother was disappointed he didn't get to visit too (he is in a different foster home).

Last week I received a call to provide respite for a weekend for two children, female 7 and male 4. I agreed and we scheduled the weekend in August when T is done with baseball. I hadn't talked to T first and then I thought maybe I should do respite when T was with his dad so he didn't have to share his room with a 4 year old. I called T and his attitude was amazing. He told me that he didn't care either way and since I already scheduled it, to keep it! T ROCKS! I am so blessed. Looking forward to experience #2 (assuming nothing comes up between now and then) to go as smoothly as the first!

Bubba Recap

2011-06-27T22:11:00.000-04:00

We officially survived Bubba's stay. I have to admit that with less then two days left, I was ready to do bodily harm to him. When my previous post had been almost positive. I started to question whether or not I was a good person and how would I ever be able to be a foster parent. Granted I didn't harm Bubba. I didn't want to see him. I sent him to his cage. I raised my voice. How was I so intolerant and unaccepting? Was I to blame?

Here's what happened...Bubba had been out twice since 1:00a.m. with the most recent being 8a.m. My allergies kicked in hard and I took an allergy pill and went back to sleep. I woke to hear Bubba crunching. I listened intently and realized that it wasn't the sound of him eating his dog food. I got out of bed at 9:30a.m. and this is what I saw:

Bubba had helped himself to my blockbuster movies and mail pile that were stacked on the coffee table. Did you notice the movie title? The Dilemma. How convenient. And the other DVD was missing: The Mechanic. I found The Mechanic under the rug in one piece but scratched up. I had to purchase both movies from Blockbuster at $21.19 each. I suppose it could have been worse. I did eventually get over my anger and never did take it out on Bubba. I guess I just had too high of expectations for a 14 month old puppy - especially since it wasn't anything that I had left on the floor for him.

I have to admit for a quick minute I missed him staring at me every morning watching me get ready in the bathroom. Most of the time he was actually in the bathroom but sometimes I could feel a little less creeped out by him in the hallway.

We had a great reunion giving Bubba back to my mom. We enjoyed him trying on our sunglasses and trying to get pictures. We are looking forward to seeing him again, at his house!

Bubba & The Dog Wash

2011-06-10T01:02:00.000-04:00

Tonight T and I took Bubba to the dog wash. Of course, we went and checked it out post bowling, T's haircut, T's clothes shopping and shopping to pick up sundae toppings and beverages. The dog wash looked easy enough: like a car wash, but an indoor enclosed wash room with everything imaginable to wash your dog/pet. A minimum of $5 charge. We headed home to make quick sundaes and grab Bubba for the drive and adventure of the dog wash.

Bubba must have known something was going on. He wasn't heading in the direction of school for his morning field trip or to the ball fields. Within a mile from our destination he began whining consistently. We pulled up to the Dog Wash and parked in the Dog Wash Parking Spot.

We took Bubba inside and he eagerly walked up the dog ramp and into the wash basin. We connected him to the leash in the tub and put on our heavy duty (provided) aprons. We purchased .50 of "cookies" for Bubba to give him while we washed him. Our initial $5.00 allowed us to rinse, shampoo, condition and partially use the flea and tick rinse. Since we didn't add the extra money in the allotted time, we had to put in another minimum of $5.00. We added more flea and tick, rinsed and then used the cool blow dryer in addition to towel drying. The whole event lasted about 15 minutes, if that. Bubba was a real trooper and it was nice that the flooding of water happened on their floor, not my bathroom floor! Definitely a great experience and one I would recommend for pet owners.

Bubba all clean!

He loved the cookie treats too!

Welcome...Freshman

2011-06-08T08:07:00.000-04:00

As of today, I am officially the proud mother of a high school FRESHMAN! T has graduated 8th grade with flying colors. He continues to amaze me with his independence, academics, athletics and great sportsmanship.

He decided that he is taking an Honors and an Advanced Placement class next year. I love the possibility that he can test for college credits from the AP class, but more importantly that he will be challenged and more prepared for college than I felt I had been.

So my baby boy, my growing son, at fourteen now stands at 5'7.5" and 133 pounds. If nothing else, I will always have age over him, unfortunately not intelligence or looks!

Dog Sitting

2011-06-08T01:20:00.000-04:00

I have officially survived, but more importantly, my parents "puppy" has survived eight days of me dog sitting. Granted, the dog sitting isn't over, yet. For the most part, we have all managed quite well, but I won't be getting a dog anytime soon. Bubba, the 110#, black lab, 14.5 month puppy will be staying with us for another week. Here are a few things I have learned to date:

1. Dog sitting can be compared to foster care - taking care of someone else's loved one, adjusting to their behaviors and temperaments; attempting to teach, love and nurture while changing everything about your daily routine and lifestyle.

2. I confirm that I am not a morning person. Waking at 6:30a.m. to let Bubba out after taking him out at 1:15a.m. is not a welcomed opportunity.

3. Teaching a dog to not go outside without adult supervision/company is NOT a good idea. I am sure my neighbors can vouch as they probably prefer not to see me standing in a night gown in the back yard.

4. Watching a large dog mad hump his bed pillow is HYSTERICAL.

5. Putting the dog's leash under the bbq wheel is NOT a good idea when one is multi-tasking and the BF is standing by dumbfoundly watching said dog race to the neighbors. Watching said BF watch the said dog spaz out and drag the bbq grill while trying to free self is NOT entertaining.

6. Involving the dog in as much as possible is equally rewarding for the dog as almost everyone involved. Dog loves going for morning field trips to take T to school. He enjoys watching T's ball games and getting lots of attention from the crowd but gets easily frustrated that he hasn't figured out how to catch the balls hit on the field side of the fence.

7. Bubba is a WUSS. We had a trip to the local dog park on Sunday. He cowered by me almost the entire two hours fearing every other dog, especially dogs that were smaller than his paw! Oh what a BABY.

8. Being homebound hasn't been as difficult as I imagined, but definitely has been an adjustment. Of course having T around has been helpful, but when he is with his dad, that means it's just Bubba and Me. And well, I have to admit that I am getting a little irritated (runny eyes and headaches) from the dog smell. Looking forward to taking him to the dog wash soon, as long as I can be sure to not have to deal with the WET dog smell!

Sixty Five Years Old...

2011-06-08T01:06:00.000-04:00

Last week was my father's birthday. He turned SIXTY-FIVE. SIXTY. FIVE.

I have to admit that as of November 1, 2010, I would have bet money on the fact that he would turn 65. I would have bet money on the fact that he wouldn't live 65 days. Obviously, I was wrong. I am OK with being wrong, really I am. I am just not sure if being wrong in this case is...right.

I called my father on his birthday and left him a message. I purposely didn't wish him the usual "Happy Birthday" or "Hope you have a Happy Birthday". I am not one to lie, not very well at least and never intentionally. Happy is relative, and not in the related way as in wishing my father Happy any day. It just isn't possible. I can wish him a day better than the one before. I can wish him happiness, but I know that he has far outgrown and surpassed the ability to BE HAPPY.

He called me back. Our phone call was breathy and shallow. He gasped for breath. He grasped for words. He was failing at both. He was discharged from the hospital after SEVEN weeks. After TEN days home, he was taken back to the ER. According to my brother, he was given three options: 1) Go home and get strong for the LVAD (Seriously?), 2) Go home with Hospice & no Primacor IV (die in two weeks) or 3) Be admitted to the hospital with IV and die in August. Seems like a wide array of options, which is really feasible and realistic? I have no idea. The Social Worker never found the time or reason to return my calls.

My father is home. What does that mean? I have no idea. Each day is becoming more difficult. The Primacor is no longer as effective. The end is near. How near?

I wonder how I will feel when his end is here. I wonder how long it will be before I am notified. I wonder how I will be affected. The reality, I try not to wonder. When reality happens, I will no longer wonder. I will know.

Mother's Day

2011-05-11T22:48:00.000-04:00

My parents are snowbirds. They just returned from Florida last week and I had the opportunity to spend Mother's Day with my mom - even if only for just over a day! Anytime with my mom is wonderful, even if her repeated badgering and obsessing over a marinade for the meat on the kabobs was getting on my only nerve!

Unfortunately mom and I didn't get any pictures. T and I had a few photos and I have to say I wasn't a fan of any of the results. But I will keep them anyway as they are worth the memory in reviewing in retrospect. I have just become more than disappointed in myself and my lack of motivation in my appearance. I am hoping that the warmer weather will increase my desire to be more physically active and lose weight.

T, mom and I had fun making a variety of kabobs for dinner including vegetables, fruit, steak and chicken. They were super delicious and the company was fantastic!

Mom's Gift

Hope you had a fabulous Mother's Day and were able to share the day with loved ones!

Meeting Anniversary

2011-05-11T22:31:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow, May 12, 2011, will be the one year anniversary of meeting MS. We had chatted a few times online and on the phone before we met in person. We met at a Chinese restaurant where we talked for hours.

I wasn't immediately attracted to him. The idea of him being a full time parent to his son who had no relationship with his mother was daunting. We met again a few days later for our second date. The date went well, but again, I couldn't escape the fear of a full time parent. I didn't feel comfortable having him choose between time with me and time with his son. He assured me that he had a right to date and if it wasn't me, it would be someone. After our second date, I just couldn't do it. We didn't see each other again.

Until...October 2010. We have been dating since. I wish I could say that today I am more comfortable with him being a full time parent. I am not. Let me clarify. It isn't that I have an issue with him being a full time parent, I have the issue that he is an absent full time parent. His relationship with his 14 year old son is more representative of a roommate or friend than a parent or authority figure. Most weekends when MS works, his son would be at home, although more frequently he is gone staying with friends. Weekends when MS is home, his son is gone the entire weekend at friends. His son does seem to look forward to opportunities of visiting me and my son to go bowling or play board games. Quite a surprise for me!

Since October, his son has been suspended from school and broke his collar bone. He recently was involved in a skate board incident where we spent three hours in the medical center and required follow up orthodontist appointment for loose and misaligned teeth and a CT scan for concern of a brain bleed as he had visual head ticks. The police have been involved on at least two occasions as his son wasn't where he was suppose to be. Mother's Day was the most recent involvement. He hadn't been home since Saturday morning and his whereabouts were unknown Sunday evening. Apparently after asking his friend if he could move in with him and his grandmother and being told "no" the two teens took off. MS doesn't understand why his son wouldn't want to live with him as he has everything.

Everything but his dad's time, attention and interest. MS and I have talked about this on more than one occasion. Nothing changes.

MS is a good guy. He is laid back and easy going. I haven't seen anything of the contrary although he reports a different persona at work and apparently his son must see something different too. Am I missing something or do people have different perspectives from his different responsibilities?

My main concern remains. MS and I have opposite parenting styles and relationships with our children. I don't foresee this ever changing. We do have fun together and love each other. We get along extremely well. BUT...our boys are FOURTEEN. Do I really want to watch the downward spiral of their relationship for my own companionship for four years until our boys are "adults" or high school graduates? And then what?

I have always preferred the idea of a Mr. Right not a Mr. Right Now. But no one is perfect. When as individuals do we determine what is worth accepting and settling and what isn't?

Shallow or Sure?

2011-05-11T22:14:00.000-04:00

I have been extremely busy at work as of late. I seem to be accommodating clients and working a lot of late nights. I am always amazed how inflexible clients are, when I am helping them to achieve their goals, dreams and desires.

I have recently met with two married couples that sleep in opposite bedrooms. I understand separate bedrooms becomes more frequent in long-term relationships. Personally, I don't think that I could ever live with someone in a committed relationship if we didn't desire the companionship of each other or had snoring issues that affected our ability to sleep together. Maybe that's why I am still single, although I maintain that the only way my ex-husband and I could have remained married was if we lived in different states! One couple though, of 27 years have only shared a bedroom for six months. SIX. MONTHS. I couldn't imagine. What is even more difficult to comprehend is that for the past 21 years his "bedroom" is in the basement in a room the size of a closet wedged in the unfinished basement area of storage and the utility room. He has no desire to move up to the main sleeping quarters where there were three vacant bedrooms.

I was talking with a man today about his job and he mentioned he makes whitening strips. He asked if I wanted some. It flashed me back to a bad first meet/date I had a couple years ago where the guy offered to bring me whitening strips because it was where he worked too. I mentioned this to the man. He offered a name and I honestly couldn't recall. The first name might have been, but my description was dead on to who he had said. I felt shallow after describing him as short and obese and full of tattoos. But it was the truth.

Another recent experience I met a client's fiance. They met through eHarmony last August. They are getting married this month. Neither have ever been married. He is 40 and she is in her late 30's. As I sat with him interviewing him I couldn't help but feel shallow. He is a very nice man, but definitely not my type. He had bariatric surgery years ago and still has weight to lose (lost 200#'s already) plus as he calls it, the "apron" of excess skin that he believes is 50 pounds. He is also 5'5" tall and worked third shift. Is it shallow that makes us understand what we are attracted to or what we are looking for or is it a sense of being sure?

Father Update

2011-05-11T22:05:00.000-04:00

My father suffered a small stroke. He has regained some movement in his right hand with the assistance of physical therapy. He is finally able to walk small distances but he needs a walker or wheel chair for longer distances.

I called the nurses' station last week to learn that he had been moved. The nurse didn't know or wouldn't disclose where he was moved to. I contacted my Aunt and she had heard from my Uncle the previous day that my father was being moved to a physical therapy floor. I emailed my Uncle and am now on his mailing list, which gets me involved in the drama as he makes sure that "A" receives all correspondence as does everyone else who is on his mailing list when he emails her. It is entertaining to be an observer for a while.

I left a message for my father's Social Worker with the temporary Social Worker. She called me back days later and left a message. I missed her call and she was unavailable thirty minutes later. That was Friday. I still have not heard from her. I guess nurse Social Workers don't have the same Standard of Promptness that I have. I meant to call the Social Worker sooner but I mistakenly called my father instead. Fortunately his wife wasn't with him at the time and our conversation was fine.

He anticipates being on the physical therapy floor - where PT is DUMB and the response time of staff is almost non-existent for a week. He will then move into his wife's new handicapped accessible apartment for up to 6 weeks before the LVAD. Personally, I think the return to the apartment is the hospital's way of testing if they are vested in therapy, medication and follow through. My father did say that "A" is frustrated that she can't get to see him at the hospital when she wants due to transportation issues.

Hmmm...so how would that make them good recipients of an LVAD?

Home Improvements: Hallway

2011-05-11T20:29:00.000-04:00

MS, my bf has some serious OCD issues, with my house. Every time he comes over, he points out every flaw - from painting issues, unsunk nails, too high light switches, not enough switches...you name it, he points it out. One day he managed to point out a color spot on my bedroom ceiling, a blue color on the kitchen ceiling and then peeling paint in the front entrance.

He scraped the ceiling, which then managed to be half of the ceiling which would require new paint. Unfortunately the ceiling paint I had was different texture and due to the cold temperature in the entrance dried and cracked requiring more scraping and a whole new ceiling paint job (to be done later). The imaginary blue in the kitchen that I painted over can now be seen as a different ceiling white. The nails that he sunk under the window trim then meant that I had to sink all of them in the trim around the bathroom, which meant I was leaning on a ladder and balancing the thought of falling while filling in nail holes. All of his LITTLE jobs and negativity means BIG projects for me as they aren't quick fixes.

The next time he came over, he started on why the hallway only had one light switch. What hallway only has ONE switch? SERIOUSLY? I had had it. I couldn't handle the constant criticism and negativity. I didn't build the house! The house was built in the late 20's! I have been in it for 11 years, but it is not perfect. I am NOT perfect. Please try to be positive! I told him so. And, 30 minutes later his son asked why the light switch in the bathroom was so high! Sigh...

I did finally manage to repaint the hallway - the only area in my house to have NOT been painted (well except inside closets!). I had avoided the hallway in all it's off white and dirty glory with SEVEN doorways and SIX doors. I vacillated on colors and finally settled on a tan along the yellow spectrum, Toasted Almond. I also removed all the toe molding and replaced it along with repainting all of the doors white. I painted the coat hook and shelf and updated the hooks and added an additional. It is so nice to just not see all the dirt and discoloration anymore. So at peace...so wonderful what a coat of paint can accomplish!

Shower Curtain Update

2011-05-11T20:26:00.000-04:00

NEWS FLASH....NEWS FLASH.....

I have not changed either bathroom shower curtain in almost TWO MONTHS! TWO. MONTHS.

I am considering changing the main bathroom, but I really do like the orange. It just makes me feel calm and at peace. One day though. One day soon, I am sure I will change it out. I am thinking pink for spring. And seeing how much I LOVE pink, I am thinking of no change!

Financial Freedom

2011-05-11T20:21:00.000-04:00

After Spring Break I continued to have issues with my car making "new" noises. My car literally felt like the tires were going to fall off and the noise was worse than nails on a chalkboard! I finally took my car back to the same shop that had replaced my tie rod and arm bushings. They reported that additional bushings needed to be replaced as well as my strut mounts. Fortunately the new repairs were minimal in cost and I was on my way with my new noiseless car!

Today I made my final monthly payment on the basement remodel! I am excited that I am done with the monthly payments and the thought that I might have missed a payment and be responsible for the interest from my interest free year! I am looking forward to the extra cash flow and new opportunities!

Movie Muse

2011-05-11T20:04:00.000-04:00

I did it again, I rented a movie recently that I had previously rented in September! Although when I picked it up at T's request and frustration of all the PG13 movies I had watched without him, I did think I had already watched the movie. Unfortunately it was a movie I gave 1.5 out of 5 stars. Oh well, I am running thin on movies to rent as of late.

I am not a big Jim Carey fan. I admit I have probably watched a great majority of his movies, but not with great enthusiasm. The other day I rented, "I Love You Phillip Morris".

This movie exacerbates the importance of details and expectations. Granted, I didn't have high expectations and I couldn't recall what the description summary on the box had been. During the opening credits I was half paying attention while playing a game of spades online. I saw the actors and then I saw, "It really did." in the clouds of the opening. I wondered what really did. I considered rewinding the DVD to see what I missed in that split moment and decided it probably wasn't important.

Fifteen minutes into the movie, I had had enough. While I am not homophobic, something about Jim Carey screaming out his desire to be a "FAGGOT" was almost revolting. His prancing and parading his new gay life from his quiet suburban married life was all too much for me to find entertaining. But...I didn't turn the movie off. I proceeded to watch the whole movie. At the end of the movie, I read the closing text about Phillip Morris and Steve Russo.

The movie was based on FACT.

My favorite type of movie. I was amused by the ending. I watched the section of the DVD on the making of the movie. I wished that I had taken the moment to rewind the movie to realize that the movie was real and it happened. It really did.

What a different perspective I have on the movie knowing that it was based on true events. That Jim Carey portrayed Steven Russo, a con-man who is serving time in prison with his earliest release of 2140. Who knew that one second of a movie would have such an impact?

Spring Break 2011

2011-05-11T19:53:00.000-04:00

How long ago Spring Break seems. It has been just over a month since we returned from our trip to Branson, Missouri. We purchased seasons passes to Silver Dollar City and were able to attend for the weekend of the Youth Christian weekend as well as the first day of World Fest.

Cave @ Silver Dollar City

The weather was very nice and it was much needed to see sun and feel warmth. T and I got along fabulously. Our two bedroom condo was really a "lock out" which was a one bedroom unit and a studio unit joined with a locked door. So basically, T had his own apartment for a week. The condo was more than sufficient for the two of us.

T's Room

The week went by far too quickly with lazy mornings and attending shows. We attended a vacation club program which of course I had to purchase. I still have yet to determine if it is scandalous - but afterall vacations are my passion. I can never travel or venture enough and if I can have access to better deals than I can find, it is well worth my dollar. Of course by going to the presentation we received many free and discounted show tickets that entertained us throughout the week. We attended the Haygoods (a family of musicians and singers), a variety show that was very entertaining that their name escapes me and a Chinese acrobatic show that we both could have done without! We attended another property presentation at T's request where we received $100 in WalMart gift cards and T got half.

We played miniature golf, checked out Branson's landing and attempted fishing. The week went by entirely way too fast! We stopped in St. Louis and went to the top of the Arch and went to the City Museum. We had a blast at the Museum and I would highly recommend it! We also went to the aquarium in the museum and T had a blast getting his "manicure" by the fish that nibbled on him!

City Museum - Outside - St. Louis, Missouri

St. Louis Arch

T's Manicure

I didn't once regret my decision to not vacation with MS. We texted and talked on the phone throughout our entire vacation, but I just felt that T and I had a much more relaxed and enjoyable time on our own.

Breakable

2011-04-15T01:36:00.000-04:00

Tears well up in my eyes. I fight to keep them from slowly sliding down my cheeks. I try to think of pleasant things. I try to imagine that I am tough, strong and invincible. I am not. I loose the battle. The tear falls quickly. Then one after another in rapid succession. I try to lick them away before they land making a small wet spot soon to become a pool of tears. I wipe my face. I wish I was stronger. I wish I wasn't affected. I wish that words weren't so hurtful. My wishes go unanswered.

I received an email tonight from my father's wife, delivered at 7:13p.m. The subject, "your dad". The content, "Your dad had a stroke. A"

Let me rewind to what has transpired between this last post and the above email. I have attempted to "play nice". I have become the passive listener, no questions, supporter as much as possible in correspondence with his wife. Somehow, I managed to get on her mass phone texting updates as adding me to the email list was too difficult. Clearly, I am not included on much of communication. Blessing in many ways of course but a curse in others. See, not having control or information of a situation is brutal for me. I am left feeling like the abandoned child left cowering in the dark corner waiting for permission to be included. To no longer be shunned. To understand the whys of the punishment and yet thankful for the solace of the lack of torture.

On vacation I happened to receive an "oops" text from A at 4:28a.m. that read, "Oops! Put in wrong area code to X's ph no. Here are phone numbers to contact him to wish him well his rm no. Is good until Thiursday. Please vall him & weish hio. Well. (cell) 1 XXX XXX XXXX (Rm) 1 XXX XXX XXXX. I will be in Fl packing up & he needs all the support he can get now." Her previous text had been sent at 4:40p.m. the afternoon before and had listed the wrong area code for his cell phone he has had for years. As I keep my phone on at night for emergencies, I was not happy to receive the text. I wondered if she had been drinking.

Hours later of no sleep, I texted her the following, "A unless it is mid-day or an emergency, please do not send texts, emails are fine. I do not appreciate general texts at 428a.m. Thank you." Her response, "Did it wake you up? No prob....no more texts to you...." I should have left it at that, but I responded, "Yes it did and I have been up ever since." Which she responded, "Awwwww" That last text was received on April 4, 2011.

I have talked with my father on the phone once since those texts. He told me his LVAD surgery was changed from 4/8 to 4/11. He hoped his wife would be back from Florida by then. His prostate cancer scare was negative.

On 4/11, I called the hospital Social Worker and learned he didn't have surgery. My brother is getting calls and texts from A but I no longer am. I am aware of strained emails between relatives, my brother and A. I am somewhat thankful I am not included in the drama.

On 4/14, A sends out a mass email saying that my father is currently in surgery for a "carotid (sp) artery repaired with a stint". He should be back in his room by 1p.m. with the LVAD to be scheduled in two weeks. I hear nothing until I receive the email:

7:13p.m. Subject "your dad" "Your dad had a stroke. A"

I call my brother and leave a message. I call my aunt and leave a message. I call A and get her voicemail. I call my father's room and a woman answers. I ask for A. The woman says, "This is A." I respond, "Hi A. it is M." She interjects and says, "Your dad is sleeping. I will tell him you called. Good bye." She hangs up the phone.

I cry. I curse. Is this really what it has come to?

I gather myself and with help I find the number for the hospital. I call and am transferred to the Nurse's Station. I ask for information about my father and I am told that he has to give permission for me to speak with a nurse. I am put on hold. I cry more knowing that if SHE has any say, I will learn nothing. I will be told nothing.

To my surprise, the nurse returns quickly and says that he said OK. The nurse tells me that my father's surgery went well. A CAT scan was completed and there was no sign of a stroke; however, his right wrist and hand are showing weakness. The stent is working. His blood sugar is 140. He didn't have 12 biopsies on his prostate that he reported to me on the phone, but the biopsy was negative. The LVAD isn't scheduled yet. There was nothing else to be reported or to inquire. I am given permission to contact the Nurse's station directly with inquires.

My dad is doing better than he was yesterday before the stent, despite some hand weakness. The blood flow is drastically improved.

A managed to text and call my brother. She textedLVAD? Who am I to have these thoughts?

Funerals can be a time to mourn and rejoice the life of a loved one. Funerals are to support and love those left behind. In early November, I said goodbye to my dad. To the shell of the man that still resembles my dad. I see no reason to be at a funeral for HER.

I am breakable. I am weak. I am no longer his little girl. I am a mother. I am a woman. And while I shed tears and struggle with being tough and strong, I am not.

I am tired of shedding tears. I am so very tired...

Fostering

2011-03-27T12:23:00.001-04:00

As of now, I still haven't had a foster home placement. It has been six months. I am perfectly OK with this! There were a couple that I considered, but definitely not what I was interested or became licensed.

On Saturday, as a favor to one of my foster homes, I offered to do "respite" for two boys, 10 and 12. I have met the boys twice before. They came over at 6:00a.m. and left at 4:30p.m. Everyone got along well and the visit went fine. Of course, I can't say that I have really experienced foster parenting at this point. Just a long day of hanging out and free babysitting.

But nothing like sticking your toes in the brisk great lake and feeling how cold it is. Maybe some day I will warm up to the idea and dive right in...maybe.

Father Update

2011-03-27T12:19:00.000-04:00

My father is officially back in Michigan. He and his wife flew into town on Friday night. He has an appointment ("eval") on Monday at the University of Michigan hospital where his wife hopes he takes up "residence". He will be out of his IV Primacor as of 5p.m. Monday, but his wife has "no worries". By moving up to Michigan, they ended Hospice's involvement.

As of now, they are staying in a hotel about 40 minutes away from UofM. Neither of them drive. As of yesterday, my father was unaware how he was getting to his appointment. They have a "hi" luncheon planned for this afternoon across the state. I had talked to T about going and decided that we wouldn't. Worked out well considering my car issues and the advisement to not drive to "Detroit or Chicago", my first "respite" foster child experience, and other obligations. Apparently they anticipate 40 people, but yet neither my father or his wife even considered that maybe they see their daughter or grandson outside of a mass gathering at an Applebees. So why should we drive 5.5 hours roundtrip for an hour lunch?

T received a birthday card and gift card in the mail on Friday. I talked with my father yesterday and told him T would be calling to thank him. T didn't (I can only nag so much!). So after the movie today I told T he had to call and give thanks. T wanted to shower first. NO.

I gave T Grandpa's cell phone number. He called from his room. His side of the conversation went like this, "Hi Grandma A, it is T. Grandma A it is T. Hello? Grandma A?" Then he said, "Well that went well. Grandma A hung up on me."

Seriously? So I use my son as "a pawn" and they don't even have the audacity to listen to him when he calls but hang up on him?

So I called from my phone and immediately my father answered. Not A. Not his wife. So clearly, she avoids MY calls at all expense, but another cell phone call (which is registered under MY name) she answers. Whatever. I tell my father that T just called and A hung up on him. That he will be calling back from his phone. My father said OK. No admittance of what had transpired. No apology. Whatever.

T called back and this time Grandpa answered the phone. They talked for about ten minutes.

Is this really FAMILY?

Car & Vacation

2011-03-27T12:10:00.000-04:00

As if right on cue, my car decided it is going to have some issues. Totally OK with it, because I suppose we all need some fine tuning every so often and afterall my car will be 10 years old this year!

T and I finalized our vacation plans. We had been kicking around some ideas after we saw the last minute availability of inventory of my timeshare. But with a last minute change of plans, MS and his son will not be going with us. I am still struggling somewhat with the decision to not have them go, but I know that it is for the best.

MS's son not only broke his collar bone a few weeks back after getting slammed into a locker by "a friend" and is in a sling, but he was suspended from school for five days for bringing a pocket knife to school. MS and I definitely have different parenting skills. When I first met him, after our second date I decided we shouldn't go out again as MS has his son full time. No other parent involvement. Zero. Zilch. Nada. I just don't do full time parenting, especially of someone elses child. So after the latest incident and not seeing MS very often, 10 days of road tripping and a vacation didn't seem like a good idea.

So T and I will be heading about 11.5 hours south, hopefully warmer. Somewhere we went four years ago that for the first time in a decade they saw snowflakes during April. Hopefully we won't have that experience this time!

With MS not going on vacation, that means that I am driving my car. I considered a rental, but knew regardless the latest thunking noise needed to be assessed. Good thing I took it in. Another tie rod replacement and both arm bushings. Could have been MUCH worse.

So looking forward to a repaired car and another vacation adventure with just T and me!

Bedroom Redo

2011-03-17T23:43:00.000-04:00

Over seven years ago, I repainted my bedroom. I didn't have a choice and it was actually a good thing since I had to cover over the random primer that had been painted by the ex. Since the ceiling needed to be painted, I had this great idea to paint it. Paint it the same color as the walls. And that painting of the ceiling and the ceiling fan were enough reasons to not repaint. But the seven year itch happened.

My room was purple. Initially I thought the color I purchased was brown, but after painting, it was purple. I learned how similar brown, purple and pink look depending on the lighting. I even tried to accent the past few years to pull out brown, but was primarily unsuccessful.

THE BEFORE

I had hoped to paint my room a milk chocolate. Then one day last week I woke up and decided I didn't want brown. I feared another purple/pink debacle. I feared that there isn't one true brown color and that what I painted would be completely different than comforters I was trying to match. I decided I wanted a pale blue but when I played around on Sherwin Williams with my room I was appalled at the new look. The next morning I woke and wanted a gold/bronze color that was shimmery and was told at the paint store that without doing a faux finish, not possible. I was trying to pull out the colors in the comforter. Then, I decided to go with the taupe. A darker grey/brown. I also picked up a couple pictures at Meijer with my 15% off, new linen color blinds on clearance and moved a picture from my living room into my bedroom to complete the room.

Brown- with the flash (not true color)

Bedroom 3/2011 Without Flash

I am glad to have a color different than purple! It is definitely not what I had imagined for my room over the past couple years. The brown above with the flash is very close to what I had wanted initially. I like the color and am welcoming the change. While I despised painting the ceiling, I do like having a white ceiling again! Now if only the paint fumes would dissipate a little faster, all would be perfect!

Bathroom Curtain Changes

2011-03-17T22:52:00.000-04:00

I am beginning to realize that I really have an issue with my shower curtain purchasing. I had myself convinced that I was improving and moving beyond changing the curtains after adding the new bathroom, but I was in DENIAL.

Even T said tonight, "Mom, you have a serious problem with shower curtains."

I have purchased four shower curtains since mid-February. In three weeks, I have purchased four. Granted one of them was the clearance Valentine's Day curtain.

Tonight I switched out both bathroom shower curtains. I had initially put the safari curtain in the upstairs bath and realized that it didn't pull out any of the wall color and looked beyond ridiculous. So I moved it immediately into the basement bathroom where it matches much better. Of course it's hard to see the entire curtain in the shower and to maneuver to get a good picture in such a small space!

Safari Curtain

Stripes

I moved the orange accents upstairs to go with this new striped shower curtain that will go in both bathrooms. I have to say that the photo doesn't do it justice.

I suppose I could have worse purchasing addictions than reduced shower curtains...right?

Tubal Ligation & Cauterization

2011-03-03T20:22:00.000-05:00

I will never have another biological child. Since making my decision and scheduling my appointment for my tubal ligation and cauterization, I had many thoughts of whether or not I was making the right decision.

I met with a family for work that was inquiring about foster parenting due to failed attempts at fertility and the financial costs of international and domestic adoption. I sat in their living room and wondered if I had the right to choose not to bring a life into this world. If I wanted to conceive, since I have never tried, would I be able? I also have a cousin that has fertility issues. Could I be a surrogate?

I suppose all questions that are normal when making the decision to permanently end the chance of my reproduction. Almost fourteen years later, I am completely sure that I want to make that choice. That I don't want to start over and give birth to my child. And with that, yesterday I had a tubal ligation.

D attended the appointment with me. Clearly D is not a fan of the hospital where my procedure was. She had many questions and even offered that we could flee before I went under the knife! I also learned that despite answering four times that I hadn't consumed any food or drink in twelve hours, that making a joke about eating four donuts for breakfast is not funny. The nurse said that I would be immediately discharged if that was the case.

I don't remember much of the procedure. I know that many doctors came to talk to me before I was taken back for surgery. I know that the IV smelled and hurt when it was inserted. I know that the nurse said I had "good blood" as she wiped from my fingertips up to my hand. I know the burning sensation that coursed my vein when the medicine was added to my IV. I recall the trip down to the surgery room. I recall the order to breathe from the oxygen mask. And then I recall being pushed into the recovery room where D sat patiently waiting.

While I have never had the dream to be an exotic dancer, those dreams are crushed if I ever wanted to give a lap dance due to my incision above the pelvic bone. Although I haven't removed the bandaids yet to see how large or small the sutures are. I did have the quick moment of panic in pre-op that I hadn't cleaned my belly button lately and maybe the incision would cause belly button lint to fall into my body thereby giving me an allergic reaction to dust that I could die. SERIOUSLY. I even considered seeing if they had a q-tip available, but I managed to refrain. Good thing, since I am still alive!

The surgery apparently went fine. I was given a prescription for vicodin which I didn't pick up. I considered doing so today but decided why fill another script I have no intention on using? I came home and ate and then laid down. I drifted in and out of sleep for about four hours. Then I was wide awake for the next 7 hours watching movies, television and playing cards before I attempted bed sometime after 2a.m. I laid wide awake for the next four hours. I was up at 7:20a.m., about an hour after sleep. I managed to fall back asleep briefly before getting up for good.

Other than some ibuprofen, I have been fine. The sutures have itched, but everything seems to be going well. I have been on some high of accomplishment today (even questioning if I am manic!) as I went to Kohl's, got the car washed and went grocery shopping before coming home to give T breakfast and take him to school at 11:00a.m. for his late start. Then I was off to swap movies at blockbuster and back home to wash dishes, sweep the kitchen floor, clean T's room and talk to JA. While talking to JA I decided I needed to paint the bedroom and closet door inside that was bothering me and then proceeded to paint the door frame, the window frame in the bathroom and touch up paint in the hallway. I finally put the paint away and washed down the doors and door jams in the hallway. I then put away dishes and vacuumed. I ate lunch and then sat down to watch Due Date. I made it through almost the entire movie (which I so DON'T recommend) before going to pick up T from school and come back to meet with the foster home licensers to renew my provisional license.

After they left, we finished watching Due Date and then watched Life As We Know It. Then it was on to dinner and dishes. Now downtime and American Idol.

Whatever do I have left to do tomorrow while I have the day off to complete my recovery?

Shower Curtain Comfort

2011-03-03T20:02:00.000-05:00

I had blogged about purchasing orange towels and a toilet lid cover and rug around the toilet. I purchased a floor rug as well. Despite the small size of the downstairs bathroom, I managed to fit the large floor rug in and adorn the bath with orange. I put back up the orange and olive circular shower curtain. I have to say that I love, love, love the color orange and how it looks!

Yesterday while I waited in pre-op at the hospital I received a text from one of my girlfriends. She told me not to get too excited but Kohl's had Valentine's shower curtains on clearance for $7. Of course I couldn't head there at the moment, but I did make time first thing this morning to get to Kohl's.

As I needed to spend my Kohl's cash, what better than on another shower curtain? At first I didn't find it, but I soon did. I managed to get two red hand towels with hearts, a heart rug and the shower curtain. I also picked up another shower curtain on clearance that is striped that will match both bathrooms. Of course I spent more than my $20 Kohl's cash, but so well worth it.

Now if only I can find my Shower Curtain Anonymous class, I think things are getting out of hand! I am running out of room on my shelf for all of my curtains and rug ensembles. Or maybe I should embrace it and start a meetup group for other shower curtain hoarders!

T & Communication

2011-03-03T19:50:00.000-05:00

For anyone who has followed my blog or read it, you are well aware that I have a teenage son, T. T has begun the final countdown until his 14th birthday. He recites the clothes that he is getting that have been tried on and purchased over the past month or so.

He is intelligent and articulate. He is almost responsible. He IS a good kid. He is after all a KID.

T and I have decent communication skills. I would even say that they are better than decent, that is until I realize that we aren't on the same page. That maybe it should be better. Maybe if I knew the right questions to ask without sounding like the psycho and/or nagging mother.

How exactly does a parent know when to ask the right questions and when to wait to be asked or told? When is a matter of meddling versus being concerned and interested?

Tonight at the dinner table I asked T what he thought of dinner. I tried a new fresco chicken sausage and wanted feedback. Personally, I didn't like it as much as the apple chicken sausage, but it wasn't bad. I had grilled it and sliced it on top of angel hair pasta with spaghetti sauce and fresh sauteed green peppers, onions and mushrooms. He didn't answer. I rephrased the question. He still didn't answer.

Then he said, "When do I get my retainer off?"

T has had a permanent retainer for several years as Phase I of his braces. The four frontal braces were removed almost two years ago, it's so hard to keep track of the time these days. To be honest, I am not really sure of the purpose of his retainer. I ask him why.

He replies, "Because it is hard to swallow."

There are tears welling in his eyes. He is struggling to swallow the pasta. He tells me this has been happening for...A MONTH. A MONTH?

I am so glad that he chooses to tell me now, a month later on a Thursday night. The orthodontist is closed on Friday. He has already gone a month, what is the rush to get him in soon?

Why is it that just when I might think I have this parenting gig under wrap, I get blindsided with another confirmation that I don't?

Chicago & Chocolate Walking Tour II

2011-02-21T20:14:00.000-05:00

Last weekend was a whirlwind trip to the windy city, Chicago to participate in the walking Chocolate tour. Three of us went and had a fabulous time!

We met some great people from the waiter at Frontera Grill, Rick Bayless' restaurant. We had a great time and D being the huge R.B. fan was beyond ecstatic when he made a quick appearance by walking into the restaurant! The train ride home was fun after meeting the cousins that were heading home to Columbus, Indiana. We even talked about a road trip to visit them in upcoming months! Of course there was the initiated contact I had with an officer for directions who later found our girlfriend and asked her if she would stay the night and entertain him!

We had some fantastic food and great chocolate! Fortunately with all the walking we did, we offset the great treats! Here are some that we managed to take pictures of before devouring:

Frontera Grill: Appetizer Plate for three

More: Double Chocolate Mini Cupcakes

Cityscape: Grilled Seafood Salad (octopus & calamari w/arugula & fennel)

Cityscape: Scallop & Shrimp Ceviche

Cityscape: Ricotta Cheesecake (amaretto, strawberries & raspberries)

Cityscape: Dark Chocolate w/macaroons

Frontera Grill: Duo De Flanes (dark chocolate w/red chili bacon and vanilla) & Homemade Ice Cream (Vanilla & Coffee with goat milk caramel and hot fudge)

Bathroom Assessment Results

2011-02-21T19:38:00.000-05:00

In October I posted about the City requesting to visit my house for a new assessment after the permits for the bathroom addition here. Then on 10/28, I received the short visit from the assessor.

I finally received the notice in the mail over the weekend: Notice of Assessment, Taxable Valuation (including Leasehold Improvements) and Property Classification.

My taxable value increased $2665 and my Assessed value increased by $3100. I can't wait to see how much it will affect my taxes. I would prefer to keep the taxes the same and be ineligible for the homestead property tax refund, but maybe I will finally be eligible.

It is nice to know that the value of the home has increased despite the housing market.

Shower Curtain 19+

2011-02-21T19:27:00.000-05:00

Surprisingly even though I have counted my shower curtains, I have absolutely no recollection of how many I really have. With the new addition of the basement shower and three curtains solely for that bathroom, I am sure I am easily into the twenties, but who is really counting?

Last Friday I stopped into Kohl's on my lunch break. I had a 30% off coupon (although I learned that if you LIE and say you had one and left it at home, they will honor it!) and wanted to buy some new black pants for my Chicago trip.

Before I made my way to the women's section, I picked up some lounge/sleep pants for T for his birthday and then stopped in the clearance shoe area. Two pair of boots later - both great steals and one a pair of knee high black heels - I found myself in the bathroom section. Besides, seeing that I bought boots, I could find a dress or something to wear in Chicago with the boots rather than dull black pants!

Bathroom areas, clearance sections and 30% off are NOT a good mix for me! I found myself buying three different color rug sets, two sets of hand towels, two sets of bath towels in two colors, a garbage can and a shower curtain!

In my steal of deals, I managed to leave Kohl's without black pants, new bathroom paraphernalia, two pairs of boots and Kohl's cash to return next week!

So here is the latest shower curtain with two of the three rug sets. The third set would also match as it is orange, but I decorated the basement bath.

Customer Service FAIL

2011-02-15T20:45:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I posted this picture of the dozen chocolate covered strawberries that my boyfriend had sent to my work. At the time of my posting, I hadn't actually tried one of them. I was utterly disappointed as the strawberries were over ripe and rather gross in taste. I didn't dare tell my boyfriend, but I did decide to contact the company.

I spent some time on their website and immediately noticed that the strawberries I received didn't look like the pictures. They weren't "dipped" they were dunked! I read a page of reviews - many of similar complaints of appearance and freshness. Instead of posting a comment on the wall of the website, I emailed customer service the following (I am omitting the name of the company):

Sent: Feb 15, 2011 7:09:43 AM

Subject: Dozen Chocolate Covered Strawberries

To Whom It May Concern:

I received a dozen chocolate covered strawberries yesterday as a surprise from my boyfriend! I was so impressed with his ability to keep a secret and a wonderful surprise!

The packaging and strawberries looked very good and tasty - however after looking at your website, I was surprised that they were not as the pictures and being "dipped". Regardless, the presentation was pretty - almost too good to eat.

Having said that, the presentation was MUCH better than the taste. The strawberries were over ripe and tasted fermented. I ate three, hoping that I just had a bad first strawberry. Unfortunately, two of the three were over ripe that I have no desire to eat or share the remaining.

I won't tell my boyfriend about the quality of the berries because I truly love that he surprised me with a great gift. I just wish that the taste was better.

Very disappointed,
XXX
Ref: XXX100-A8F-1
Gift order#: XXX588

_________________________________________________________________________

Their response was TWO WORDS:

>>> "XXX Berries Customer Care" wecare@customercare.berries.com> 02/15/11 5:49 PM >>

Best Regards,

CS William B.
Customer Care
XXXX's Berries

_________________________________________________________________________

At 8:07p.m. I emailed CS William the following:

Clearly CS William B., you need to change your email address from "wecare" to we could care less.

Karma my friend. Karma...Way to treat your customers with respect.

Best Regards to you...

________________________________________________________________________

What happened to Customer Service? I didn't even ask for anything. I simply went out of my way to email a personal letter rather than post on a company website my disappointment.

Trust me, I want to disclose the name of the company as I wouldn't summarize that all companies selling chocolate covered strawberries should be used with caution, but I will refrain. But be sure on this, I WILL NEVER, EVER purchase dipped strawberries and definitely never order anything from this California based company.

Happy Valentines Day

2011-02-14T18:48:00.000-05:00

I had a great weekend spent with the bf and our kids. Everyone got along extremely well (THANK YOU sans teen cell phone!) and we worked on looking at vacation options, together.

When the BF and his son arrived to the house on Friday night, I was greeted with:

A dozen roses

Today my BF had a dozen covered strawberries delivered to my work:

A dozen covered strawberries

Chicago & Chocolate Tour

2011-02-11T09:25:00.000-05:00

My girlfriend D mentioned going to Chicago to take the walking Chocolate Tour. While not exactly part of my new plan to lose ten pounds by Spring Break, everything - chocolate included - can be consumed in moderation. Of course the moderation is what I have issues with, but that's neither here nor there.

We discussed the possibilities of the tour with the new women's group we have been attending. Several were interested. Of course interest and follow through are two completely different things, but that's OK too!

So the plans are in the making to make a weekend overnight trip to the Windy City including the Chocolate walking tour, a couple great dining locales and staying out of too much mischief! The options are endless including the transit from driving, train or local transit and for those that want a day trip, overnight to weekend.

Interested?

Educational Music

2011-02-11T09:14:00.000-05:00

Over the years, I have always been impressed with educational songs that teach. My son and I have an ongoing joke about such songs and I feel blessed for the artists that can influence the young.

Here are some examples:

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

B-A-N-A-N-A-S

G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S

Pretty impressive don't you think? My son was actually quite young when he first heard these songs. And honestly - as I typed them out, I was singing the spelling in my mind. Catchy aren't they?

But today, I was MOST impressed with the latest new listen of an educational song by none other than Lady Gaga:

H-I-M

I'm almost rendered speechless! Almost...What educational songs and lessons have been impressionable to you?

Valentine Goodie Part III

2011-02-11T09:07:00.000-05:00

Last night I posted about my brownie debacle here. After cutting out the two hearts, I called it a night and went to bed.

I do have to admit, I am a pretty tough critic, especially on myself. This morning while my son was making his lunch for school I asked him if he tried the brownies.

He said, "Why didn't you use the peanut butter chips? It doesn't taste peanut buttery."

Well that's because I had to default and make the brownies as I was missing the heavy cream for the fudge. So I inquired as to what he thought. He said, "I didn't really get a good piece and using the cookie cutter was hard as it was so thick! It tasted like a brownie. It's pretty good."

So I sampled them again. And true to fact, they were actually pretty good. The brownie is still a little soft but definitely not as easy to cut into heart shapes with the cutter! Fortunately I was able to mold them into the cutters and push them out.

Needless to say, after getting on the scale, I ate quite a few of the brownies that couldn't mold into the cutters! I even brought one in for my co-worker and gave it to her with a note.

But don't think that I won't be getting a box of Betty Crocker or Duncan Hines to add to the box of sweets. Afterall, foolproof and 1/10th the cost! Speaking of foolproof, did I mention that's what the fudge is called? Can't wait for the story on that baking adventure, Can You?

Brother's 40th Birthday Boxes

2011-02-11T00:57:00.000-05:00

Last week I posted about what I wanted to do for my brother's Big 40th Birthday gift here. I finished the gift and unlike my baking adventures of tonight, it turned out the way I had anticipated. ALMOST.

So here in order of all of the sugary goodness, are 40 boxes of cereal with an example of the $1 taped.

40 Boxes of SUGAR Cereal

And on the other side of the money is the birthday wish for my Brother.

Saying on one side, folded dollars on other side

I was a little concerned about what type of box to package the gift in. I used an empty copy paper box from work, which had ample room left over! I filled the extra space with lots of tissue paper so that the boxes would stay in order of the greeting. Then, I sealed up the box with packaging tape. I covered the box writing with paper bag and packaging tape. I addressed the box.

And just to be sure that this adventure was so true to form of me, I realized after sealing everything, I didn't actually purchase a birthday card. Or leave a personal note and sign love and from his sister and nephew. Oops. Not that he can't figure it out from the greeting on the boxes, but still. I wasn't about to reopen the package. Oh well, as is.

I did look for a good 40th card today that I could just mail since I paid the $10 shipping fee for the box and sent it on the way. I didn't find anything and decided he is capable of reading the greeting and understanding the meaning and money, right?

Oh shit...I think I will be getting a card this weekend and dropping it in the mail!

Valentine Goodie Part II: EPIC FAIL

2011-02-11T00:41:00.000-05:00

So before the final baking debacle was complete, I posted this. Of course part of the reason for wanting to get the Valentine baking out of the way tonight was I wanted to bring in a small goodie bag for a co-worker that had a rough day. I figured she would enjoy something sweet. My honest intention wasn't to kill her!

Brownies right from the oven

So as you can see, my brownies don't look like the picture on the recipe card. Not even remotely. As I mentioned, the filling was swimming! Then with the difference of the baking pan, I added five minutes more bake time, but as you can see the sides were beginning to brown. While the toothpick wasn't completely clean, I was afraid I would end up with burnt brownies if I baked much longer. I attempted to be patient to let them cool.

Then I used my new cookie cutter for the large heart and a small one I already had. The brownie was still very warm and didn't come out of the "prepared pan" as well as I hoped as it was pretty soft. The smaller heart almost looks like the recipe picture, but the larger one, not so much.

Heart Shaped Surprise Brownies (Just like the picture - NOT)

While they look good enough to eat, the taste? Ummm...yeah, I think I'll buy the boxed stuff afterall. I broke my vow to not eat anything after 9p.m. because I can't give out brownies that taste terrible, Can I?

Sometimes it's the thought that counts right? Yeah I'm sure my co-worker will totally get that I attempted to make her fudge but couldn't without the heavy cream so I wanted to make her a brownie. And yeah, I f'd that up too. But here's pictures to prove I attempted? Yeah, that will go over like a ton of flying bricks.

Or better yet...A ton of flying brownies!

(On a completely random side note - I'm still LOVING my dishes that MS gave me for Christmas!)

Valentines (Not So) Goodie...

2011-02-10T23:31:00.001-05:00

Two years ago was the first time I was creative and managed to give a Valentine gift. I went all out, let me tell you, as can be witnessed here. But for those that don't want to check it out, in summary, I decorated brownie bites (that I purchased at Sams Club) with chocolate and strawberry frosting and put a hug or kiss on the top. Not very creative for most, but most impressive for ME.

This year I had this great idea in my mind (damn mind, never a good thing to use, always a good thing to waste!) of what I wanted to do this year. I wanted to make sweets that were peanut butter and chocolate and put them in a decorated box of some sort. Similar to two years earlier, but with actual baking and more effort. (Note to self: Not a Good Idea)

Many years ago I made some awesome peanut butter chocolate fudge. I don't recall the recipe being extremely easy and somewhat labor intensive, but well worth the work! Of course I can't find the recipe. I remembered it was with a cluster of recipes I had from a magazine and I still had a few left. So I searched for recipes and found one that seems very simplistic, so figured I could try it (Note to self: Try is NOT a good idea when hoping to have the perfect final result the FIRST time). So I printed the recipe - twice - since who knows what happened the first time around (of course I assumed it printed and closed out of the search engine). I made a list of the ingredients that I would need.

I even purchased cutesy heart cookie/brownie cutters and tiny ones for the fudge the night before. Pre-planning, yep, that's me! I went to the store on my lunch hour and purchased everything I needed to make Double Chocolate Surprise Brownies and Chocolate Peanut Butter Fudge.

That is, until I decided at 10:15p.m. to actually make the fudge and realized I missed the ingredient of heavy cream that was in the narrative of modification to make chocolate peanut butter glaze. Sigh. OK, onto making the brownies instead.

I had all the ingredients. I followed the directions exactly, because that's how I roll. Of course I struggled with the definition of beat and mix. So does mix mean not with the beaters or do I mix it in and use the beaters? Where is my bake by numbers already?

Direction 5 reads: "Reserve 1 cup of chocolate mixture. Pour remaining mixture into prepared 9-inch square pan."

Issues so far: How am I suppose to "prepare" the pan? So I sprayed it and lightly dusted it with flour because that seemed "prepared". I pulled out the tape measure to measure the pan and I think mine is 8", so I'll adjust the cooking time.

Next I make the "filling". Again I have issues with the definition of whip and mix. Ah what the hell? I'll beat it all up with the mixer. So after the filling is mixed I move on to the next step.

Direction 7 reads: "Pour the cream cheese mixture over the chocolate mixture, by tablespoon. Swirl to marble." (8 reads: Bake at 350...blah blah blah.)

Anyone else seeing my next issue? What the hell happened to the reserve cup? Was I suppose to pour the filling over the reserve cup and swirl? If so, then what was I suppose to do with it? If I poured it over the mixture in the prepared pan, when was I suppose to add the reserve cup?

Seriously, who the hell writes recipes? Do they ever proof read them? Besides the fact that a finger test tasted extremely salty and I wonder if it should have really been 1/4 tsp. of salt.

So, I put the filling on the prepared pan chocolate by tablespoon until I realized how ridiculous that was as there was so much filling it covered the entire pan! So then I took the reserve cup of chocolate and by tablespoon added that onto the filling and attempted to swirl; however, there was so much filling, it was practically swimming.

Yes, I understand now whey they are called Double Chocolate SURPRISE Brownies. The surprise is on me!

So pretty sure when they finish baking and cooling, they may be headed for the garbage. And tomorrow, I will be heading to get heavy cream and a box of Betty Crocker brownies and cookies which cost mere pennies to all the ingredients necessary to botch (I mean bake) my own!

Another reason why I have no reason to embrace Valentine's Day...

Happy Valentines Day to you and yours!

Texting Truth?

2011-02-09T09:08:00.000-05:00

My bf has a Droid Smart Phone. Honestly, my bf is pretty smart without the phone. Actually I would almost beg to say he IS smarter than his phone. I can attest and I likely won't be playing Bezzerwizzer against him anytime soon!

However, when texting he uses the automatic text or completion or something. Clearly I have no idea. I have a Rumor2 phone without internet access. Yes, I am living in the Dark Ages and I am still alive! Anyway, I have to say that some of his texts just crack me up when he doesn't catch what the phone has completed. Typically it has to do with a change of wording when he is attempting to curse.

This morning I received this email response:

"Lying in bed trying to get warm. Need you to come head me up ;)"

Now that IS funny! Maybe the smart phone is smarter - but almost positive that should have been "heat"!

Job Change...?

2011-02-09T01:11:00.000-05:00

I haven't been entirely happy with my job. I am tired of my Flavor of the Day Supervisors. I am tired of being the worker and position that is treated as the Evil Stepsister.

But ultimately...I AM BORED.

Today, posted in our office was a job position. A position that I completed my college internship in 1995. I am sure that the job has changed as well as what I actually was capable of doing as an intern vs. an employee. I am considering putting my name on the posting.

While I love my job, when I am busy, I see very little work on the horizon. I will be cross trained for 3.5 weeks during April/May for another position. The new position is a new allocation due to caseload size. I would LOVE to be busy. I can even accept the $1000 pay cut as my sanity of having work to do is worth far more than a monetary value. I'm just not sure. I feel some obligation to my families. Afterall though, it's just a job, right?

Isn't what is important is that I am happy? What ultimately will make me happy? Workwise, I know that having a job that keeps me busy and challenged will. Another co-worker recently changed jobs into that position and I plan on talking to her to see what she really thinks.

I know I have only been in my current position for 1.5 years, but I am not sure how many other opportunities for this current position will present themselves.

Maybe this is a sign...a sign of the times...a sign of change...

Overwhelm & Karma

2011-02-09T01:03:00.000-05:00

I know I have posted about being overwhelmed and karma in the past. If it weren't almost 1:00a.m., I might consider attaching the links, but really it's not a big deal.

Last week I began to get overwhelmed. Overwhelmed when I got on the scale and noticed that I have gained at least seven pounds in a very short period of time. I understand that since dating MS, I eat worse when I am around him. He isn't exactly the epitome of health although he does have some fabulous genes. Then, I received my regular credit card bill and was shocked by the amount, still including some holiday shopping, the recent car repair and my impulsive timeshare Vegas purchase. All needed of course!

I was frustrated with myself. I vowed immediately that I would make some changes. I would shred the pounds as well as dollars of spending. Again, this was before I received the results of my cholesterol screen. I put things into perspective. I stopped beating myself up and vowed to make the necessary changes. To follow through.

I recognized that since last June/July I have been paying off the basement bathroom. I have absorbed the monthly interest free payment without having to touch my savings. Of course with the holidays and car repair, life happens and I can't get upset with the fact that my checking out is finally seeing more of the financial burden of an additional payment. I will still have the basement paid off before the interest free period. I took deep breaths and I allowed myself to relax and not beat myself up.

As for karma...an amazing thing happened two days later. The Super Bowl. Granted while I watched the game and commercials with little interest as I was reading on my new Kobo ereader instead, I was ecstatic to watch the turn of events of the first quarter. With T on the phone, we watched as my last minute Super Bowl Square purchase won me $240!

Karma...everything happens for a reason! Blessed.

Father Update

2011-02-09T00:44:00.000-05:00

I am doing my best to not post about my father. I haven't talked to him much since the blow up/message I received from his wife (here) but I also haven't not called him at all.

My dad is very tired. Actually, the last time we talked on the phone was probably one of the best conversations we have had, outside of my visit to Tampa when I said goodbye in person. He seemed coherent. He was tired, but could hold the conversation and we talked for almost twenty minutes.

Yesterday the mass email came that his health is "not good". He has become too weak to stand without assistance. He is on continuous oxygen. His appetite is diminishing. The Primacor IV is no longer working as it was initially. She completed the email saying:

"I know that I should be seeing one set of footprints in the sand, but I still see two sets of footprints in the sand..."

While not entirely sure I understand what she was saying, I believe she is saying that God isn't carrying him yet, as he continues to fight the odds and walk alongside.

I responded to her email and we shared a few civil, non-committal emails of continued thoughts and prayers. I questioned nothing.

Today, she sent another mass email. This time that the news is worse. That he is having difficulty swallowing although using a straw has proven successful. He was able to take his medication smashed into applesauce but cream of wheat, he can't swallow (Well honestly, I have issues swallowing cream of wheat too, but that is besides the point.) She had tried to contact Hospice and the Cardiologist and was considering contacting an ambulance to take him to the ER. I emailed her back. She responded that additionally, his IV had a leak. Her next email said that he was en route to the hospital.

As of late this afternoon, several hours after being admitted, he was stable. He is doing well. The issue? His IV was not connected. The IV that pumps his heart for him, was not connected for almost 12 hours. He is eating and swallowing again. His wife complained about Hospice and that they are "useless" and hadn't returned her call from 9 hours prior.

Funny thing...I decided again to see what I could find out, not trusting his wife. With the assistance of Google and the thought that HIPPA and Confidentiality would prohibit anyone from talking with me, I contacted Hospice. I was transferred to the right location. Another woman, someone that answers the phones informed me of who my father's Social Worker is and said that she would leave her a message and I should get a call back in the morning.

THREE MINUTES LATER. THREE. MINUTES. LATER. I received a call from the Social Worker. She was willing to talk to me and that was before I informed her that I too was a Social Worker. She listened and was informative and stated that she hasn't seen my father in almost three weeks but the nurse goes to the home weekly. She was unaware of any change in his health and that he had been admitted to the ER hours earlier. So how is it that I can get a return call back in minutes when his wife claims to not get a return call after almost 12 hours?

Emotionally, I am void. I can't get frustrated with her. I accept that she is soon to be a grieving widow. If for no other reason than to lose her husband, companion and more than half her income. Really, I am not that heartless. JA asked if I would go back down to Florida to see him.

Honestly. NO. Dead or Alive, there is no reason for me to return back to Florida. I said goodbye to my DAD in November 2010. I grieved the dad that I knew. Letting go of someone that you love that no longer exists in the shell of who once was is difficult. The journey has been long and painful but I have found closure.

No matter how much chaos she tries to instill, I appreciate that there are professionals that I can contact for the honest truth. That I can confirm that Hospice is involved because my father is dying. My dad has passed although on rare occasions I can still hear the man he was, temporarily.

I loved you Dad. I love you Dad. I hope and pray that soon, your pain and suffering will end and you will find your happiness, always.

FaSt & Fitness

2011-02-09T00:19:00.001-05:00

Last week I had to fast for my cholesterol test. Interestingly enough, when I went back to the lab to have my blood drawn I was a little shocked when the lab tech inquired, "To verify you are here for a cholesterol screen and a pregnancy test?"

Ummm...NO. NO. NO. I am NOT pregnant. Then, I realized her confusion and attempts to clarify, see I have two orders for blood work and completely not comprehensible to me, I can't have the tests done together. The pregnancy test is to verify that I am not pregnant before I proceed with my tubal ligation in the near future. That blood to be drawn at a later date.

The results of the cholesterol test: BAD.

For those of you that are unaware, I have the bad gene lottery ticket. My results are significantly worse than two years ago. Granted two years ago was shortly after completing almost 7 months of training for the 3 Day Breast Cancer Walk too.

But I will not deny that exercise and I have gone through irreconcilable differences over the past year. I attempted mediation. I attempted counseling. To no avail. So I did the next best thing...I walked away (of course not far and not fast - afterall that would have been exercise!)

Now with a lot under the rug and extra weight holding the rug down, time is not on my side. The daily vitamins are impacting nothing.

My triglyceride level: 287

The "phone nurse" recommended that I discontinue all "processed, fatty, sugary, fast foods and alcohol." While I could eat better, I don't eat the previous significantly enough to warrant an immediate change of the triglyceride level if I cold turkey.

Fortunately for me, I reacquainted myself (and introduced MS) to Jillian Michaels over the weekend. I'm serious about getting back into shape and the cholesterol results Monday morning only kicked me in the ass a little bit harder!

I have visited with Jillian now four days in a row and NO, that doesn't include watching the Biggest Loser tonight either! I completed Day 3 of the 30 Day Shred, although I much prefer my favorite Kick Boxing video instead. I am bound and determined to complete the 30 Day Shred, get motivated and lose 10 pounds by Spring Break.

I was advised to take Fish Oil to reduce the triglycerides and I haven't purchased them yet. I just can't bring myself to embrace that...yet.

Pain or Paranoia

2011-02-03T22:38:00.000-05:00

Last night as I laid in bed, I started to feel pain in my left elbow area. Not directly on the elbow, but slightly above on the outside of the arm. I wondered if I had hit it on something but couldn't recall. While I had almost fallen on the ice, I didn't. No reason or justification for the pain.

Granted I had spent 1.5 hours either shoveling or pushing the snow blower repeatedly. Is this tennis elbow?

Earlier this afternoon it appeared that there was bruising, green bruising but an hour later in different lighting, the bruising wasn't visible. The arm looks slightly different and obviously feels (due to pain) different to me. Now, the arm seems almost flaccid and flabby whereas the right arm is firm and muscular. I know that there isn't such a vast difference between my arms, despite my boycotting of physical exercise.

The paranoia stems from my brother's fall incident of an elbow issue. The night before I arrived by plane to help his family drive back to Michigan, his elbow inflamed and the pain was intolerable. He drove himself to the emergency room and almost passed out en route. His elbow area was drained. Test results later confirmed that he had an infection and was put on an anti-biotic.

The pain isn't unbearable. It's a minor inconvenience but I'm concerned about the lack of being able to tighten the arm and make a muscle.

Tomorrow morning I have a scheduled appointment for blood work, mainly to recheck my cholesterol. I will be interested to see what my white blood count levels are as well; however, if the pain continues I may have it looked at during business hours rather than resorting to an ER visit over the weekend.

Sound familiar? Any ideas of what I am experiencing?

Voice Verification

2011-02-03T20:23:00.000-05:00

Tonight T and I were decorating the card for the bf's son - using all of our artistic talent: a stick person on a skateboard, when the phone rang. Caller ID identified the caller as FOP - Fraternal Order of Police?

T stared at the phone and I told him to answer it. The caller asked for the woman of the house. T handed the phone to me.

Me: Hello.
Caller: Oh I'm sorry. Is the woman of the house available?

CLICK.

Gift Giving

2011-02-03T20:20:00.000-05:00

Friday night the bf invited me to join in his son and dad's birthday dinner celebration. Having only met his dad on two brief occasions, I really don't feel comfortable giving him a gift. Initially the thought was dinner would be at his parents house, which changed overnight and will now be at a local restaurant, to be determined. So the thought of bringing a dish, dessert or something else is no longer appropriate. I'm not even sure that I feel comfortable giving him a card or a bottle of wine. His mom told the bf for him to buy him an orchid. Now that would have been an OK gift for me to give. What to do?

As for the bf's son, I have met him on numerous occasions. While he is a month older than my son T, he and T have almost nothing in common. T is very involved in sports and academics. Bf's son likes video games and as of last fall, skateboarding.

So I decided that I would make him a skateboarding tie blanket. All I had to do was find some skateboarding fleece. Fortunately, Fields Fabrics has a camouflage skateboard fleece and after calling four stores, I found one that had it in stock! So I weathered the aftermath of Blizzard 2011 to purchase the fleece. Even more awesome is that his bedding is camouflage too!

While the blanket is not the most photogenic, the solid color is actually a hunter green. I actually think it turned out really good, even if he has absolutely no reaction! But figured labor, personable and skateboard related was a much better gift option than a gift card!

Blizzard 2011

2011-02-03T10:18:00.001-05:00

By mid-January in West Michigan our accumulations of snow were less than 25". We have yet to go skiing or sledding. I have been out once to snow shoe. Wind chill and weather temperatures have been chilly to take advantage of the snow and I have been having issues mustering up the desire to be outside.

Late Tuesday night into Wednesday morning we had the Blizzard of 2011. Forecasts included upwards to 24" in a twelve hour period. People were bracing for entire towns to be shut-down. Schools announced closings for the evening and following day before any snow began to fall.

The snow did fall, upwards to 12". I was able to use one of my snow blowers and cleared the driveway of about 4" the night of before snow really came down. For the first time EVER, my office closed on Wednesday. People hibernated and allowed plows to do their jobs on Wednesday. 1.5 hours with my snow blower and son's help, we cleared out the driveway.

Surprisingly, school was closed today due to "walker safety" as many of the sidewalks have yet to be cleared.

Good thing that Phil forecasts Spring soon for Ground Hog Day. While I don't believe that we have snow storms like when I was a kid, I'm OK with getting small amounts at a time rather than Snowmageddon.

Gift Card Greed

2011-02-03T10:08:00.000-05:00

My brother will be turning the big 4-0 in a few weeks. I already know what I want to get him: a gag gift of forty boxes of sugar cereal and a $40 gift certificate to the local mall to spend on himself. Of course easier said than done, right? Well in my world...yes, right.

I have been thinking about his gift for quite some time. See, I'm not a big gift giver, especially when it comes to birthdays. Not that I'm a scrooge, we just typically don't do more than spend for the kids and give a call on birthdays. But the BIG 4-0, that's worth acknowledging in a small way.

You see, my brother is a fitness F-R-E-A-K. He takes his personal health VERY seriously. He fears that he will inherit our dad's medical genes. He has been combating the invisible demons and potential threat of diabetes. Everything that he does, he does with vigour and physical endurance. Every opportunity he turns into a workout and he takes his health, fitness and body to the extreme.

So I wasn't surprised to hear last fall that my nephews were first allowed to eat cereal last summer, the healthy kind of course.

My brother knows that he has a sweet tooth, one that is hard to control once started. During a trip to visit them many years ago, my brother was ecstatic to have some of my son's Peanut Butter Crunch cereal. Or his rare visits to our house and looking at the cereal options.

So for his birthday, I want to buy him 40 individual boxes of sugar cereal to eat, consume or dispose of at his leisure. Because afterall, I am a sweet sister. I am anticipating that the Sam's club mixed boxes will not come in the right amount, so I will be buying extra. No big deal.

I decided I would personalize a gift card by getting it to the mall near where his family has just relocated. I got online to learn that mall gift cards are generic. There is nothing that identifies where the gift card is to also thereby not restricting where he can use the card either. However, in attempting to purchase the no fee card, there are shipping and handling fees, gift card fees and a processing fee.

The Generic American Express Gift Card of $40.00 value will cost me $50.92.

I think I will grab a generic card locally instead. Or maybe I will tape $1 dollar bills on every single box of cereal. How fun is that? =)

Monopoly Madness

2011-01-24T10:32:00.000-05:00

I grew up playing Monopoly with my family, primarily my dad and brother. I can recall that the games could last days, even weeks that we had a partially finished game strewn around the floor. I can also recall countless times that I would cry. Cry because it just wasn't fair! I felt picked on at times by the trades that would occur which would ultimately see my demise.

As an adult, those memories flood back so when my son was little, I was more than excited to find the Pokemon version that had different doubles rules. Rules that no longer made trading properties necessary. A toss of the die would determine the fate of your ownership. Double sixes allow the roller to challenge an opponent for unsecured properties. No more bartering. No more trading. No more begging. No more bantering. Bliss.

I am sure that some if not most people feel that the trades are what makes Monopoly fun. I obviously am not one of those.

Saturday night I met the bf's brother and his fiancee for the first time. We had tried to play Monopoly on the Wii but with only two remotes, it wasn't possible for the four of us to play. After a failed attempt at finding open bowling, we went back to their house to play the board game version of Monopoly. All was fine, until the last property was sold and no one had any sets. His brother than decided to offer me ridiculous trades - he would give me Oriental Avenue (lt. blue) for Pacific Avenue (green). No. And his offers to me, all three of them continued in that fashion. All which I declined. Apparently irritating him, he decided to trade the bf a Baltic Ave (dk. purple/brown) for a Railroad. Of course the bf traded and the brother didn't even own a Railroad! So then he traded the RR to his fiancee for Tennessee (orange) which he only had one orange and thereby gave her all four railroads.

The trading transactions were ridiculous. When he and I could have made legitimate trades to both secure sets, he refused. And I got irritated. My irritation only escalated when the brother couldn't figure out what was going on repeatedly, whose turn it was, what money went into the bank, etc. Finally, I had enough. We all had several thousands of dollars and the game was going nowhere. So I quit.

Like a big baby, I quit. Of course I had to go to the bathroom too, but we had been playing for over 1.5 hours. Clearly I was the only one that was irritated since the bf and the fiancee were making money off of their ludicrous trades. In the bathroom I noticed that my neck was red and my face heated. I thought about asking the bf to take me home. I left the bathroom and went back into the kitchen. I played with the dog and watched as they put the game away.

In a way, I felt childish. I felt like I was being a poor sport. I spent the rest of the weekend thinking about it. I am sure I could have handled it better. I didn't throw my money or properties across the table. I didn't yell. The game was going nowhere.

But the bottomline for me...wasn't that I'm a poor sport. The bottomline is that one of my core values is fairness. It wasn't that I couldn't control how others play the game or that it was differently. It was the fact that what was happening wasn't fair. And even if the trades had been with me, I still wouldn't have made them, unless they were fair.

Why is it that I have such strong opposition, even in games, against the unjust and the unfair?

Oatmeal Optimism

2011-01-24T10:17:00.000-05:00

I am not an oatmeal fan. Occasionally I will have a bowl of oatmeal if I feel the urge, which is very infrequently. Something about the texture and the way it feels on my tongue.

I am also not a fan of McDonald's; however, I do like the egg McMuffin.

This morning after a hellacious commute from the bf's house to the office (an extra hour) I decided to swing into McD's and grab an egg McMuffin. Nerves shot and no desire to head into work I was swayed to try the fruit and maple syrup oatmeal as the picture looked so enticing.

I have to say that I was not disappointed. While a little sweeter than I would have preferred, I did like the mix of apples, raisins and cranberries. I am pretty sure I will be finding myself grabbing some oatmeal again in the near future!

Father Figures, Facts or Figuratively

2011-01-19T08:53:00.000-05:00

Interestingly enough, after my post last night I received an update on my dad this morning at 7:25a.m. No matter how many times I tell his wife I don't need my own personal update, just a copy of her mass updates that she emails, she has felt inclined to email me personally, twice.

Now don't go thinking that she is being the bigger person by doing so. I appreciate the update, but I'm sure she has sent weekly if not more often updates to others. I have gotten TWO since early November. TWO.

So the update was two sentences. Basically advising that he is still alive and doing well. His A1C level is now officially at 10 and needs to be at a 7 before he is eligible for a VAD. Apparently when he was in Tampa, hospitalized for almost two weeks and sent home on Hospice, he was an 11.

Not that I know anything about A1C, this will be next google search expedition, but with my simplistic calculations a drop in one in more than two months doesn't seem significant, especially given that he was given weeks to months to live. At the current rate of the reduction, to reach a 7 will be July 2011, minimally.

His wife previously anticipated he would receive a VAD and then a heart transplant. The window of opportunity for a heart transplant will be closed effective his 65th birthday in June 2011.

Good thing health isn't a matter of numbers and calculations. Maybe there is still a chance. A slim chance...or maybe the boy will finally stop crying...wolf.

Basketball: The Winter of Baseball Equivalent

2011-01-19T00:47:00.000-05:00

T has decided he loves basketball. The school season ended and a recreation tournament league was available and he was invited to join. The tournament is nine Saturdays. Practices are twice a week - Tuesdays and Fridays.

The tournaments are 35 minutes north in good weather. The tournament times will be divulged the Tuesday before the Saturday. The cost: $90 to play. Tonight we learn that the games this Saturday are at 4:30 and 5:30p.m.

Sigh. Basketball will last until baseball practices begin. Games can be as late as 7:30p.m. and they will only play two games, which should be back to back. Nine weeks of few plans on the weekends due to scheduling uncertainty.

I'm already feeling the drain. I'm feeling the frustration of baseball season. I've already told T that weekends he isn't with me, I likely won't be attending. I am finally reaching a point where I'm trying not to feel guilty for saying NO. Then I am far from Super Mom. I'm not perfect and if I'm going to maintain sanity, I will not be strapped to basketball games rather than enjoying MY weekends.

Having said that, I pick up T today and he says his dad may be busy with his other son and can I take him to the games Saturday? Hold firm. Hold firm. And of course I say, well let me know. Because ultimately T comes first. Fortunately for me, due to the late games his dad can take him!

Update of Randomness

2011-01-19T00:37:00.000-05:00

I have obviously been on a blogging hiatus. As usual, things I have thought about discussing I don't. I just find myself spending endless hours of mindless games of spades. I know I should be more productive and then I realize I don't know what I should be doing. Well working out is a good start but that leads to the whole want vs. need discussion. Then next I will find myself rambling about what came first, the chicken or the egg?

But now that it is mid-January: Not that I have an official date of dating or anything, but I think today could be three months of dating MS. Things are going well. I think Sunday we may have had our first disagreement and we survived. I can't even say it was a disagreement, just not seeing eye to eye. Then last night when dealing with a touchy subject and me disclosing, he laughed. I called him out on it to see if he really thought it was funny. He didn't. We must share the same emotion of laughter in awkward situations, whereas I probably would prefer to cry.

I am officially unsure about Essure. I had scheduled to have the Essure procedure next month and after reading reviews I decided foreign objects in my fallopian tubes was not a good idea. Especially given my reaction to sticking any form of metal into the holes in my ears. At least I can remove earrings! So I called the dr. today to change my mind and I was instructed I had to meet with him in person, again. I have officially changed the procedure since he fortunately had a cancellation and I met with him again today.

I continue on my medication mortification. I was prescribed Ambien to assist with my lack of sleeping. A little freaked out about the side effects, I decided vitamins, eating better and working out might be a better first option. I've actually been doing quite well on the sleeping and when I seldom have anything on my mind, I actually go to sleep quickly! The Ambien stares and taunts me daily from the shelf and I continue to try the natural way.

I was sent for a follow up with the GI since the issues that I had the colonoscopy in 2008 continue. After an exciting impromptu rectal exam to eliminate the possibility of a fissure I was sent home with more prescriptions. Twice a day suppositories and miralax or fiber or any other random stool softener. Since I wasn't capable of putting anything but my finger up my nose when I had "crusties", I clearly am not inserting anything up my...yeah that. So more medications not used. More prescriptions filled, sitting unopened.

Parenting. Ahhhh where to begin? My son claimed I tried to run him over with the car. Then I was "mean" when I laughed uncontrollably at the Wendy's drive thru when he asked me if he could get a "baked potato with sour cream and chips". I said NO that they don't come with chips. He said, "Not CHIPS, Chivs." Chives is officially now Chivs. Then later that night he randomly texts me about his dad paying a physical bill (which I verified today that MY insurance paid, not him!) and then a follow up text basically asking if the bf and I "did it" the other night and describing what he heard. What he heard was me in the bathroom going to the bathroom and washing my hands and then MS breathing heavy as he has extreme nasal polyps which then turned into atrocious snoring! Nope, what he heard was NOT us "DOING IT".

BUT...that did open a whole other can of worms as to why is my almost 14 year old texting me from the other parent's home inquiring if I had sex? I texted back that while odd to receive the text, we would discuss it in person when he came home. I called him today to inquire about the text at which point he began to sob uncontrollably. The conversation after we got home, much the same. He sobbed and cried uncontrollably. Teenage hormones! I figured more was going on. All he disclosed besides hearing noises (which we discussed and I informed the truth was not what he thought) was that his stepsister told him she was kicked out on 1/3. He feels left out that his dad didn't tell him. He cried more. We cried together. I told him that at times I feel like I'm failing at being a parent. That if he isn't happy living with me, I want him to be happy and he can live elsewhere. He said he is happiest with me. I stressed again the importance of honesty. Say what you mean and mean what you say. That I would rather hear the truth whether I like it or not than find out I was lied to. We cried some more. I thought girls were more emotional than boys?

Interesting start on the New Year. My job is again slowing down. I considered going back to school for my Masters but $17,000 and 18 months isn't worth trying to fill up some downtime at the office. I will be picking up work from my old position in the interim of new hirees being trained. Then my new boss asked if I wanted to be back up phones, which I did very briefly years ago and stopped without the proper training. Since cross training is becoming mandatory anyway, looks like I will be heading to several weeks of training in the near future! As long as I keep busy and can keep some sanity on some front, it will all balance out.

As of the latest on my dad...I've digressed. Or maybe I've just embraced acceptance again. I left a message on Christmas wishing he and his wife a Merry Christmas. I haven't heard back and I haven't called them again. I will. One day, I will. But if that one day doesn't happen, I won't be shedding any tears of regret. I have reached solace.

Sometimes it's best to close one chapter before moving on...

2010 Year In Review

2011-01-07T09:11:00.001-05:00

2010 YEAR IN REVIEW

HEALTH:

This past year my health has remained stable (knock, knock). A minor biking accident Memorial weekend added a scar on my wrist but nothing more serious. Halloween weekend, the claw of a hammer below the eye resulted in a small fracture of my facial plate and a minor scar but no permanent damage.

FITNESS:

What is that? 2010 saw me completely throw fitness out the window. I didn’t go to the gym. I battled with myself as to trying to eat healthy but ultimately failing. Physical fitness included occasional roller blading, walking or biking but nothing regular and routine. I can tell that the muscle mass is disappearing and the Pillsbury Dough Boy look is not becoming!

HOUSE:

A new ¾ bathroom and egress window were added to the basement during the summer. The additional bathroom has been a blessing (I even change shower curtains less!). T’s room was updated to a Youth Bedroom with cosmetic changes in the house and some minor changes to the guest bedroom (which still seems in limbo). I got a new grill for Christmas, so maybe I will add new patio furniture in 2011!

EMPLOYMENT:

A full year of my current position completed. Early Spring I was ready to quit which lead me to pursue a foster home license. For the most part, I love my job, when I’m busy. I could do without the office politics, drama and snarky people.

FINANCIAL:

No real change. 2010 saw a rebound to the 401k. As the year ended, my employer no longer does automatic savings bonds. I’m still in limbo trying to determine what to do with that monthly allotment that was automatically done for the past 13 years! A full year on the new 15 year mortgage has me happy with the great reduction!

TRAVEL:

The year began in Colorado and a second road trip to Colorado later in January. Unfortunately there wasn’t much snow and drama ensued on the second trip. Spring Break was a first time cruise with my mom from Florida to Mexico. In August T and I went to Arizona and saw the GRAND CANYON and had a fabulous trip! At the end of the Halloween weekend I found myself on an emergent trip to Tampa Florida to say what I thought was my final goodbye to my dad. November was a quick trip to Vermont to drive a vehicle with my brother and his family’s belongings back to Michigan – their midway point to their move to South Dakota.

Travel was pretty limited due to the basement bathroom addition which I will pay off before my year of 0% interest ends this summer.

PARENTING:

This year I found myself the proud and new mother of…a teenager. T turned thirteen in March and was allowed to have a Facebook page. The year has been somewhat challenging from a parenting perspective in pushing T towards friends and independence but still being a parent. I discovered T had a girlfriend via Facebook as well as a second Facebook account. Just before Christmas, texting was added to T and my parent’s cell phones. The end of year wrapped up with learning of secrecy, 580 son texts (in 5 days!) and parental battles of privacy for a teen. I am sure I will be battling the fine lines of privacy and independence until he moves out of the house.

Drama continued with the other half, especially around November for the holidays and hunting season. He refuses to communicate with me and only talks to our son and is beginning to talk more negatively about me. Less than five years. Less than five years…

PERSONAL:

Around Spring Break I decided maybe I was ready to consider the dating pool again. Wading around in the shallow end, quickly found me trying to tread water and then get the hell out of the pool. I spent a lot of time hanging out with friends and keeping busy. I attended meetup groups and did a lot of fun things and met some very interesting people. I again slowly tried the dating thing but found dating sites beyond comical and borderline appalling. I set my standards pretty low and aimed to find someone I wanted to see more than twice. Ultimately in October after ending a brief out-of-state long distance dating, I planned a much needed out of town trip with someone that we had remained friends since going out twice at the beginning of my pool wading. We have been dating since. I’m doing my best to not over analyze and going from there!

MISC:

As mentioned earlier and in previous posts, I thought my dad was finally dying. That The Little Boy Who Cried Wolf was no longer able to cry. My aunt, my brother, myself and hospital staff were wrong. Not that that is a bad thing, but I don’t know what it is. He was denied a VAD and heart transplant and sent home with Hospice early November. Maybe by some miracle other options exist because his wife is now saying that a VAD and heart transplant are available through a different hospital and donations are needed. The end of the year presented a new issue with my dad’s wife in the communication arena which has severed the relationship even more. I haven’t heard back from them after leaving a message on Christmas. I believe he is still alive, but honestly, nothing would surprise me at this point.

In September I became a licensed foster parent. I have been called for a handful of placements that were not appropriate. I have yet to have my first placement and wonder if I ever will. The experience of the licensing process was enlightening – personally and professionally.

2011 PREDICTIONS

HEALTH/FITNESS:

I have kicked off 2011 by not making a New Years Resolution but by making a concerted effort to make my health and fitness a priority. I started with my annual physical which will have numerous follow ups for health concerns. I was prescribed Ambien for sleeping as my insomnia is becoming scary but I want to see if eating well and exercise work first! I started taking a multi-vitamin “for her” and hope it will work for me too! I am committing to taking six months of vitamins. I am making a conscious effort to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner daily as I often skip meals, especially at work. I also went to the gym two days ago and plan to add exercise back into my life, slowly and consistently. I would also love to lose 15-20 pounds but at this point, I just want to be healthy and fit.

TRAVEL:

I hope to travel more this year. T is with me for Spring Break this year so I’m excited to figure out what we come up with and whether or not we utilize another week of the timeshare, two weeks out to randomly find us somewhere new and random. I also forsee some traveling with the boyfriend, with and without the teen children.

CAR:

I anticipate that I may need a new car this year. My cruise temporarily died again last night. My car seems to be “skipping” between 45-50 miles per hour and I wonder if it is transmission related. I am not looking forward to a car payment but I need something safe and reliable!

HOUSE:

I purchased a new comforter for the bedroom for Christmas along with new dishes! I anticipate that I will likely bite the bullet and finally paint my bedroom the milk chocolate color that I’ve been salivating over for years! I don’t foresee any other home improvement projects – maintenance only.

PERSONAL:

I vow to not lose myself while dating. I hope to continue to pursue fun adventures with friends outside of dating. I will continue to push myself to be a better me rather than settle with the routine and the monotony.

Happy New Year!

Parenting Privacy Priveleges

2011-01-07T00:54:00.000-05:00

T turned thirteen last March, therefore he is on the cusp of turning fourteen. The past year I have given him more freedom which didn't encompass more responsibility. He doesn't receive an allowance and his chores are minimal. He is responsible for picking up after himself and keeping his room fairly clean. Sometimes he has to take the garbage down the driveway or bring back up the empty can. Rough Life.

In recapping, becoming a teenager I allowed him the ability to get a Facebook account with the understanding that I had access and must know his password. We created it together. In 2008 when I was going to Europe, I allowed him to have his own email account so we could communicate. We created it together. On December 22, 2010, I added texting to my son and parents cell phone plans. My son, surprisingly was excited despite me offering texting to him numerous times before.

My parents were in town for Christmas which meant some changes in sleeping arrangements as the guest bedroom now has a twin bunk. I wasn't going to put them on the aerobed on the floor so I gave them my room for the weekend. T was at his dad's the first night so I slept in his room.  Christmas he was back home and fell asleep on the couch, so I again stayed in his room; however, his computer fan kept running.  T hadn't put his laptop in standby and when I got up to do so, I saw that he had another Facebook account which changed from "Mike White" to "Harry Porter" depending on if I was on the profile page or the home page. I didn't understand. Additionally there was an email account open that I had never seen in gmail connected to the FB page. I was shocked. I didn't know what to do.  The email account had been created on 12/22 and the FB page looked like it was primarily being used for Mafia Wars and he already had over 100 "friends".

I was shocked and appalled. I didn't know what to do. I knew that he created the accounts the one day I was at work (12/22) and he asked if a friend could come over. He said nothing about what they really did that day.  I stewed all night and was restless. It didn't help that an hour after the discovery at about 3a.m. T woke to come into his room to go to bed. I said nothing. I did nothing. I laid awake for hours.

On 12/27, still having done nothing, T received a text after midnight. I asked for his phone and told him he was no longer to have it at night when in bed (10 school night/11 weekend or holiday) or use it as an alarm clock. He willingly gave me the phone. I had looked at his phone before that and saw that he was texting after 1a.m. when he was at his dad's. Earlier that night T had commented on how much the BF's son texted since getting his phone on 12/25. I checked T's text record and in five days he had texted 580 times. The BF's son, 1280 in two days!! The text that night at midnight was from RUR's daughter and I texted him about it the next day. Come to find out, the next day he told his daughter and her friend (the one T was texting after 1a.m.) about the incident and the friend told T that I was looking at his texts. T didn't confront me and I didn't confront him but he was mad. I learned that sharing with a friend of T's parent's is NOT a good idea and is NOT confidential.

T also has a girlfriend that he purchased a necklace for Christmas. I asked if he was going to see her during the break. He kept saying "I dunno". I asked if he wanted to invite her over. "NO". I learned from his texting that he planned to meet up with her while I was at work. Long story short, he didn't meet with her and emailed her the day of that he was "sick" - of course I directly knew nothing about it.

So I had been struggling with the ongoing deception and how much privacy does a teen have? How much do they deserve? I had decided to give T back his phone and told him I would not wake him for school or make his lunch. If he fell asleep at school or his grades suffered, his phone would be gone. AND he would have chores and responsibilities around the house. I haven't looked at his phone since I gave it back, until tonight that is.

T doesn't know it, but I've also made a point to not use just his cell phone when he gets home from school when he calls me from his cell. It helps that with the unlimited texting plan we have 1000 more anytime minutes on the phone and I no longer have to worry about going over! So to be sure he is home, I call the home phone.

Many of my friends of teens feel that as parents teens should have limited privacy. Email, FB and phones are free reign to search as we pay the bills to allow them to use them. Clearly back when I was a teen, we didn't have internet or cell phones. Times have changed.

It wasn't until tonight that I finally mentioned anything to T. We had just finished watching The Craigslist Killer that we had DVR'd earlier this week and the after show.  It seemed like a perfect segway into secrecy and hidden email accounts. I asked T how many email accounts he has. "One." Even if I wasn't aware of the other one, he has two - his personal yahoo and a school email account.

Long story short, I asked T to be honest and as he himmed and hawed it was clear he wasn't. He acknowledged that his friend told him to create an email to play a game. After pulling teeth he admitted that he had to play the game on FB and therefore had to create another account. I asked if there was anything else he was hiding. "No". I told him that while I didn't have a problem with the account and why he created it, the fact that he didn't inform me and lied about it was the issue. I told him he had to delete the acounts. I watched him deactivate which then didn't permanently delete and then he deleted but still has a minimal 14 day window to reactivate his FB account. I now have the email and passwords to verify he hasn't reactivated. The gmail account was also deleted. However, the account he told me about was the "Mike White" account. I had asked repeatedly if there was anything else and if I found out he was lying there would be consequences. Then I asked about "Harry Porter" and he was like "Oh." and I learned of a third FB account and another gmail account. Those two, deleted. Then his personal FB account - we talked about safety as he had many "friends" from just Mafia Wars that have access to his personal information and pictures. And he deleted Every. Single. "Friend". and he even deleted Mafia Wars on his own.

I told him how disappointed I was that he had lied. While I appreciated the idea of creating an annonymous account for him to play, the way he went about it was deceitful and deceptive and he continued to lie upon confrontation. I informed him that I care about him and his safety. I also told him that if I find out that he lies to me more, no more laptop and no phone. Period. He apologized and said he understood.

Then we talked about the phone. I asked if he was still texting and he said not as much since that night on 12/27 after bowling. I asked him why. He said, "I dunno.". I asked him if it was because he knew I looked at his phone and he said, "You looked at my phone?" I confirmed what he already knew (from RUR and his peer). I then picked up his phone and called the account to see that he now has almost 1100 texts. So he still has used it quite a bit. I also told him that I am his mother and he is a teen. I pay the bills for his computer and his phone and as long as he is a minor I have the right to look if I deem necessary. He shook his head in agreement.

Then he got ready for bed. He told me about a conversation with his dad about my car. T asked about his irritated eye. He talked about retaking a test that he was disappointed he had received a B+ on because he didn't see a question and wasn't able to take after school today. He told me he saw, 1.5 months later, that he made the Honor Roll. He told me he loved me as he hugged and kissed me goodnight, at his initiation.

Never once did T notice or mention that I had tears welled up in my eyes. That I have been internalizing and struggling with parental angst since Christmas Day. That I hated having him do what I had him do but that it was for a reason. That I wonder if this is the start of a downward spiral or if this will open one more door of secrecy and deception that he seemed to have closed.

I don't have any answers. I don't have a crystal ball. I can only hope that our discussion and the actions that happened tonight lead to positive communication. I can only hope.

Attachment Frustration

2011-01-07T00:04:00.000-05:00

Being a Social Worker, I deal with my share of attachment issues to the extreme which is often labeled as RAD or Reactive Attachment Disorder; however, my frustration tonight had nothing to do with Social Work.

Today I decided to review 2010. A Year in Review. Granted it was rather boring and very lengthy and ended with my predictions for 2011. I whipped it up on break at work in a Word document and emailed it to myself. Tonight I battled opening the document and when I won, I found out that I actually lost as I was unable to copy, cut and paste or edit the document as it was protected. Sigh. I tried every which way to no avail.

So tomorrow I shall find time to post my long ramble of my year in review. Forewarning, you may want to just skip it. It's more for my own benefit next year in comparison.

Mail Muse

2010-12-27T16:37:00.000-05:00

Happy Holidays! Hope that you and yours are having a fabulous holiday season!

Last week, we received (another year in a row) a Christmas card for our neighbors across the street with our address. I circled the address (thinking the neighbors would notify their friends of their correct address) and had my son run it across the street and put it in their mailbox.

Today, we received the card in the mail...AGAIN.

While mail courier service is dying and it has been suggested to mail back empty SASE envelopes from credit card companies to charge their dime as well as keep mailmen busy, that wasn't our thought for the Christmas card!

So my son ran it back across the street and put it back in their mailbox. This time they should get it as the mailbox has mail in it - too bad it is after Christmas!

Cheers! =)

'Tis the Season to Give Thanks

2010-12-14T00:56:00.000-05:00

My earlier post was difficult and in true blogger fashion, I am feeling cleansed. Relieved. Of course the sobbing and cursing may have helped with the immediate healing process as well as the phone conversations!

'Tis the Season of Christmas. Christmas and holidays can be very difficult and stressful times. I am feeling absolutely fortunate and blessed. I do feel that I am never given more than I can handle, despite questioning and wondering the validity of that statement at times. I have a survivor mentality and personality and most of all the best mother and friend I could ever want or ask!

I am so very thankful for my mom and her husband. For their love, support and faith. For their selflessness and their unconditional love. For their acceptance and guidance and nurturance. For their ability to listen, console and advise. For their ability to be fabulous grandparents, parents and friends.

I am thankful for my health, my son, my employment, my sanity, my family and my friends to name a few. I know that silently I give thanks. I recognize who I am and the opportunities and experiences I have endured. The road less traveled, the road of speed bumps and the Sunday scenic drives along the path that often seems like a six-lane expressway.

At this holiday season, I feel blessed. I AM blessed.

I wish and hope for you: Wishing a blessed, safe and happy holiday season to you and yours!

Date Night Results 2010

2010-12-14T00:39:00.000-05:00

Last week I posted about our Annual "Date Night" here. Here were our results from 2009. I definitely do better painting rather than trying to use some creative juices and mojo.

Without further ado, here is my frog toothbrush mug for the bathroom:

Yes, I am THIRTY - SIX. Not. SIX. I am the first to admit that my artistic talents were suppressed when I was in grade school but if you want to be reminded of my experience, read here. But date night isn't about the final product per se, it's about the fun, experience and memories created!

Father: Not a Eulogy, Not What I Wanted...Acceptance? Deliverance? Diatribe?

2010-12-14T00:11:00.002-05:00

I've yet to find the words to express about my dad, my father, the man who shared a life with my mother and raised me. A man that I idolized and hoped to one day find in a partner. A man that when I was a Senior in High School shattered my world by treating me as an adult and confidant and disclosing information to a daughter that she should have never had to hear because he was divorcing my mom. Words that have left permanent scars and have me questioning every relationship I ever have.

When I was 19, I went to my aunt's house to celebrate Christmas. My dad stepped out of the room and came back with a check for me for Christmas. He spelled my name wrong. He was still hungover from the night before. He. Spelled. My. Name. Wrong. My dad also told me that as an adult I could choose to have a relationship with him and I knew where to find him.

When I was 22 years old, two years after graduating college, I found myself living with my boyfriend and pregnant. I was disappointed in myself. I was scared. I felt alone. I feared telling my parents, even though I graduated High School at 17 and other than the first summer after college, I never again lived with my parent(s). When I told my dad, he said, "I'm not surprised. What do you expect when you are shacking up with your boyfriend."

Maybe I should rewind...I've posted it before - the year of 1982. Sometimes, I think my mom makes excuses for my dad, his health and that he isn't the father and dad and man he once was. I want to believe that. I want to believe that. I try to keep low expectations to not be disappointed - but the truth is, I expect things from my dad, my father - in sickness - as I did in health. I was disappointed. I continue to be disappointed.

I believe my dad gave up on living when he reached 55 (and even before). He turned 64 this summer. He had outlived his paternal male relatives. He was on borrowed time and wanted to live life to the fullest. Forget to take the routine medication and injections for his diabetes. Eat and live and be merry. Or just eat whatever you want, move from bed to kitchen to couch and succumb to the illness. My dad has too many ailments to list - from diabetes, COPD, heart failure (heart functions at 11% - bypass, stints, catherizations galore), high blood pressure, high cholesterol, etc.

My dad remarried in 1999. I was invited to his wedding, but not included in a father-daughter dance. His wife and I have always had issues (she is a "welfare" recipient - never maintaining a job much longer than 6 months, feeling entitled for everyone to care for her, not being able to budget/finance/see reality but living in the moment of self-gratification). They have little relationship with my son. They rarely if ever call and never ask to speak with my son. Some years, when they have money for stamps - they may send a holiday gift or card. They don't call. We have visited them. The relationship is strained.

On Thanksgiving in 2008, I posted this. The relationship hasn't been the same. I stopped receiving her monthly calls that he was back in the ER and was dying. Sometimes I would get them, more often not. His wife would call my brother and then expect him to call or tell me (he has been "dying" and admitted to the hospital almost monthly for years). I had been deleted from her FB page. As hurt and upset as I was by everything, for my own sanity, I had to remove myself from the drama and the lies. I no longer received email updates and I would sometimes receive them third-handed from family members. My brother and I would share stories based on phone calls we each had had with my dad and/or his wife. My dad was always the most coherent when hospitalized and appropriately medicated. It was always the best time to talk to him. He almost seemed able to communicate and knew what he was saying.

This summer, I was informed that my dad needed a heart transplant (and had to get one before his 65th birthday, the deadline of transplants).  Phone calls with his wife were always different. From them moving back to Michigan so she could live with her family while he recovered, to the following month having a transplant in Jacksonville Florida because her daughter got a job and was moving there from Michigan, to the next month when he was leaving Tampa after a doctor appointment to consider a transplant or VAD.  I never heard where Tampa came into the picture. I still don't understand. Tampa is 4 hours from where they live. They have no friends or social support in Tampa or even in Florida (with the new exception of Jacksonville). My dad isn't healthy enough to drive himself and she can't legally drive. Why would she pick a hospital 4+ hours away? Why?

I supported her and her decision. I didn't understand it. Maybe she was ready for him to die. I can't be of any social support, neither can my brother - we live across the country. A week later, he was admitted into Tampa General for extensive testing to see if he was a candidate. After almost a week they couldn't get his sugar stabilized, and it was up in the 500 range. My aunt emailed me (and my brother) and said that she had seen him and she felt he was dying. If we wanted to see him alive, we needed to visit and do it soon. She had driven over from Texas to say her goodbye.

Of course I was recovering from my hammer to the face adventure. I hadn't heard anything from my dad or his wife. The email was news to me. I called my brother. He had heard from my dad's wife the night before that they also found a lump in his neck that they were biopsying (which was non-cancerous). We talked about the severity of the situation (having heard the Boy Who Cried Wolf so many times previously) and trying to understand. Having our Aunt there made the situation different - having a neutral non-threatening, non-manipulative voice to discuss his condition. I attempted to talk to hospital staff. Within 30 minutes of receiving the email, my brother and I had booked plane tickets and made arrangements and were going to be in Tampa that evening.

In the morning, we went to the hospital to visit our dad. He had no idea that we were coming. We spent two days at the hospital. We were part of a very difficult family meeting with the Social Worker and RN who informed us that because of lack of social support, transportation and financial issues - a transplant consideration was not possible. We accepted our fate. My brother gave my dad's wife his blessings to find housing in the retirement community they have moved from several times due to financial constraints. We broke the news to my dad that he was not a candidate for a heart transplant or a VAD. My brother and I had time with him, what we anticipated would be our last time with him. The IV he was on, was pumping his heart for him. Slowly, he was dying. His heart would cease. The good news, he was approved for Hospice with his IV and would be discharged later that week.

Without being at the hospital, I wouldn't have known what was going on (like the months my dad has lived without bathing because he battles depression and lack of motivation). His wife sent out mass emails while we were there - I had my aunt forward them. Her email after we returned home in summary was that the hospital and his children left him to die but that she is going to fight for her husband. He needs money and a transplant. Please send money or well wishes if you can't afford to send money. Of course I wasn't a recipient of those emails either.

I was lost. I felt paralyzed. I felt numb. I was there. I was in the hospital. What was going on? What were these emails that I purposely wasn't copied on (or emails for almost two years prior)? I'm a realist. I have become cynical. I'm not the only one. Is this her attempt to relieve guilt? To say she did everything? Or is this her way to raise money to fund her own hopes and dreams?

The next thing I know, Hospice is no longer coming daily, they come once a week and she has enlisted the assistance of a national transplant fund for fundraising. They have been denied a transplant in Jacksonville as well. The latest and last option, a transplant in Orlando. Orlando, 40 minutes from where they live. FORTY. MINUTES.

Sunday I spoke with my dad. He told me he has an appointment at the hospital in Orlando. He has no idea how long he will be there - if he will be admitted. Orlando has his file. He told me that they have received $2000 in donations but at $100 per transport (he's saying 4 a month AFTER the transplant) that the money will have little impact. This is their last chance at a hospital and transplant. Why wasn't Orlando their first option? Why was Tampa that was logistically impossible for them? During the conversation he told me that they were denied for mortgages in the retirement community (they would need two: one for an older trailer/home they will demolish and then one to build the new home on the property) - as he receives Social Security and she receives Disability. Why they need a new home, I don't understand. Why they can't live in the apartment you ask? Because she isn't a senior citizen and without his income of Social Security she couldn't live in the retirement community without his income. She needs to move in while he is alive. She has to. She refuses to talk to me. She hovers in the background on the phone and attempts to answer questions my dad is relaying because he doesn't know or care to know the answers. He does what he is told. He gets up when she tells him to and goes where he is taken.

Today in the mail, my son received a Christmas card. My son. Not my son and I. My son. I had had it. I called my dad again and asked what was going on. That I was hurt. That years ago when he said that I had to accept them as a package or not at all, that I did. That I have been respectful and civil and not received the same. That I am not notified of his health and happenings. That him calling back yesterday to ask for my email address that all of my email addresses have been the same for over seven years was ridiculous. He said he had no idea. He suggested I talk to her. After a good two minutes, she finally got on the phone. She was passive-aggressive.

I thanked her for my son's Christmas card. She told me my card would arrive in a few days. I then inquired that she had sent separate cards. She said she had - first time EVER. I then asked her why she wasn't copying me on emails and notifying me. She told me that she didn't have my email address. I told her that she did and they have been the same for seven years. She told me that I use my son as a pawn. I had no idea what she was talking about. She yelled that I don't allow him to talk to his grandparents. They have never called to talk to him and he has NEVER asked to call them. (They are not active grandparents and as close as he is to my mother - unless she calls him, he doesn't talk on the phone.) This woman then went on to say, "If you didn't know, your dad isn't well." I replied, "Oh really? I didn't know that. Maybe if you told me, I would know." She then started yelling more and I hung up on her.

I started to call my boyfriend back who had called during the conversation and I hung up after two rings. I sat in my basement stairwell and I sobbed. Sobbed uncontrollably. I cursed in my head. And when I collected myself, I dialed my mom. And when she got on the phone, I sobbed uncontrollably again and cursed. And while I sobbed and I cursed, his wife called me back. I let it go to voicemail.

This was the voicemail, "Hey X. Ok since you hung up on me. Uhhh...That's pretty mature. Umm...but besides the point. Do you have any idea what I'm going through? Do you have any idea? I hope you never ever have to find out because I know you don't care about your dad. You basically just kind of wrote him off. That's what you did.  You came to Florida. It was a pity fuck trip. And you came there and you basically wrote him off. That's all you did. You never. You don't call your dad. You don't do anything for your dad. You don't even, you your, your mother. Or you could live here in Tallahassee and I'll guarantee that you would never see your dad.  You wanna know why I don't keep you in the loop? Because frankly X, I'm sorry, Let me just let it all hang out BABY, don't stop calling your dad.  I think you are a BITCH and so do a few other people I know. So whatever HONEY. Just a, your card is in the mail. You are going to get it. I didn't leave you out. I'm not that cruel. I'm not that big of a bitch. I'm really not. So ah you know. Go ahead and use T against us because I know you do. And ah whatever. Just keep in touch with your dad. Don't not keep in touch with him because of me but I know you've done that before, stupid things. He didn't spell your name right and you didn't talk to him for two years. That was kind of juvenile. But Ok, whatever."

My father is physically ill. He has been for a very long time. He doesn't call me. He doesn't call his grandson. He hasn't for over a decade. It's a fact of life. It just is. Many years ago, I accepted the fact that my dad is ill. That his life could have been different. It isn't. I don't want him to get a transplant. He doesn't deserve it. He gave up on his life over a decade, almost two ago. A heart is a sacred thing and should be given to someone that wants to live. Someone that deserves to live. As difficult as this is for me to acknowledge, my father is not that person. On a side note, less than four months ago my mother's sister was taken from this world due to cancer. Her husband has now been diagnosed with cancer. Tragic. They loved life and lived life. They deserve life. So many people do not and yet those are the ones that seem to feel entitled and receive the opportunities. Yes he is my father. Yes he was my dad.  I am a taxpayer like you, I can see the big picture. Right or Wrong, I see it. I live it. I have accepted it.

Can I accept to move on? Can I accept that I may not be informed of his health? Can I accept that I may not be informed of his death?

I can only control what I can control and who I am. Sometimes the hardest thing to do...is to walk away. I've walked away before, but love and family and hope bring me back. I don't want to live in the negativity and the darkness and the lies. It is hard to turn your back on family...right now, I stand still and I wonder and I wait. Will fate decide for me?

Saturday Shaving - A First

2010-12-06T23:14:00.000-05:00

T turned 13 in early Spring. Thirteen. In several months, he will be Fourteen. Yes, I know how to count and I know you do too. Bear with me, I'm trying to grasp the magnitude that my son is not just entering the phase of teenage years and leaving pre-adolescence behind. He will officially have survived his first teenage year. Anyway, I'm jumping the gun.

A sore subject for my son, his facial hair. He has had visible facial hair since he was approximately nine years old. So not cool for a nine year old. Unfortunately, T's father is a direct ancestor of a grizzly bear or Cro-Magnon Man. Truth be told, I'm probably not too far removed from my ancestors either.

For T's birthday I asked if he wanted a razor. He asked, "Do I need one?"

Saturday, T and I purchased his first razor. I actually didn't anticipate that he was going to want to use it immediately. I was wrong. So we had to run out to another store to pick up some shaving cream.

T picked out shaving cream and after shave. We headed home for his first shaving adventure. He lathered his upper lip with shaving cream. His hand unsteadily held the razor as he looked in the mirror getting ready to make his first shaving draw. Nervously, he made his first cut and then again and again. I took several pictures and offered advice of sticking his tongue into his upper lip to tighten the skin. And then...he nicked himself. Blood. Blood. More Blood.

Of course, it was my fault. I told him he didn't have to use more shaving cream if his face was still wet. He survived and actually didn't hold a grudge either.

On the drive to dinner, T reminisced on his shaving experience. He asked if he would now have to shave more than before. More than none? Yes, he will. A few hours later, T stated he wanted to shave again.

I wonder how long it will take for the initial excitement to wear off. I know I hate shaving.

Is the love-hate relationship of shaving different for men/boys and women/girls?

Lake Effect & Blowers Revisited

2010-12-06T22:49:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, thinks seem to resurface as if time stands still. When it seems like time flies in the blink of an eye, I confirm why I enjoy blogging...because I can go back and read things I wrote and it is as if it were today. Somethings just don't change.

Living in West Michigan, I am blessed to live near the lake. For those of you that don't know, that's means I have the benefit of "Lake Effect". So in the summer, it is wonderful to be near Lake Michigan and yet in the winter, that means that the bi-polar Lake Effect is in full force and dumps some nasty snow in large quantities to punish those that enjoy the water.

I am the not so proud owner of two identical snow blowers with two completely different functioning issues. I continue to believe that my snow blowers are male, as posted here in 2008. In 2009 I posted about karma and snow and my issues with my snow blowers/throwers. This year I was able to get both up and running before the first snow fall.

Since yesterday, I have cleared the driveway FOUR TIMES. FOUR. TIMES. Granted, I had to switch blowers since the one decided that after one time, it needed to take a hiatus. I still smell like gasoline after I clear the driveway. The blower that decides to work doesn't shoot both directions and is temperamental and occasionally stalls.

I'm considering purchasing a new snow blower in the hopes that it will maintenance and hassle free; however, my step-dad gave me both as gifts and I don't want to offend him by replacing the two I have. I know that I am 36 years old, but sometimes convenience isn't worth the disappointment of a parent or the impending lecture that new isn't always better!

So for Christmas, I'm asking that "Lake Effect" share the love and snow with inland areas that have been less fortunate! Don't tell me I'm not greedy or bah humbug. Tis the season and I'm all about sharing!

Monday Moving Muse

2010-12-06T22:37:00.000-05:00

I haven't blogged about movies on a Monday since April 2008! Lately I haven't had much luck in movies, well lately meaning the greater part of the past two years. Saturday T and I went and saw Unstoppable at the theater and I found myself on the edge of my seat. Of course, I am a huge fan of movies based on actual events. T really enjoyed the movie as well and was googling to find out the actual details of the runaway train 777, with little success.

I am really hoping that my luck in movies has changed. Tonight I picked up Going the Distance, Knight and Day, and Eat, Pray, Love. I wanted to see all three movies at the theater but never got around to it.

If nothing else, maybe I can manage to stay awake and actually watch all three movies from beginning to end without falling asleep or turning it off! Baby steps...

Date Night 2010

2010-12-06T22:31:00.000-05:00

T and I had our annual "Date Night" this past Friday. Here was our date night in 2009. I picked up T from practice and we headed to grab dinner at a nearby restaurant. Dinner was the best we have had at that restaurant, EVER.

We then went to our painting location and met up with my girlfriend and her two kids so T could make my mom her Christmas gift. I was seriously like a kid in a candy shop. I was so excited by the latest trend of finger and thumbprint art and how I wanted to paint everything I saw, although completely hindered by a lack of artistic ability (as previously disclosed here.). I couldn't decide so I went with my free mug and another toothbrush holder for the bathroom. Of course I was running through every shower curtain I own (admitted obsession here) and wondered what theme and colors would work best.

I finally opted to paint thumbprint frogs, because I actually have frogs in my bathroom. Although not so obnoxious that they aren't all that obvious. I painted frogs of colors that would pull out colors in some of my shower curtains. I have to admit that I don't think the project was an epic fail, but definitely not as cute as I wished it would be. I'll find out the real truth, Friday.

T and I finished the night by returning back to the restaurant for dessert. I had the most fabulous peanut butter pie. So delish...the end to a fantastic date night!

Snack Schedule Sarcasm

2010-11-30T19:49:00.000-05:00

Tonight my son's undefeated team, lost. A true nail biter. Down to the last 1.6 seconds of the game and down by one point, they inbounded the ball. Time for one pass and a shot from under the basket. The ball circled around and around the rim, and fell out.

Truly a good game; however, some of the kids were just not playing their normal game. When we got home at about 6:45p.m., my son said he wasn't hungry. He didn't care what I made for dinner but he wanted it, "later".

After an allergy attack from putting blue lights (don't get me started Meijer was out of white lights) on my Christmas tree and my eyes begging to swell shut, I went into the bathroom to take out my contacts before they were permanently sealed in my eyelids. My son was taking a shower and we chatted more about the game.

He informed me that the double cheeseburger before the game probably wasn't a good idea. WHAT? I knew that as parents, we were responsible for bringing a snack as outlined in the handout at the beginning of the season. I assumed snacks were similar to every other sport he's played for the past...ten years...a drink and fruit snacks or fruit or chips or something to be given at the end of the game. WRONG.

T informed me that snacks are eaten prior to the game. According to T he said that snacks are typically a little healthier: pb&j, ham sandwiches or something. Today, they were double cheeseburgers from Burger King! Not only that, they also had fruit snacks, a granola bar AND a drink. All of that before playing 4 - 6 minute periods of 8th grade basketball.

Whose genius idea is that? If I didn't know better, I would have guessed that the snack was provided by the opposing team. Seeing that I am responsible for snacks the last game of the season - maybe I will get deluxe Jet's pizzas and a pudding filled cake and ice cream to be devoured BEFORE the game.

What a grand idea. Grand indeed.

Teen Room Transformation

2010-11-29T23:36:00.000-05:00

T turned 13 in March. He officially became a teenager. His bedroom (although I didn't take a before picture - and can't find one on my camera or computer) has been painted twice in the past 11 years. He continues to have the same bedroom furniture that he has had since he was 3. My mom had purchased the bedroom set: bunk bed, two dressers and a book shelf. They are excellent quality but I thought maybe it was time to upgrade. When T was 3, the bed was on the floor and then years later it moved up to the bunk, where he continued to sleep in his twin size bed.

I offered to repaint. I offered to add sports border. I offered to redo his trunk chest. I offered a new bed. I offered a new bedroom set. No, No, No, Well, No. I had purchased the full size bed for the guest room last year with the intention that it would be T's. A week ago Friday, I had T sleep in the bed to see if he wanted it or we could go bed shopping. T decided he liked the bed and it would be fine. He also decided he wanted the area rug from the living room for his bedroom floor. He wanted to keep the same colors and not have me repaint. Less work for me = Love it!

The weekend before Thanksgiving, I spent reorganizing the rooms. Always an adventure. I managed to take down the bunk bed and had T clear off the floor, bench and the tops of his dressers. The room was clear with the exception of the two dressers that I just moved to lay down the rug and moved into position. I put up the bunk in the spare bedroom. While not completely functional for guests, it can be appropriate for a foster child that may require respite.

Guest Bedroom

The afghan was made by my grandmothers and I figured for now, it can cover the crazy fabric of the couch. I am still planning on organizing the closet and then the plan will be to put the dresser into the closet. That's the idea anyway. Then if other company come, I will put the aero bed underneath the bunk. Seeing that I seldom have overnight guests, I'm not too worried at this point, although I have also considered getting a twin size bed for under the bunk. Decisions...

Other than dropping the mattresses on my leg while wedging in the bed frame and pinching my index finger in the metal bed frame, I managed to move the bedrooms with little issue, well little blood. T and I went through both drawers and I made him try on everything. The following day, I went through and reorganized his closet. It is amazing how much room he really has!

Clean & Organized, For a Minute...

We attempted to find a comforter set, but didn't find one that was quite right. He liked a queen size comforter at Meijer that was very grown up (which I purchased for him (or me) for Christmas) on the Saturday after Black Friday for a great steal! I noticed that he was sitting on the floor with his computer on his dresser. I asked T if he would like a desk, which he said yes. On Black Friday I purchased a desk that he had found online at Staples for a steal! Then I went to the hotel restore and grabbed a desk chair that the clerk discounted $10 as the height lever wasn't working! I picked up a great queen sized down alternative comforter set at Target for $24.99!

I assembled his desk and added his new bedding last weekend for an early Christmas present. For less than $80, his room is officially transferred into a great room for him to enjoy through his teens! And the best thing, when he came home tonight and opened his closed door, he was surprised AND, HE LOVES IT!

Vermont Travels & Karma

2010-11-29T22:50:00.000-05:00

I previously posted about my upcoming Vermont non-Vacation here. Clearly my road trip was nothing like my cross country adventure of 2009 as posted on day 1, day 2, day 3, day 4 or day 5.

Sunday night (during our disc adventure and errands) I stopped by my office and looked for my Lions Thanksgiving Day football squares and checked in for my Monday morning flight and printed off my boarding passes. My flight was at 11:30a.m. out of Southbend, Indiana. I had confirmed with my friend that Southbend was on the same time zone as Chicago, an hour behind Michigan.

Monday morning after taking T to school, I had plenty of time to freeze the chili I had made throughout the night in the crock pot. I finished packing my overnight backpack and picked up the house. I left the house with plenty of time. I stopped just shy of the Indiana border and fueled up the car so that my sister-in-law had a full tank. I also went inside and bought a couple of lottery tickets and two Sobe Life Waters. I realized I was overcharged and I waited in line for the .69 overcharge.

I walked back out to my car, with my $11 plus change crammed in my pockets. I noticed a silver PT Cruiser was still at a nearby pump. I was then approached by a man in his mid-thirties in a hoodie that resembled a guy I grew up with. He apologized for having to ask, but they had "puttered into the station on fumes and were trying to get to Michigan City" and he asked if I had any spare change. I reached in my pocket and left the change and handed him $11.00. He looked at it, dumbfounded and asked if I was serious. "Have a safe trip and holiday." And I thought to myself, Karma. If he was lying, Karma.

I continued on the way to Southbend and chatted on the phone with my mom. I decided I would grab a sub from Subway before arriving at the airport. I was surprised that my phone hadn't auto corrected the time. When I walked in Subway I inquired as to the time. 11:18a.m. OH. MY. WORD.

Apparently, Southbend is in the same time zone. There was no way I could get back the two miles, park the car and make my 11:30a.m. flight. NO. WAY. So I did what I do best, I ordered my foot long sub. I then drove to the airport, parked up front in short-term parking for my sister-in-laws convenience and I walked into the airport. I looked at the monitor and saw the dreaded "On Time" status for my flight, despite the rain. I walked up to the Delta counter and gave my boarding pass and asked to be booked on the next flight to Detroit as I had missed my plane. The agent asked which flight and then made a call. Fortunately for me, the plane was delayed and hadn't even boarded!

I made that flight and was delayed one hour and fifteen minutes. I was to have 1.5 hours of a layover in Detroit, originally. I walked the brisk walk of 31 gates and arrived at my gate with three minutes to spare before boarding. Karma.

On my flight to Burlington Vermont, I scratched off my lottery tickets. I won...$10. Karma. When I was approached by the flight attendant, she said, "You look like the daughter of a friend of mine." Ok. How does one respond to such a statement? She proceeded to say the name of the subdivision I grew up in (although when she said it, I didn't recognize it as my subdivision and clarified the town where I grew up) and she then announced the street I grew up on! She moved into the same subdivision I was raised, in 1978, and continues to reside in the same residence. She was unaware that my parents had divorced in 1992 and inquired of my family. Small world!

I called and reached my brother at the airport and when we found each other, his one arm was limp. He had spent three hours in the ER in the early morning as a sack in his elbow had erupted (and Wednesday the hospital confirmed he had an infection). He was on pain killers and was in severe pain and an isolating cast. My sister-in-law was still 45 minutes away stressing that my oldest nephew may have contracted HIV after finding a spoon and a hypodermic needle in the rental attic of a friend of hers. Oh the drama.

My niece had a rough night and I was kept awake by my brother trying to soothe her in the adjacent room singing This Old Man while my two nephews slept on the hide-a-bed in my room. My brother took my sister-in-law and niece to the airport at 4:30a.m. Tuesday morning and came back and slept. I was ready to go at 5:00a.m. but decided he needed to sleep. Finally at 6:30a.m., my brother and the boys woke and we packed up the vehicles and had breakfast. We were on the road at 7:30a.m. Other than trying to get through customs driving my brother's vehicle stock full of their personal belongings, the drive was uneventful. Getting into Michigan from Canada was a little more challenging as I was suppose to have an "itemized list". Fortunately, I was let through without having to have the vehicle searched. We arrived at my mom's, west of Detroit just before 9:00p.m. Two vehicles. Two children. Two adults. Safe and Sound.

So much better and less adventurous than my cross country adventure. There is definitely something to be said with traveling with your own family than someone else's family. And having karma on your side never hurts either!

Disc Disarray

2010-11-29T21:48:00.000-05:00

A week ago Sunday, after a lazy day around the house, I decided T and I needed to run some errands. We needed to go to Blockbuster, Kohl's and my work. All said and done, errands that should have taken less than an hour. Should. Have.

Our first stop was Blockbuster. T opted to hangout in the parking lot and throw around his new flying disc, with distances up to a quarter of a mile. I had called my brother after leaving the house to talk about my pending trip out to Vermont and get the latest on my dad. I went into Blockbuster and swapped out movies. When I came out, still on the phone, T was forlorn. T had managed to lodge his disc in the one of two trees in the middle of the parking lot, over 20 feet in tree! Understanding the predicament, I got off the phone and decided that using a baseball in the car might knock the disc down.

After about 15 minutes, we managed to get the baseball stuck in the tree. For those of you that don't know me all that well, I have a slight fear of heights. So why in the world I thought it would be a great idea to climb the tree was unbeknownst to me! In minutes, I was in the tree, climbing and retrieved the ball. I spent many years of my childhood in trees, but several falls from ladders have made me height-skiddish. I embraced the tree and proceeded to shake it, to no avail. The disc didn't budge. I even tried to throw the ball at the disc while in the tree. Of course, not my smarter ideas. After sometime, I decided I should climb down from the tree, without the disc. This is where fear set in. Fear.

As I stood in the tree, about 6.5" in the air, I froze. Fear. I couldn't do it. I tried to psyche myself. I tried to calm myself. I tried to trick myself. I was even tempted to have T drive the car under the tree so I could jump on my new hood. Then, I realized I was a grown woman. 36 years old. I could do this. I maneuvered on to my stomach and stretched downward and jumped the remaining feet to the ground. Then, I began to shake. I realize I am no longer 6 or even 12. I shouldn't be climbing trees. Especially given that I am more than accident prone. Why was my 13 year old son not in the tree?

After another while, we again managed to get the ball stuck. All the while, we hit the disc and managed to lodge it a little more than initially. T climbed the tree, while I tried to give him instructions. He advised that I should have taught him Tree Climbing 101 in 2nd grade, not 8th grade! We were right back to where we started. Disc in the tree. We started tossing broken pieces of the parking lot and finally after discouraging onlookers from joining in our adventure, we gave up. An HOUR later.

An hour of our time, was definitely worth more than the $10 disc. Fortunately, after both of us climbing the tree, neither of us fell. T suggested we get an extension pole from Menards and retrieve the disc. After finishing our errands, we went to Menards.

The first sales associate directed us to the gardening section. Other than tree edgers, there was not an extension pole. I located a second sales associate and inquired about an "extension pole" to retrieve something in the tree about 20' high. He had no idea what we needed and called over a third sales associate. When I inquired about the "extension pole" he said they had them in the painting section at which time the second associate said, "Oh you meant an extension pole!". Ummm...Yeah. Needless to say, T mocked the associate the entire jaunt across the store to the poles.

Almost $40 later and a 24' extension pole extending the length of my Neon, we headed back to Blockbuster. Fortunately the disc was still lodged in the tree. We extended the pole as much as possible and found it to be rather unstable; however, we were able to retrieve the disc! Then a quick return back to Menard's to return our pole, less than 30 minutes later!

So our one hour of errands...turned into an adventure of 3.5 hours! Is anything simple?

Carpet Picture Post

2010-11-29T21:30:00.000-05:00

I've been rummaging around trying to find "before" pictures and if I continue to look any longer, I'll never post! I can't seem to find any with the dining room rug.

Here are pictures of the new rugs that I purchased for my birthday:

Living Room Rug: Before

Curtains to Carpet...Not yet...

2010-11-19T00:15:00.000-05:00

Anyone who knows me, knows I LOVE shower curtains. Since adding the additional 3/4 bathroom, I've become slightly less obsessed with having to change the look of my one bathroom.

I did decide though, that for my birthday, I wanted to buy a new bathroom ensemble. Not just a discounted or clearanced curtain. I wanted to find a shower curtain that I LOVE and buy new rugs and everything.

Of course, I couldn't find a single shower curtain that I wanted to spend my money on. I did find a cute clearanced Halloween shower curtain for $3.50 that I purchased. I even, for the first time EVER, started looking for shower curtains online. On two different sites, I added a curtain into my cart to find that it wasn't in stock!

I was striking out miserably. Then, I recalled a large room rug that I found over the summer that I liked and considered buying it instead. I went to the store to see if they still had it. They did! I purchased a large area rug for my living room and a smaller rug to replace the rug under my kitchen table.

I love them both! They were a fabulous deal and they both fit into my car too! I was so excited by my birthday purchases, I was on cloud nine when I went into Jimmy John's to order my favorite sandwich and a pickle. When I moved toward the end of the counter, sitting at a booth was a friend of mine I hadn't seen in a while! He had texted me, "What are you ordering" when I hung up the phone but I never heard the text and saw him first!

What a great day and I absolutely LOVE the new look of the rugs. Maybe even more than a change of a shower curtain. Although, I have no intention of changing the rugs again anytime soon! I did however change out my shower curtain too as I was craving red. Win. Win.

Cookie Irony

2010-11-19T00:04:00.000-05:00

I've been terribly busy at work. I have been working every late night possible and a few extras as well. I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel, the reprieve around the holidays, almost. Last week, a day that our office was closed, I found myself working to accommodate a family. A family that has been nothing but difficult.

The moment after I knocked on the door, it was sprung open and loudly I was greeted with the fact that the woman had "over booked" and had to race out soon with two of the youth. She hovered while I tried to do my job and meet (interview) the youth individually. General conversations. She sat for about ten minutes with me and her husband before she had to bolt. I finished up the visit with the husband and left. I tried to address several of the serious concerns we (workers & myself) have with the family. I felt that I was appropriate and non-confrontational. Apparently, I wasn't.

Today I managed to do everything I could possible and procrastinated writing the report from my visit. I would write it after my lunch with MS. Lunch was pleasant and always good to see MS. He followed me after lunch as I showed him how to get to the local home improvement store and I made a mad dash into Subway to get three cookies. I was craving cookies - sugar/chocolate - something awful! I ate two on the drive back to my office.

In sorting through my notes and information to prepare my report, I noticed I had made a mistake. It had only been 10 months since I had been to the home, not a year as the first visit was "late". Therefore, I didn't realize that a video I can count for training, I had counted for the previous review. I called to inform the family that they needed six hours of training, not the four that I had thought and why. The woman went off on me about how she was sick and didn't want to discuss things now, but went on to say that she has issues with how I address things in the family. Apparently, "all hell broke loose" after I left the home. And apparently, by engaging their adult son in conversation (while the mom hovered around the corner outside the room eavesdropping) about his plans to join the military - that meant that I said he was not welcome in the home. That by restating to the family a rule of reporting within one business day any change in household composition, that enforced that her son was not welcome in the home (despite being informed in August that he would be joining the military in January/February and I was discussing the process). She went on beyond that (which I won't go into details)...to summarize that I don't do my job well and she had previously asked someone for a meeting that never happened. Really? Why not ask ME for a meeting? Have I mentioned how much I am bothered by incompetence and dishonesty/liars?

I was beyond irritated. I decided I needed to leave the office and cool down. Writing an emotional report is never a good thing, especially when Supervision (even when I ask for criticism and appropriateness) only looks for a random word typo in a report. I took the rest of the day off. MS was still in town and we were able to hangout until time to head to my son's basketball game. I wasn't in the best of moods, but it was nice to have company, even if I wasn't very talkative. While driving to meet up with MS, I finished my third cookie (I am getting to the point!).

Tonight, I logged into my work email account. I had an email from the clerical support that opens the mail that I had received a package. A package of cookies from Mrs. Fields! I have absolutely NO idea who they are from or why. If I had to guess, I have two people in mind that may have sent them (although we are not allowed to receive vendor gifts), but I could be completely wrong. I doubt that it is a late birthday gift sent to my work.

Again, just another example of how things completely happen for a reason. I was craving cookies - I bought some out of the blue. I left work after a bad experience with a family and had I stayed, then I would have been there to receive my cookies (I was actually still in the office when they arrived too!). Good thing I didn't get them at the time...I'm sure I would have eaten every last crumb! But what a fabulous surprise when I least expect it and definitely could use it!

Educating - Don't Take MY Money....

2010-11-16T00:36:00.000-05:00

My son doesn't like to spend his money. He also doesn't do well with gift cards or prepaid visa cards. He doesn't want either for Christmas; however, he would like to be present for clothes shopping. How does one do that with having it be a surprise and not be a gift card?

Clearly, my son and I have to do better at actually using his gift cards, especially ones like the visa that evaporate when you aren't using them! So last night, we made a point to use his remaining WalMart gift card from Christmas 2009 and an MC Sports card from March 2010.

If you ever wondered how to teach a child to count, turn it into terms of money. When very little, my son would separate change by size (quarter, nickle, penny, dime). Then he would count how many of each. Then he learned the value of money. IF he counted the value correctly (every month or so) he would keep the change (upwards to $30 accumulated in my car and purse as I didn't spend change when he was young so it would go into his bank!). He continues to excel in math to this day. Story problems you ask? Change them to money, no problem.

Well of course that was what I thought until tonight. Last night T bought a basketball on sale, a lighted disc and a disc that can throw up to 1/4 mile. His total: $42.37. His gift card was for $20. While standing in line, before our purchases were tallied, he said he would owe me $20. He heard the total. I gave him the receipt.

Tonight he handed me $20. I was on the phone. I laughed with my friend about how T shorted me $2.37. T commented, "Seriously Mom, $2.37?"

My response, "No problem. I was going to give you $5.00 for helping me rake the leaves tonight. But Seriously, why would you want $2.63?" Of course he wanted $5.00!

Quickly he said that he would pay me the difference, rationalizing that he hadn't taken into account the tax for his purchases. He quickly calculated that in his head, amounting to $2.40, which was exactly the amount of the tax charged, but he had rounded up the three .99 amounts to the even $1.00, which was the difference of .03. He counted out the change to give me the $2.37, at which point I handed him $3.00 and told him to keep it.

Isn't it amazing how much money matters more when it is YOUR money and not someone else's?

Timing & Timeframes

2010-11-16T00:12:00.000-05:00

Right now is one of the busiest times of year for me. I have a lot of yearly evaluations to complete in a timely manner while dealing with the holidays and others schedules. Additionally, my ability to work nights is restricted due to hunting season for the next week and then Thanksgiving week.

At the beginning of November, I was finding that to complete Orientations in the evening with new families, for the first time EVER, I would be scheduling out to December. CRAZY. Doesn't bode well for the over achiever A personality, but I can't make schedules and times that don't exist! Fortunately, I have been able to juggle most everything somehow or another. I've managed to throw in the blanket on the tie blankets after making almost 20! I have been doing so many renewals that I have three reports yet to complete - which I hope to have done by the end of the week at the very latest, although I don't actually have deadlines other than my own self-inflicted ones!

In working with a family, they have one year to complete the licensing process. ONE. YEAR. Or...TWELVE. MONTHS. As a reminder, I had all my information completed in less than two, if that. One family I began working with last October, was having difficulty with the paperwork and doing some home improvements in their newly acquired home. They would email me initially every 1.5 months to say they were still interested in the process. Then I didn't hear from them for four months. Then in June, I receive an email that they are still very interested and what do they need to do. I email the wife back and tell her. No response.

That is, until TONIGHT. Almost five months later. She and her husband are still working on the paperwork and they need more prepaid return envelopes. Unfortunately for them, or for me, or for Uncle Sam or who knows who, their year, ended in October. Their enrollment is closed.

Technically I should complete another Orientation. Personally, I don't know why, since I can't imagine they will ever complete the entire process before I retire! I just can't imagine. I understand that life happens; however, in this line of work, timeliness and communication are a necessity! I can't imagine how long a return phone call would take if I called them for a placement...

Shopping @ Meijer & Crude...

2010-11-15T23:59:00.000-05:00

Tonight, amidst the craziness of life, I found myself smack dab in the middle of Meijer. I had just finished a late home call and was running to the store to grab three things: milk, bread and applesauce.

Well we all know how that three things list works. In the midst of stock piling my cart trying to be mommy of the week without a reprieve of visitation due to deer hunting season, I ran into a friend of mine. We started chatting. My twenty minute jaunt from home call to home was turning into significantly longer.

The best part of the shopping experience, wasn't the grand check out total of $90 (you thought your part of the country was hit hard with inflation!) or saving of $25. Nope, hard to imagine I know, but...

While in the self-scan no limit checkout, I was hurriedly trying to scan and not get the voice bellowing about placing the item on the conveyor or backed up or not scanned items and hurrying to get out of there for the drive home, my personal space became encroached. I briefly looked up to see two heavier set cub scouts in blue uniforms with ties amidst trying to figure out the key in code for weighed green bell peppers, not unit price to no avail.

One of the boys said, "I like your hair." I replied "Thank you".

He then said, "What color is it?"

If I had an extra moment, I might have smacked the young lad; however, I replied, "What color do YOU think it is?"

At that point, his parents blabbered niceties and rudeness comments to the boys and shuffled them to another self-checkout line.

Wow...and I thought only free entertainment came at WalMart.

Happy Monday!

Acceptance & Spinning Stops NOW

2010-11-05T20:25:00.000-04:00

Last night if it hadn't been almost 2a.m., I might have actually posted about the remainder of my weekend. Sunday forward, but I didn't. Instead, I laid in bed consumed by how I couldn't get warm and I couldn't get my mind to stop racing.

Today, I'm in a very different position and again, I still can't blog, not yet.

What I can say, is that there are two things I'm not a fan:

* The fable: The Boy Who Cried Wolf

* Spinning (Amusement/Roller Coaster) Rides

This spinning roller coaster has to end. While I'm all about thrill seeking behavior, and Dramamine has proved my friend in combating motion sickness in the past, this ride, Dramamine will not assist. It is time that the fable is no longer effective. Reality has set.

It is time for me to exit the ride to my left. This is one spinning roller coaster that I am no longer going to ride.

Raker's Remorse...Rule to Read

2010-11-05T20:17:00.000-04:00

My lawn has been overcome by leaves. Being out of town for several days didn't fare well for the accumulation of my small yard. I had anticipated either mowing or raking on Sunday and that didn't happen. Life happened. I also anticipated cutting the gas pipes to fit them in the garbage can. That didn't happen either. Life happened (and in such probably avoided some other pivotal handyman injury in the process!)

I have a little advice on raking. Clearly, without daylight savings time in effect, it gets much darker, much earlier, especially in Michigan.

Seeing that it wasn't until 6:30p.m. until I was able to start raking, I quickly found myself navigating my yard in the dark. I figured I would finish the back and side yard and save the front yard for Saturday. Of course once I got started, there really wasn't much stopping me; however, while raking in the dark may prove challenging, it is nothing compared to:

Raking in the dark with the rake upside down and the tines facing up!

TGIF, TGIF =) Have a great weekend!

Meijer Muse

2010-11-05T01:40:00.001-04:00

I love Meijer. I have a Meijer credit card. I use it for almost everything (unless I have a department store card elsewhere). I noticed yesterday that they raised my limit 3+ times higher than my requested lowered limit. Sigh...

I love saving .05 on every gallon of gas at Meijer gas stations.

I love special sale days for Meijer card holders: 15% off G. Merchandise, 5% off Grocery. November 8, 2010 will be the next sale day!

Increased love for Meijer occurred tonight. I learned that all pre-cut deli meat is 50% off an hour before deli closing! Clearly they don't advertise this, or I would have known! While I don't frequent the deli counter often and have no idea what the deli hours are, tonight we scored some serious sandwich fixings: salami, honey baked ham, mesquite bbq chicken and honey roasted turkey! Looking forward to some great sandwiches this weekend with cheese, lettuce and tomato...

Oh how I love my Meijer!

Family Fun: No Vermont Vacation

2010-11-05T01:32:00.000-04:00

So in the midst of the weekend recaps, I forgot to mention what was to be my next impromptu "vacation". Ok, so not a vacation by any means, but a trip out of town and out of the state of Michigan.

My brother and his family (wife and three children) will be moving with my brother's job across the country. At his request, I can't discuss his "witness protection" lifestyle - at least that is what he told the Walgreen's guy the other day! My mom had offered to fly out to help my brother and his family travel from Vermont back to Michigan for the Thanksgiving holiday before being in his new state, halfway across the US. My mom had suggested that my sister-in-law and less than a month old niece fly home rather than drive the 13 hours back to Michigan.

I thought it was a brilliant idea that my mom offered to assist my brother and his family. I also recognized that the flight alone would be physically and mentally demanding on my mom let alone the drive back to Michigan. I have time that I can take off from work and after having T for 12 days or so in a row for hunting season, I decided maybe I should offer. I could take three days off of work and help them get back home. The idea came quickly and out of the blue. It seemed brilliant.

I called my brother and we caught up on everything going on with the family. I offered that I could fly out and drive back. My brother liked the idea better with me assisting than my mom (and fortunately my mom thought it was a great idea too when I suggested it, after the fact!). Apparently the flights back to Michigan were too much, so they thought my sister-in-law and the baby would just ride back. This all came to fruition on Thursday night 10/28. My brother said he would talk to his wife and let me know by noon Friday. After we got off the phone, I called my mom.

I could get a flight out to my brother's one-way for $200. My sister-in-law and the baby could fly into where I was flying out of for about $244 and take my car and go to her parents or my parents. She would be in a car, en route to her destination, three hours after departing the airport! I called my brother and left a message to tell him about the flight information.

On Friday, my sister-in-law called to say that they were taking me up on my offer; however, she would be "riding". They hadn't listened to my message and were unaware that she and the baby could fly back so reasonably. So in less than 24 hours, I had suggested assisting my brother and his family on the first leg of their cross country move and had purchased my ticket, done deal.

I'm looking forward to meeting my niece and seeing my nephews. I'll even be able to see Vermont, very briefly before our drive home through Canada. I surely hope that I don't forget my passport or it could be a very long journey indeed.

Weekend Recap Part II: Water Line & Lack of Linebacker

2010-11-05T01:19:00.000-04:00

If you haven't read Part I yet, here is the recap. Long story short, my basement looks super fabulous and much less congested with non-functional potentially leaking gas lines!

Of course, I couldn't find myself doing nothing while Freddie worked diligently on beautifying my basement. I did attempt to stay out of his way by being upstairs, but he called me for assistance and then I decided I should be close by to help. We enjoyed several hours of conversation including his becoming a snobby foodie and his favorite dishes to cook as well as traveling. I worked on freeing up a couple of old galvanized water line pipes that were put through a cement wall and of course Freddie helped me! He commented on how I'm a "doer" and wondered if I got those skills from my father. He didn't forsee that there was anything that I wouldn't accomplish if I set my mind to it. I did tell him that I had my limits, which included not removing gas lines, but removing the asbestos duct work for the furnace years ago - that I was OK with!

After the water lines were removed, I noticed a copper flexible line was dripping water. The line went from my utility storage room through the laundry room and to the furnace. The line was not connected. I decided it would be great to remove it, although the line was secured by copper pieces nailed into the wood boards. I managed to free the line into the laundry area. Sitting on the top of the freezer, with a ladder in front of me, I took the hammer overhead to pry off one of the connectors (I'm sure there is a real word for those metal dohickie pieces!). Unfortunately, I lost my grip on the hammer and it came flying at me.

Right to my face. The claw end of the hammer punctured under my left eye, missing my eye by an inch! Then the hammer bounced to my lip and then onto the floor (although I have a nice bruise on my knee that I'm thinking it may have hit my knee in transit to the ground too!). Immediately my eye began to swell as tears surfaced. Immediate PAIN. I headed upstairs to see the damage. Quickly, both under the eye and the lip began to swell. My gum was bleeding but fortunately my tooth wasn't loose.

Being a boxer or a Domestic Violence victim was not part of the Halloween weekend! I immediately texted AG to tell him that due to my hammer mishap I would be canceling our plans to the Winery. He suggested I wear sunglasses and we go to the movies, which I declined as well. Although I would have been right in par for my holiday injuries with AG that I incurred biking with him on Memorial Weekend as posted here.

Freddie noticed immediately the bruising that was occurring on my face. He had heard something fall but hadn't heard a peep out of me, so hadn't realized I had managed to injure myself. I told him, "Unless I am dying, I won't say much!" He suggested a regime of icing, heat and then pressure to the pooling blood with frozen metal to alleviate the bruising and said I would be good to go by the evening. Unfortunately, I didn't feel so "good to go" and I stayed home, lights off and watching movies.

I did however, manage to remove the copper water line and the basement looks super! Freddie even suggested that I can now put in a drop ceiling. I'll pass on that, for now.

I have to imagine that if ever I were to have a mugshot...it would look like this:

Of course this was shortly after the injury. The good coloring and swelling came later. I only hope that next time, I win!

Weekend Recap Part I: Gas Lines Removed

2010-11-05T00:56:00.000-04:00

I'm trying to recap...because sometimes, it's just easier than living in the now. Although right now, I can't complain. So here's the recap from Thursday - Saturday mid-day...

MS (he really needs a different name) had suggested that I "pack a bag" and spend the weekend with him last weekend. I wasn't sure if he was serious. Apparently he was, but that wasn't how the weekend quite unfolded. I scooted out of work a little early on Friday - after making another six tie blankets for foster kids - changing it up and making infant and toddler blankets too! I headed home and grabbed an overnight bag. MS had informed me a few nights earlier that his family "birthday celebrations" were going to be Saturday night at his mom's and I could hang out with him and his son until the birthday dinner. Not attend the birthday dinner.

Oh wait...random is my middle name. Time to back track even further. If you recall, the gas had been shutoff and on Thursday 10/30 the Semco Gas man was coming to relight my pilots. While I may have tried to light them myself (or blow my house up), I couldn't because the gas was actually OFF. So I finally met up with the gas man (I was running late and the 800# couldn't contact the dispatch and of course I missed him, but he left a message and anyway...) who was very polite. Since he was in the house, I inquired of the gas smell I have smelled for well, over a decade that I have owned my house. I realize I have a sensitive schnoz, and we haven't blown up yet. Even the gas man couldn't smell anything; however, he got his handy dandy tool from his truck which identified a minute leak from an old capped off gas line. He also wondered who did my furnace and why they connected the gas lines the way they did. Hmmm...

Long story short, he informed me twice of how my "husband or boyfriend" or "friend" could remove the old lines and fix the lines to the furnace to reduce the potential for gas leaks to three. Instead of the likely thirteen or something I had! He then offered to do it on the side for $50 and a couple hours. I took him up on that offer since "friends" and "projects" have failed miserably for me in the past. He said that Saturday would work for him and seeing that my weekend plans were crumbling with MS, it seemed like a great opportunity! AG and I had talked about doing something on Saturday if I didn't trek across state to touch base with TS who has been having some difficult times. Nothing at the time included a costume or Halloween adventure, at the time.

Friday night MS and I headed to Pasta Night at the Cascade Winery and had a great time sampling the wines. The pasta was a checklist that you could chose your own veggies, meat, pasta and sauce. It was accompanied by a glass of wine or beer, garlic bread and a mini brownie made with the dessert wine! All for $10 a person! Fabulous and if you are ever in the area of Grand Rapids, check it out! Saturday afternoon they had a wine tasting, chocolate and cheese event that AG and I had planned to attend. Planned.

Saturday morning I waited for Freddie to arrive at my house. 22 minutes late and no word, I was again wondering what it is with handymen not finding it handy to be on time or own a watch. He called shortly thereafter saying his pipe wrenches were missing and he would be on his way shortly. He arrived over an hour later. Very nice guy and he did a great job cleaning up all the old pipes in my basement. I would say that there had to be about 60' of old pipes removed. There is no more gas smell! After four hours, the job was complete and he maintained the same price. I paid him more, he deserved every dollar of it!

Old Gas Lines Removed (& a copper water line)

Stay tuned for what I managed to do while Freddie worked on the gas lines and I had to be "handy" or onsite for an extra hand if needed. Never a dull moment. Dull...now that would have been favorable!

Nothings & Neon

2010-11-05T00:27:00.000-04:00

Where to begin? It seems like a lifetime ago since I posted last, and it was less than a week ago, well exactly a week ago. How quickly things change. How quickly perspectives change. I maintain that life happens for a reason and I am so particularly blessed.

While I was raised Catholic and I believe in God, I wouldn't say that I am a "believer" per se. Or maybe I should say that I am a "believer" but not a "preacher". I pray. I give thanks. I ask for guidance and assistance and help with the path that is chosen for me. I am afterall, a realist.

There is much that I want to post. So many words and emotions that are circling through my mind. So many thoughts. So many reservations. And in all of that, so many tears. Tears, that as they fill my eyes, I'm not ready for them to flow, again. Not yet. Not now.

So on a lighter note...I was so very excited to get my car back! It is amazing how much I truly missed it and have grown to love the stability and comfort of my little Nascar Neon...now new and improved. And oh so pretty =)

10/30/2010: 9 years & counting

Sunshine & Smiles & Summary....

2010-10-28T07:48:00.000-04:00

I am sitting in my house, somewhat cold and avoiding a likely cold shower. I turned off the furnace yesterday as I was too lazy to reset the settings. It was just easier. Fortunately though, the gas was shutoff by the gas company for the work in the neighborhood, so wouldn't have mattered anyway. The house is 63 degrees, so nothing too terrible, not as bad as the cold shower. The pilots will be relit by the gas company later today.

The City Assessor came by and visited for a matter of 3.5 minutes, literally. He looked at the 3/4 bath for about two minutes and then looked at the egress window and recreation room. He said, "This is considered recreational space due to the ceiling. It is not living space." And then, he left. So, my taxes shouldn't be too affected.

My car is officially done, a day early! I have been driving a Toyota Yaris and for purposes of brevity (I know, really? ME?), I will never buy one! I'm looking forward to picking up MY car today! On a side note, JN confirmed that this paycheck has our longevity pay - so extra bonus for replacing my hood, no additional out of pocket expense!

I went to the ENT (Ear/Nose/Throat) doctor the other day. Long story short - I felt dumb and was told I have "crusties". So I don't have some crazy malady but I was given a saline wash and a steroid to use. I did fill the prescriptions and they sit on my counter. I'm having a hard time accepting that I will have to stick something other than my finger up my nose. I realize they aren't doing me any good in their boxes on the counter, but this is going to take me time to take this leap! Until then, the side affects of the deviated septum: crusties, pain/irritation, sore throat (due to mouth breathing at night) and irritated ears will prevail.

While at the ENT, he inquired about my thyroid. He was the specialist I saw years ago to follow up with my nodule/goiter. I hadn't been called back for a recheck since 8/2008. So in about an hour, I will have a follow up ultrasound to see that everything is maintaining.

I took yesterday off as surprisingly, I have been working a lot of late hours. I have even made seven tie blankets for foster kids and plan on making one daily until I just can't tie anymore (a project at work that all the fleece was purchased - they just need people to make them! So I have been literally "tying one on!)! I spent the day with MS. We had a great time and I really enjoy his company! I left him to meet JN for drinks and appetizers. I haven't seen her in a while and while I wasn't looking forward to leaving MS, I had a great time catching up with JN. She asked if MS and I were "Just hanging out or dating." I'm declining any other options to hang out with anyone else because I only want to date MS, but that didn't really answer the question.

Then there at dinner, MS texted me, "Miss me yet? Lol, just wanted to make you smile :)" I accidentally hit reply without sending anything. So I sent the following, "Oops sorry about no comment. I was rendered speechless =) I do miss you!"

And his response, that in this morning makes me shudder with happiness instead of shivering with chills in the coolness of my house...

"Miss you too, can't stop thinking about you. I am falling for you BIG TIME, prob already fallen just don't want to admit is yet :) "

Sigh...Can't wait to see him again...and what a fantastic feeling!

How to Embrace Ghettoesque....

2010-10-22T07:50:00.000-04:00

This morning as T was getting ready for school, I reminded him that I would be chauffeuring him to school. Due to the car accident yesterday and the inability to open the passenger front door, he will have to sit in the back seat.

T grumbled. He is so embarrassed that he has to sit in the backseat. I told him it will only last the weekend and he almost begged that we have absolutely nowhere to go this weekend. I told him we might have the movies, shopping and a haunted house. He sighed heavily.

This was the continued conversation that ensued after pulling down the driveway:

Me: "Think of it this way: How cool is it that you get chauffeured around?"

T: "I feel like such a little kid! Drrr...."

Me: "Just think of it as a Nascar Neon Limo!"

T: "Right Mom (eyes rolling). This Neon is so not big enough to be a Limo!"

Me: "Think about how cool you are that you no longer want to be seen sitting in the front seat next your Mom! Now if only we can find the remote to the radio, you can change the channel from the backseat!"

T: "So Mom? Where is the off button to silence you?"

Me: "Adolescence My son. It was when you turned 13. You no longer hear me. What?"

T: (laughing) "What? Yeah, that's a good one mom. Yeah, THAT'S FUNNY!"

Happy Friday!